Extramarital Affair: Truly in love with each other

[lamhai]

I always believe in "you will get what you give" before I got married. The believes, somehow, proven wrong after my 15 years marriage.
My wife is a career driven woman, because of the working field stress, she will got emotion explosion for 3 or 4 times per month.
I did my part in houseworks, I cook, I wash, I spend time with kids, I fold washed dress. I thought all these shall someday let her feel I am behind her supporting what she is pursuing.
What hurt me most is when she is hit, she yelled at kids for small little things, totally not in proportion with the level of mistake-doing. When things like this happen I just watch, I just worried what would this sort of upbringing will affect their personality when they becomes adult. When I try to step in, she will shout "don't interfere when I am teaching my kid!".
I have my small hobby to love, but it was not accepted. She will move my golf bags to center of family hall and tell me to keep them at some other place because it "occupied to much space".

I realise then, when you do kind loving things to people for long, then people will take this as their right to receive, and the giver is at wrong, always, for whatever small issue in the relationship.

Argue back? I tried, then I realise it is the emotion-exploded personality that I am dealing with and there is no reason and no logic to apply when one is in his/her mood of such.

Extramarital affairs? I had 3 when I was younger, all stopped because I realise I actually have no intention to start any relationship, rather I was bored with the marriage and was inherently wanted a break, an illusive shortbreak. But never had I got the heart to hurt my wife and indirectly, the family.

For that I believe, today, if you are a good, 1st class, no-expecting-return type, perfection lover, then you life is destinied to be suffering. Whether it is sweet or sorrow, it is all up to individual to interprete.

[Ken79]

Dont worry TS, an affair adds spice and excitement to your life or you can look for whores; nothing bad - as normal as picking up milk in the store.

[wells]

Before it gets exploded, you should find one day reflecting on the outcome should this affairs got exposed. The consequences will break out 2 families and causing more distress and mental torture to everybody who involved in this saga.

I do not have affairs but I always fuck with hit and run. I still take care of wife, children and my house. In this game there is a limitation, don’t cross the line.

You cannot have the best of 2 worlds, salvage the marriage and don’t forget your vows.

[mustachio]

Originally Posted by lamhai

I always believe in "you will get what you give" before I got married. The believes, somehow, proven wrong after my 15 years marriage.
My wife is a career driven woman, because of the working field stress, she will got emotion explosion for 3 or 4 times per month.
I did my part in houseworks, I cook, I wash, I spend time with kids, I fold washed dress. I thought all these shall someday let her feel I am behind her supporting what she is pursuing.
What hurt me most is when she is hit, she yelled at kids for small little things, totally not in proportion with the level of mistake-doing. When things like this happen I just watch, I just worried what would this sort of upbringing will affect their personality when they becomes adult. When I try to step in, she will shout "don't interfere when I am teaching my kid!".
I have my small hobby to love, but it was not accepted. She will move my golf bags to center of family hall and tell me to keep them at some other place because it "occupied to much space".

I realise then, when you do kind loving things to people for long, then people will take this as their right to receive, and the giver is at wrong, always, for whatever small issue in the relationship.

Argue back? I tried, then I realise it is the emotion-exploded personality that I am dealing with and there is no reason and no logic to apply when one is in his/her mood of such.

Extramarital affairs? I had 3 when I was younger, all stopped because I realise I actually have no intention to start any relationship, rather I was bored with the marriage and was inherently wanted a break, an illusive shortbreak. But never had I got the heart to hurt my wife and indirectly, the family.

For that I believe, today, if you are a good, 1st class, no-expecting-return type, perfection lover, then you life is destinied to be suffering. Whether it is sweet or sorrow, it is all up to individual to interprete.

I had the same belief "you will get what you give" in life. In some instances i am right but mostly wrong in my marriage. My wife had been treated so well by me that she had become terribly lazy, foul tempered, disrespecful to my parents, take me for granted, shout at the kids over small matters and mentally deranged.
In the past few years she had romantic and sexually explicit exchanges with people in the chatrooms. When confronted she cooked up all kinds of stories and excuses. The last straw was when she went overseas to meet the man and stayed with him for 3 weeks. She gave the excuse of wanting to start a business. Business my foot! My PI reported her sitting on his lap kissing, hugging and laughing for 20 minutes. She even denied she had no feelings for this man.
The shouting of the kids will affect their upbringing as my girl uses the same words the mother uses. And the mother had the cheek to reprimand my girl for using those same words she uses.
Sometimes it is too late to realise that your love will lead to the undoing of the relationship. Now i am letting go and have stop doing things i have done for her for so long. I agree that she takes it as her marital right to receive and i am always in the wrong for any issue in the relationship. And it is also her right to withhold giving.
Argue back? No point anymore. At the end she always say "Yes. I am in the wrong, i am bad so what you want now?" There is no reason or logic to apply when dealing with this type of woman.
Extramarital affairs? I had one but usually prefer to pay as i don't want any KC attachments. Sometimes going to GL is also to remind myself that i am still a man, i still am able to function and preserve my sanity.
I feel it is alright to start a relationship once your marriage is officially over. So long as you have the best interests of the children at heart. Just open your eyes and DO NOT get married again. There is this saying going around "人生有多少个十年“. You and i and many others here DESERVE and must find OUR happiness.
Remember the saying "男人不坏，女人不爱“. Many of us are in our kind of situation. Good, 1st class, expecting a fair return type, want to love wholeheartedly and end up suffering. Is there fairness? I have given up on my wife.

[basic]

Just get divorce lo. So simple.

[lamhai]

Originally Posted by basic

Just get divorce lo. So simple.

dude, divorce can solve the adult problem, I think that is very obvious. How would the separated familyhood affect the kids? When a solution for a problem created another 2 problems, then it is not a solution.

Above all, I LOVE my kids, I really do. I can think of them anytime anywhere and that moment I will smile from my heart and got myself cheered.

[goodpartner]

Originally Posted by mustachio

Just open your eyes and DO NOT get married again. There is this saying going around "人生有多少个十年“. You and i and many others here DESERVE and must find OUR happiness.

Originally Posted by lamhai

When a solution for a problem created another 2 problems, then it is not a solution.

Well said. There is NO solution to TS's problem unfortunately.

Most people simply chose the wrong partner to get married and/or marry for the wrong reason. Period.

What's done cannot be undone. Just have to deal with the mistake now; e.g. bite the bullet and press on with the marriage "for the sake of the kids", and go GL to release, go for extra-marrital r/s.

When you find the RIGHT partner to get married, you will actually grow together, not apart. So much of this goes back making wise decisions during the dating process. People should have a much higher standard for a future spouse than they have for their friends. If you don't want to be a prisoner of a wife, then don't date strong-willed women.

TS is now thinking that he has finally found the Miss RIGHT.

But in SBF world, we're promoting the idea that its better just to get with a broad and let her dump you when she feels she needs a commitment. Then move on to a better broad.
Ok not SBF, I say one

[OceanMaster]

Bro Ts the cycle will start again and you will feel that the gap is widening between you and your female colleague just as what you feel now with your wife!

I suggest you work things out with your wife so as not to jeopardize the well being of you two kids!

I am very certain if you make the first step to work things out with your wife, everything will be just fine.

In fact it is not that difficute to accomplish!

One question for you, did you and your wife not have the most lovely, the best chemistry and the most understanding times?l?l?

I'm very certain both you and your wife have had the most loveliest time together where you can't live without her or vice versa!

[korg2020]

Dear all,
Thanks for all your valuable feedback. I guess it is a choice I made to marry and as fellow samster said, got to bite the bullet and carry on, especially for the kids, because I know they are the innocent parties who will eventually be hurt.
I did not elaborate further on our relationship which I hope to give you all more details.
I am like a fellow hamster here, who pampered her all the way in any way possible, I have no temper, and am always giving in to her and her family.
My mum was in coma after a fall(she still is) and all I want was to pop by and see her everyday after work. After some time, she was upset and said I should be spending more time with people who are alive, rather than my mum who may or may not recover....this hurts me a lot. My mum raised me and sacrificed for me and the family, even though she is unconscious, as a son, I want to be by her side as I know she would also do that if it is me lying in hospital. It really hurts me...
My emotional support now comes from this married colleague and I would know, whether anyone here has had such relationship and is able to continue while still being a responsible father and husband to the current family. I think most likely the answer is no and one day when the relationship gets found out, it would do more harm than good...but I just wanted to know if it is possible....
Thanks again...


M

[hamsapkwai]

Some people in coma can hear but cannot respond much. Ask her to blink once for yes and twice for no and you will be surprised.

Dr Hamsapkwai

[Komuso]

Originally Posted by korg2020

Dear all,
Thanks for all your valuable feedback. I guess it is a choice I made to marry and as fellow samster said, got to bite the bullet and carry on, especially for the kids, because I know they are the innocent parties who will eventually be hurt.
I did not elaborate further on our relationship which I hope to give you all more details.
I am like a fellow hamster here, who pampered her all the way in any way possible, I have no temper, and am always giving in to her and her family.
My mum was in coma after a fall(she still is) and all I want was to pop by and see her everyday after work. After some time, she was upset and said I should be spending more time with people who are alive, rather than my mum who may or may not recover....this hurts me a lot. My mum raised me and sacrificed for me and the family, even though she is unconscious, as a son, I want to be by her side as I know she would also do that if it is me lying in hospital. It really hurts me...
My emotional support now comes from this married colleague and I would know, whether anyone here has had such relationship and is able to continue while still being a responsible father and husband to the current family. I think most likely the answer is no and one day when the relationship gets found out, it would do more harm than good...but I just wanted to know if it is possible....
Thanks again...

M

Bro TS, what your wife said about your visiting your mother would be considered the last straw for me. Granted that it may have been an emotional outburst without thinking, such words are not acceptable. At least an apology is in order for such gross disrespect. I think you need to be decisive very soon, to avoid further emotional strain both for yourself as well as the kids.

Sis TiredSal raised an excellent point on communication in her reply. Perhaps you should attempt, several times, to discuss with your wife the problems that are at hand as sincerely as possible. See if she can be reasonable and agree to work towards saving the relationship; compare both parties' grievances and try to reach a compromise.

If this doesn't work out, the unfortunate truth is that the relationship must be dismantled. I don't mean to sound too mechanical about this, but it's akin to taking medicine or having a bad wisdom tooth pulled. Hurts like hell but absolutely necessary. The usual consideration is that the children will suffer of course, but then again, is it wise for them to grow up learning that they can get away with what their mother has? Or that as a father you tolerate such unacceptable behaviour from another adult? How will they treat other people they meet in life later on? When thinking of the kids, the most important thing is what they learn as they grow up. I don't believe you want them to become adults who mistake dysfunctional relationships for normal ones. On the other hand, if their mother is willing to work with you to make things right, they will have a renewed respect for her, and will remember that when they are older and have to deal with their own relationships.

Lastly, if divorce is impractical for financial reasons, you'll have to make do with the situation. The highest priority, even higher than your own happiness, is their education - and I don't mean the one they get in school, which is close to useless. If you have no choice but to stay in the relationship and bite the bullet as they say, you should spend lots of time talking to your kids and teach them, as best you can, how to be good people. This is all the more important because even while you're doing that, they'll continue to be fazed by the live example of their mother, whose behaviour will appear to contradict everything you teach them. In the confrontations with your wife that follow, your children will be observing your behaviour, and will form that lasting impression of how their father either firmly stood up to what was wrong... or simply gave in to a stronger force of will.

Please understand that I'm not trying to talk down to you (you're older than me at any rate) or teach you what to do; I don't even have the full details of the nature of your relationship, nor have I heard your wife's side of the story, which will doubtless make the picture clearer.

But this is just my take on your situation, out of genuine concern for another Singaporean man struggling to survive in this city... which can be very harsh on its inhabitants indeed.

[between2heart]

Originally Posted by TiredSal

May I ask, when you find that gaps are widening between you and your wife, did you attempt to do stuff that you used to do for her while you both were dating, to at least remind her why she'd said, I do.... when you both married?

Harsh words were used on you, but were there neglects you used on her? Instead of thinking that you'd suffered quite a bit in your relationship, have you seen whether you wife had suffered as much?

Have you tried romancing her once again? Leaving kids behind and go for a 'once again' Honeymoon? Candlelight dinner? Surprise gift? Flowers... and kiss her after you tell her that you love her, right in front of the kids?

Right here, I'm speaking from the perspective of a wife. Of a woman. And, I was a victim of an extramarital affair.

My hubby complained almost the same issue as you. Felt that the gap between him and me and widened to beyond repair stage. Felt that I was violent against him and he was the one whom had taken all the blows from me.

What he couldn't understand is, I yearned for his touch, his concern, his care... his loving words towards me. A kiss when I'm down, and when I'm almost to a verge of explosion from stress from kids and family.... I want him to just step out and hug me. Telling me he's there with me. But, he chose to hide at work, hide in computer room... and eventually, seek solace in another.

As for me, I admit that I wasn't that exactly nice to him for a while. I had chosen to express my frustration in a very wrong way. I had said harsh words to him when I see him rather spending on dinners out with friends, on his car... and his cigerattes. It's been 7 yrs since I'd last received a present from him. He missed my birthday every single yr... Where for me, I will surprise him on his birthday without fail, a holiday, a gift, or just a surprise party. But none for me.... thus, I chose to give him black face most of the time. Instead of choosing to talk to him what is making me upset.

And when he was with her, they went for holidays at his own expense, and diamond necklaces, flowers... movies... you name it. I don't wish to think back anymore.

You and your colleague had spent too much time with each other. Thus the emotional bond happened. Both of you are not staying together, thus everything is still so wonderfully romantic for both of you.

What if one day, you start to see how she pluck the hair from her underarm? And wake up to a rather nasty smell from her breath when she tried to be romantic by kissing you good morning. Then eventually, telling you why aren't you both able to enjoy a nice holiday at Europe every once a yr? Does all the stress sets in again? Doesn't communication plays a part in every single sort of relationship? Be it friendship/BGR/Parents and child/In-laws?

You just sorely lacked communications with your wife. Thus it pushed you towards her.

But, if you still strongly felt that 'she' is for you.... then please do not hurt your family anymore. Just be frank with your wife and break things off totally, before you can proceed with your 'showing of affection openly', and 'do everything without public attention'. Don't hurt your kids anymore. They are the most innocent.

Good luck to you, from a lady's point of view...

Sis,reading your post made me cry.

I am now same as you.I've been married for more 10 year,recently(almost 1 years) we always bite each other.

My husband said he couldnt stand my behaviour.Luckily,he doesnt have extra affair.We almost fight everyday over small things for nothing.
How can I solve my problem with him?I feel the gap between him and me wider and wider.

[shctaw]

If he really do not have an affair; your relationship is a catalyst for an affair to happen....(both for you and him)

Sealed the gap before it turn into a hole.

Remember it take 2 hands to clap... and now there are no clapping.

It is human nature to blame other when something bad happen; while taking all the credit when something end well.

Originally Posted by between2heart

Sis,reading your post made me cry.

I am now same as you.I've been married for more 10 year,recently(almost 1 years) we always bite each other.

My husband said he couldnt stand my behaviour.Luckily,he doesnt have extra affair.We almost fight everyday over small things for nothing.
How can I solve my problem with him?I feel the gap between him and me wider and wider.

[cooldudex]

Love is an active and conscious decision and not just a feeling or an emotion. It always take lots of commitment on both parties to want to fix things, to want to talk it out. For you, it's even more serious because you have children. Think about it, you're their father and your wife needs you to be committed as well. What would the children think about their dad when daddy leaves the moment things get rough?

Many lives and futures are at stake here... Be wise...

[Longitude]

The problem with many of us is that we tend to use reason to talk back to conscience. We failed to realize that reason deceives us; conscience never. My advice to you is to heed the saying : "Conscience is a mother-in-law whose visit never ends".