I wish I didn't get married

[whitegals]

Originally Posted by Big Sexy

i am a gentleman.

Totally true fact, for I am a virgin.

[fastdone]

Originally Posted by hugs

wow i am not the only female samster who wrote a thread at Matter of the Heart XD

i dont care abt sex n love anymore btw . i see love as love n sex as sex now . no more interlink

love is what i feel when i watch my kids sleeping soundly in the nite , or when my kids n me holding hands walking to the nearby mcdonalds , or when we laughs at the silly jokes we crack

love is when i saw a blind man singing outside tiong bahru plaza with the best voice i ever heard , and gave him my best offer into his charity box . love is also when i refused to say anything back after i overheard a colleague tell-tale on me . i understood now that love is gentle , and it is kind .

sex on the other hand is a different thing . it is a form of pleasure . just like watching a block-buster its abt fun n it doesnt do very well keeping to moral rules becos fun n pleasure is what it is abt . so i think we shd be fun-loving n keeping the fun going steadily in our lives n that include sexual fun . that is the fundamental of a relationship too . keep moral outside the bedroom but in the bedroom , focus on the fun both can create .

marriage is not abt sex so nvr use sex as the reason for separation either . sex isnt the reason , the truth is boys will also be boys . adventurous , curious , daring , seeking out new excitement . except when they mature , they will see that sometimes what they do will upset their love ones .

so the matured man will handle their fun wisely , they are great man that women adore . lets face it , dont we woman admire man besides the bf or husband ? every woman secretly has someone else in thier heart besides their bf or husband . that is the typical characteristic of every woman . and sometimes we show it inside the bedroom...see ? how that can hurt a marriage too but we nvr think it that way

You truly understand what's life about. I will raise my foot in additional to my hand in agrreeing what you have posted. Both, sometimes cannot be seen as interlink, love is love, sex is sex, it could go hand in hand, but not linked, thats why both words even starts with a different alphabet.

[architecture]

Originally Posted by hugs

wow i am not the only female samster who wrote a thread at Matter of the Heart XD

i dont care abt sex n love anymore btw . i see love as love n sex as sex now . no more interlink

love is what i feel when i watch my kids sleeping soundly in the nite , or when my kids n me holding hands walking to the nearby mcdonalds , or when we laughs at the silly jokes we crack

love is when i saw a blind man singing outside tiong bahru plaza with the best voice i ever heard , and gave him my best offer into his charity box . love is also when i refused to say anything back after i overheard a colleague tell-tale on me . i understood now that love is gentle , and it is kind .

sex on the other hand is a different thing . it is a form of pleasure . just like watching a block-buster its abt fun n it doesnt do very well keeping to moral rules becos fun n pleasure is what it is abt . so i think we shd be fun-loving n keeping the fun going steadily in our lives n that include sexual fun . that is the fundamental of a relationship too . keep moral outside the bedroom but in the bedroom , focus on the fun both can create .

marriage is not abt sex so nvr use sex as the reason for separation either . sex isnt the reason , the truth is boys will also be boys . adventurous , curious , daring , seeking out new excitement . except when they mature , they will see that sometimes what they do will upset their love ones .

so the matured man will handle their fun wisely , they are great man that women adore . lets face it , dont we woman admire man besides the bf or husband ? every woman secretly has someone else in thier heart besides their bf or husband . that is the typical characteristic of every woman . and sometimes we show it inside the bedroom...see ? how that can hurt a marriage too but we nvr think it that way

I think this is the best answer to TS problems. Ignorance is bliss, the true way to happiness is to pursue what we want and remove the thoughts of what we don't want.

[aczeta76]

One monk recently said

When choosing, open both eyes
When dating, close one eye
When married, close both eyes

[LCL7788]

Sex, marriage, companionship, faithfulness, fidelity, family, love. And many other things.
They are never the same though some folks (organized religion, the state etc) enjoy talking about them as if they are all synonymous or at least inseparable.
They are wrong. But they are also right in a certain sense.
People are complex and so are people to people realtions. Is it so easy to disentangle and isolate everything? Trying doing it first.

Boys will always be boys?
Men are built to stray?
Ignorance is bliss?
Mature people are more discerning and always know better?
Sounds a bit all too sexist to me.
And a hell of a lousy excuse too.
Sometimes I wish some sammyboy cheongsters would look a bit beyond this forum and the common lifestyle they share with their fellow philandering cheongsters.
Right or wrong it is just another lifestyle choice but dont assume everyone to be like you.
I know plenty of men from different backgrounds who would never stray to any extent serious or not. Whether its with a colleague, some slutty nympho you bump into at a club or a streetwalking whore.
And they are not all bible-carrying protestant fundamentalists at all. Many are atheists and agnostics with open minds and non judgemental outlooks.
It IS possible to be faithful and happy.
And to maintain a good work-life balance.
Along with rich experiences, lots of curiosity and great passion.
Not to mention plenty of good sex.

Not for everyone perhaps.
But just because you suffer from weaknesses of the flesh or other stuff doesnt justify using a brush stroke as wide as "human nature" as an excuse for your behaviour.
It is a choice you make but there is nothing there for you to be so boastful about. It is not a universal thing so dont generalize.
And cheap excuses like this just makes whatever could be noble and admirable about people so valueless too.
And I am definitely NOT talking about something as airy fairy and abstract as moral infractions.
But something as simple as causing hurt to the people whom you claim you care for and respect.
If you can live with that and still claim you are decent and honest then there is nothing to say.

There is this conservative and sexist fantasy that REAL MEN go go out and play will still remember their wives and children back home that even if they fuck around there is still a special place they reserve in their hearts for their families.
So whatever they do everyone should just turn a blind eye and act dumb.
Bollocks.
I am sure pleanty of cheongsters recognize and adhere to this rule. thumbs up & respect. But a sizeable portion also dont.
We think sex is just sex. And with a whore it is even more clear.
Yet you can read time and time again in this section how idiot after idiot moron after moron is thinking of pursuing something half-serious with some whore. To the extent of putting wife, parents, family, career etc. on the line.
What gives?
What is there to excuse these twits?
Oh its just a little adventure on the side? How harmless and innocent leh.
Really?
Think about it also double standards rite? How many of these REAL MEN will accept their wives cheating on them?
But they will always be full of excuses lah.
Fucking secret holidays to god knows where with a whore sustained by lies the size of China and a credit card bill as long as an hour long sermon and its still not "serious" enough hor.
You ask their spouses to separate sex from love and overlook this bullshit but it doesnt even look like these mofos can tell one from the other in the first place. Good sex with a whore that I paid good money for = the romantic beginnings of a new and wonderful 2nd youth.
Fucking brilliant.
Give yourself a well-deserved slap on the back lor!
That they hurt themselves with their delusions of buying companionship and love with a little cash and some cheap gifts is nothing. In many instances they fucking deserve it lah.
But what of the collateral damage they do the other parties?
And not everyone of these other parties have always done something wrong to warrant whatever infidelities these jackasses pull out of their hats.
Dont these people deserve a better explanation and bigger excuse?

Its not bout being selfrighteous but being fair to other people in your life.
You can be selfish about it in which case also no need to come up with crap excuse mah.
But you can also dont.
I mean lets give credit where it is due. But bullshit ought to be called bullshit.

[Mankok]

Dear sister,

Try to realize that for us men there is a Difference between love and sex.

Probably you are the only one whom your husband loves. You are the only one in his hearth. You are the only woman whom he cares for. This is a matter of the hearth.

However, when it comes to sexual feelings then things are different. Men very easily get sexually aroused when in the vicinity of attractive women. It's natural. The biological system always responds when being confronted with women.

[hugs]

when a man strayed , what can he do to wipe it off from the record ?
especially in the record of the heart of the woman who offers her life to him ?
how often does a man understand what is bullshit ? usually not b4 he has already experienced some form of bullshits n then mature thru that experience . becos without experiencing it either personally or seeing someone else suffered it , one can nvr understand what pain feels like .

i have personally suffered a straying husband in my life 3-4yrs ago . saw my teenage son brokenhearted n ran into the comfort of gangsters at the age of 12, coming 13 , only to be played out by those so called brothers . i saw with my own eyes the pain n suffering my son went thru . all becos he loves his father as much as i love my husband .

i can tel u now i dont hate my husband . altho whatever he is going to do , cannot wipe away the record . for example , if a man stole $100 from u and paid it back , technically u didnt suffer any lost . but to a woman who offers her complete self inclusive of her fragile heart n devotion to the family , and great sex every nite , all it takes is for her to find out that man she loves slept once with another woman . to her , the suffering is permanent n eternal .

unless by choice , she looks beyond his human errors n forgives . is it an excuse ? then in that case i shdnt teach my son to forgive either . its not an excuse for the faulted someone . then again who hasnt err in life may cast the first stone .

my son didnt understand why he shd forgive . well now he does . becos by forgiving , he can move on n someday be a mature man n a good father . n understands that certain actions hurt those who love him . or he can stay hurt forever n be just another problematic adult in future .
pain taught everyone something . and the more painful it is , the more i realised its only max 120 yrs i will be alive . r u going to be a survival or forever stuck in one downturn ?

come full circle n i see what i experience is only common since the beginning of time n the sun will always rise from the east with or without me .i can get stuck in my corner and live out the remaining yrs after one setback there forever . or i can pick myself up . my ways may not be agreeable for others , find ur own method that suit u . as long it can work out , it is worth giving it some thots .

the focus here is , now that (TS)the sis is already hurted , now that her man has already done his error in life , what can that sis do to carrying on living ? to tell her bad news that she already knew ? to tell her yeah that husband of hers sucks big time ? hows that going to help crying over spilled milk ? to tell her to stop finding excuses for her husband .. and then .. set the bed on fire when he is asleep ?

or to tell her how to make the next relationship works out for herself ? unless we assume she will nvr find her happiness n that she is doomed forever from now onwards .

honestly , how many men can stay faithful ? LCL already proven its a minority . so that minority can look on the rest of the men n said : u guys are pathetic . wars were usually started by men . i can see why . man has ego n man likes to attack each other's ego . i wonder how that is going to help solve anything . does that minority suggest that the world closed down on porn movies n nite clubs n since we are at it , casino as well ? can u stop the world from spinning ? great sex takes 2 to make it happens . takes u n the woman u r with . that woman u have there happens to understand enough abt man n how to please u . not every man is as lucky . i wonder will a man go for paid sex if he marries a woman with much less interest in having sex with him ..

or maybe we can tell woman to understand that sex is a major thing for the man as much as love is to a woman . and sex has nothing to do with his love for a woman so stop relating it together n then hurt herself even more .

and then to have her ask herself , if u believe he loves u , then dont relate him having that sex outside marriage as betrayal to love . but rather work on helping him see the consequences those actions have on the people who love him . will he thus stop straying ? WHO KNOWS . but she has to find a way out of her situation shd it happens the next time . twice from the same man she loves .

[DO_I_BJ]

i give u a quote sis. "if he starts fucking ard other wymin. U can start fucking ard other men. " -me

[colins]

Originally Posted by misled

After getting married and learning more about men and how, no matter how good a man's relationship with his wife may be, he may still cheat on his wife......

1. If I had known this earlier I would have never settled down with a man because
I cannot tolerate the possibility of being cheated on, even if my husband really loves me very much.
2. If I knew men are like that,
I would have just had short term relationships for company and sex and even had kids out of wedlock, which I will be happy to bring up on my own.
3. If I knew how easily men can cheat,
I would have just stayed away from men, save for sex and to get pregnant.

I have a hard time dealing with this now that that I am married. It is impossible to be 100% sure that my husband isnt cheating and with jobs requiring a bit or travelling now and then, you never really know what is happening.

I am obligated to give my husband the benefit of the doubt and do my part in the marriage because we have a good relationship and kids. Yet I don't really feel happy about it. I don't want to cheat on him so that I can be one up on him. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just don't want to have to blindly trust someone.

blah blah blah.....

What I did is just to paraphrase your post. I think it helps to organise the thoughts from which those words were derived.

I think you are one highly strung individual who is not really suitable for marriage, or for that matter, for any relationship. Maybe you discover the reality of life late, but you blame reality. Or perhaps you find it hard to deal with your own insecurity, but you blame the world for its lack of absolute security.

Is monogamy a solution for you? Definitely not. Is a faithful husband what you need? Not really unless he is chained to the bed 24/7.

Refer to your last sentence "I just don't want to blindly trust someone". An extremist point of view will be, "I dun trust anyone." while a moderate's point of view will be, "I need to establish a system where proof of trust and faith is balanced". Nobody can give you trust until you trust yourself to differentiate between what is real and what is imaginary. Exploring into scenarios of what-ifs is fine if you need to make contingency plans for each of the worst case scenarios, but if you cause an implosion of scenarios until you cannot even handle the consequences, you will just stay at that point. Thats when you become edgy, distrustful, suspicious and finally disillusioned. All the betrayals happen only in your head, and nobody knows what the hell is going on inside you.

See your post again. All your answers are written all over the place. You have already given the answers quite well actually.

[SureScore]

Originally Posted by hugs

i have personally suffered a straying husband in my life 3-4yrs ago . saw my teenage son brokenhearted n ran into the comfort of gangsters at the age of 12, coming 13 , only to be played out by those so called brothers . i saw with my own eyes the pain n suffering my son went thru . all becos he loves his father as much as i love my husband .

Written very nicely. I didn't know you before but I could tell you had been hurt badly in your thread. I wasn't far away.

I am also glad you found yourself again. Live and let live.

[alphonse]

Originally Posted by misled

After getting married and learning more about men and how, no matter how good a man's relationship with his wife may be, he may still cheat on his wife - for variety or when he is alone overseas. And there may be no way that his wife can find out because he will be able to lie about it quite well, especially if he really loves his wife because he sees the flings as just sex and he will not let them harm the marriage.

If I had known this earlier I would have never settled down with a man because I cannot tolerate the possibility of being cheated on, even if my husband really loves me very much. If I knew men are like that, I would have just had short term relationships for company and sex and even had kids out of wedlock, which I will be happy to bring up on my own. If I knew how easily men can cheat, I would have just stayed away from men, save for sex and to get pregnant.

I have a hard time dealing with this now that that I am married. It is impossible to be 100% sure that my husband isnt cheating and with jobs requiring a bit or travelling now and then, you never really know what is happening.

I am obligated to give my husband the benefit of the doubt and do my part in the marriage because we have a good relationship and kids. Yet I don't really feel happy about it. I don't want to cheat on him so that I can be one up on him. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just don't want to have to blindly trust someone.

Just wanted to get this off my chest, nothing much can be done about it.

I guess my advice to women is to only marry a man if you love him so much that you are ok with him possibily cheating on you.

It's sad but true.

Why are you telling us this? Is there any merit getting it off your chest here?

I'm not trying to be harsh but looking at it profoundly and deeply.

You can sit down with him and tell him all that, have a closure. It all ultimately boils down to his personal choice, but by letting him know how you feel about it....Your feelings will definitely be a critical factor ...should he ever be tempted.

I am not telling you what you should do, again it is a choice.

[HCKing]

oh come on its every girl's dream to find and marry a guy that's capable, rich, handsome, hunk, faithful, loving, caring........and the list goes on.

only one piece of advice for u......GET REAL

[kwaychup]

well sis,
it's just really up to you if you wanna close 1 eye or not.
since there's already so many factors in your life
even if u caught him red handed,
are you gonna divorce straight in the face?
have you considered about your kids? will they grow up properly?

of course if he brings the other woman back home, that's are another thing to say. but that is a thing which i would never ever do. why self pwned.

somehow i'm also quite confused with this statement of yours;

Yet I don't really feel happy about it. I don't want to cheat on him so that I can be one up on him. I don't want to hurt anyone, I just don't want to have to blindly trust someone.

seems like you feel that he's cheating on you and you just feel like even the odds up.
i think it's something you have to overcome with your rational state rather then the emotional state.

[Chinapuss]

In life one shouldn't regret on anything...man cheat on woman and so does woman cheat on man...itz a relationship cycle

[Cheonging101]

Originally Posted by Mankok

You are the only one in his hearth.

hearth - Definition from the Merriam-Webster Online Dictionary
That sounds painful!