Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[bigbirdbird]

One Liners and Q & A



Alternative ways to say NO :


I'd rather have my nipples chewed off...by a pack of wild dogs.

I'd rather suck the snot out of a gorilla's nose...until the back of his head caves in!

I'd rather masturbate with a cheese grater.

I'd rather slide down a barbed wire banister into a bucket of alcohol.

I would rather stick my genitals in a bees nest.

I would rather crush my foreskin between two tables while being bitch whipped by a fat, mustached geek named Spyros.

I would rather have a porcupine inserted violently into my rectum.

I'd rather drink a gallon of turpentine...and piss on a forest fire.

I'd rather suck cow snot...through a straw.

I would rather sandpaper a wildcat's ass.

I'd rather watch Rosie O'Donnell and Roseanne mud wrestle... in the nude.

I'd rather bungee jump...with the harness tied to my penis...with your mom lying naked in the landing zone.

I would rather dry fuck a polar bear....in a phone booth.

I would rather spend ten hours getting a tattoo on my back...and then find out it's the wrong one.

I'd rather cram my dick in the ass of a bear with inflamed hemorrhoids.

I'd rather have the ten strongest 300 pound linemen in the NFL play tug of war with my nut sack....each side of 5 pulling a separate nut in a different direction.

I would rather try to open a beer bottle with my sphincter....and not a twist off either.

I would rather have my lower legs stripped with a wood planer...and then wear wool socks...in August.

I'd rather stick my nose up someone's ass...after he just finished taking a shit.

I'd rather shave my poison-ivy covered legs ... with a dull barber's razor...and no water or soap.

I'd rather french kiss a barracuda.

I'd rather poke a Grizzly Bear in the ass...with a short stick.

I'd rather butt fuck a rattlesnake... in a phone booth.

I'd rather nail my dick to the middle of a 2x4 and set both ends on fire...and try to get loose with a butter knife.

I'd rather stick a Hartz flea brush up my ass...and jog a mile.

I would rather have sex with Pee Wee Herman in the daylight, without a bag to put over his head.

I'd rather drink for a week from the septic tank...of the 700 pound man next door.

I'd rather wipe my anus with barbed wire.

I'd rather insert and break a slender glass rod in my penis... then tie it in a knot.

I'd rather lick an elephant's asshole...after he had just dropped a load of steaming diarrhea.

I'd rather run naked through a rosebush garden...then jump into a pool filled with chlorine.

l would rather lie under an elephant with diarrhea...in August...with my mouth propped open.

I'd rather ride a donkey naked through the desert...with snapping turtles attached to my nipples.

I'd rather be tied to a chair...and forced to listen to Barry Manilow tunes..while having my tonsils removed with a rusty spoon.

[bigbirdbird]

It's Harold's first day in the car pool. They honk the horn in front of his house and he comes running out.

He gets about halfway down the walk when he hears a grunt and the sound of his wife's foot tapping on the porch. He turns around and there she is, scowling at him.

He runs back to the steps, spreads her bathrobe, bends over, kisses her on the privates, runs back down the walk and hops in the car.

They ride in silence for a few minutes, until Walter, the driver, has to ask,

"Harold, it's none of my business, but why'd you kiss her down there?"

Harold says, "You wouldn't believe her breath in the morning."

[bigbirdbird]

A couple with their young son decided to spend a day at a nude beach. After an hour in the sun, the father went for a walk while the son played in the water.

After a while the boy came up to his mother and said,

"Mommy, I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"

The mother said, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So the boy went back to play. Minutes later the boy returned and said,

"Mommy, I saw men with willies a lot bigger than daddy's."

The mother said the same thing, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are."

So the boy went back to play. Several minutes later the boy ran back to his mother and said,

"Mommy, I just saw daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw, and the more he talked, the dumber he got!"

[bigbirdbird]

A man and woman stop at a convenient store. The man waits in the car while the woman goes in. After a length of time, the man goes in to look for the woman.

Man to clerk: Young man have you seen my wife?"

Clerk: "Yes, she already left." The man, knowing his wife did not come out, calls the police.

The police find her locked in a back room naked and tied up.

Man: "Honey are you OK? Did he hurt you?"

Woman: "No, he just licked me all over."

Man: " Officer, I want this man arrested for assault."

Officer: " Sir, I'm afraid I cant do that."

Man: "And just why the heck not?"

Officer: ... "He has a lick her license!"

[bigbirdbird]

Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty- five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?"

Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!"

"If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!"

So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?"

"No, not yet."

Morris begins fondling Sadie. "What about now? Should I moan now?"

"No, I'll tell you when"

He climbs on top of Sophie and begins to have intercourse. "Is it time for me to moan, Morris?"

"Wait, I'll tell you when."

Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!"

"OY! You wouldn't believe what a day I had!, First the bus was overcrowded, then there was a long queue at the post office, then .... ... ....... ...."

[bigbirdbird]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE: 1.


1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, who cooks from time to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust and who doesn't lie to you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed and who likes to be with you.

5.It's very, very important that these four women do not know each other.

[bigbirdbird]

Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has.

Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!" The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.

Suddenly there was a scream, a cheer from the crowd, and the trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air.

The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asked, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!" The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face.

I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.

You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"

[bigbirdbird]

Ways To Piss Off A Woman!

1) In the most romantic setting possible, lean close & whisper in her ear "Upside down and in the dark all women smell the same."

2) Use her bra as a slingshot.

3) Tie her to the bed, describe all the erotic things you plan to do. Then go bowling.

4) Convince her that you're having an affair. Once you've got her thoroughly convinced, say you were just kidding.

5) Ask why she doesn't fill up with water when she takes a bath.

6) Say, "Hell no that dress doesn't make your ass look fat. You've got a fat ass."

7) Walk around with a very large grin. When she asks what it is, start crying and say, "Nothing. Never mind." Run to the bedroom and slam the door.

8) Read her this list.

9) Ask her to bend over and see if you can use her to open your bottle of beer.

10) Tell her YOU have a headache, but you are willing to suffer with it through sex just to please her.

11) Re-arrange the dishes in the cabinets.

12) Ask her how she prepared a meal. If she wants to know why you want to know, say "So I don't make the same mistakes."

13) Tell her you're thinking about becoming a dairy farmer and you need to practice on her.

14) If she mentions commitment/marriage, mention anal group sex in the same tone of voice.

15) Tell her women have two holes so close together so you can carry 'em like six-packs.

16) Tell her she's your love buffet, but the doctor has put you on a crash diet because of a heart condition.

17) Imitate her having an orgasm while dining out.

18) Fake your own orgasm while dining out.

19) When meeting her parents, ask her Mom out.

20) Or, ask her Dad out.

21) Or, ask both of 'em to join you later that night.

22) Tell her you've applied for the position of blowjob inspector at the nearest whorehouse.

23) Scream your own name during sex.

24) Ask what her name is in the middle of sex. Tell her you need to know what to scream.

25) Tell her that her best friend was a better lay. If she protests, say "All right. We'll have a screwing contest between the two of you."

26) After sex tell her the doctor assured you it isn't contagious. Then faint.

27) Say "Hell yes size matters! Look at the Grand Canyon."

28) Tell her it's Saint Jism day and your religion requires you receive a blowjob every hour for the next 24 hours.

29) While slow-dancing, drool on her back.

30) Tell her you need to borrow a bra to play golf/tennis/poker,etc. because you lost your jock strap.

[bigbirdbird]

Little Johnny, a fifth grade student has a penis so large, his parents warned him not to have anything to do with girls.

They cautioned him he could easily kill someone.

Through the grapevine, his teacher learns about his unusual size, keeps him after school and suggests they have sex.

He refuses expressing concern he might kill her.

She laughs and scoffs at the idea and says she will elect to be on top, in complete control, and nothing bad can happen.

He reluctantly agrees but the teacher experiences such wonderful sensations, she faints from pure joy.

Thinking he's killed her, Johnny runs from the class room sobbing and crying, "Oh my God!... I killed her! I killed her!"

All at once he stops dead in his tracks, and look of dawning comprehension appears on his face as he says, "Wait just a minute! I didn't kill her. She committed suicide!"

[bigbirdbird]

Johnny's mother entered little Johnny's room and woke him. "Come on Johnny time to wake and get ready for school" Johnny groggily pleaded, "Ahhh come on mom, just 5 more minutes please!"

She replied, " Ok, 5 more minutes then you get up and shower and come down stairs for breakfast."

After little Johnny had his shower. His mother heard him crying as he came down stairs. "Johnny, What's wrong."

"I had my first wet dream"

His mother was a little unsettled with his response. And replied. “Well that isn't anything to be upset about. It's perfectly natural and normal. It means you're growing up"

"No mom it isn't that. You don't understand!"

"Well what is it then?"

"When my friends ask me. What I said after my first ejaculation. I'm going to have to say". "Ahhh come on mom, just 5 more minutes please!"

[cheekies]

1、一天，牛给驴出了一个难题，问“蠢”字下面两只虫子哪只是公的，哪只是母的。驴绞尽脑汁，还是答不上来 。牛骂道：真是头蠢驴，男左女右嘛！

2. 医生问病人是怎么骨折的。病人说，我觉得鞋里有沙子，就扶着电线杆抖鞋。tmd有个混蛋经过那里，以为我触 电了，便抄起木棍给了我两棍子!

3. 乌龟受伤.让蜗牛去买药。过了2个小时.蜗牛还没回来。乌龟急了骂道:他妈的再不回来老子就死了!这时门外 传来了蜗牛的声音:你他妈再说老子不去了!

[bigbirdbird]

Blondie Q&A's


Q. A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A. "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."

Q. What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A. Locking the car door.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A. She burned her lips on the tailpipe.

Q. Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A. They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.

Q. What do you call an unmarried blond in a BMW?
A. Divorcee'

Q. Why can't a blonde get a drivers license?
A. Because every time the instructor says "Let's park" she jumps in the back seat.

Q. What do you call a swimming pool full of blondes?
A. Frosted Flakes.

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!

Q. Why don't blondes eat Jell-O?
A. They can't figure out how to get two cups of water into those little packages.

Q. What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
A. A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Q. Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A. Because she blows the horn!

Q. Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A. Because everybody gets a turn.

Q. Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A. Because she's been laid all over the country.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A. She kept having affairs with men!

Q. What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A. She picks up her purse and goes home.

Q. To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A. Grade 4.

Q. What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A. 144 blondes.

Q. Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A. Because at 69 they blow a rod...

Q. What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A. A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.

Q. What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A. A blonde parade.

Q. What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A. She moved.

Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.

Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A. Not everyone has been in a 747?

Q. What do you call a zit on a blonde’s ass?
A. Brain tumor.

Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up

Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A. Get'em on their back and their both fucked.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A. The blonde has the higher sperm count.

Q. How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
A. They spread for the bread.

[bigbirdbird]

A woman and her ten-year-old son were riding in a taxi in Burigigon. It was raining and all the prostitutes were standing under the awnings.

"Mom," said the boy, "what are all those women doing?"

"They're waiting for their husbands to get off work," she replied.

The taxi driver turns around and says, "Geez lady, why don't you tell him the truth? They're hookers, boy! They have sex with men for money.."

The little boy's eyes get wide and he says, "Is that true, Mom?"

His mother, glaring hard at the driver, answers in the affirmative.

After a few minutes, the kid asks, "Mom, what happens to the babies those women have?"

"Most of them become taxi drivers," she said.

[bigbirdbird]

Questions and Answers from AARP Forum

Q: Where can men over the age of 60 find younger, sexy women who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore, under fiction.

Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you're handy with tools, you can finish the basement . When you're done you'll have a place to live.

Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60-plus year old husband?
A: Tell him you're pregnant.

Q: How can you avoid that terrible curse of the elderly wrinkles?
A: Take off your glasses.

Q: Seriously! What can I do for these crow's feet and all those wrinkles on my face?
A: Go braless. It will usually pull them out.

Q: Why should 60-plus year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don't forget where they park your car.

Q: Is it common for 60-plus year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem; retrieving it is the problem.

Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.

Q: Where should 60-plus year olds look for eye glasses?
A: On their foreheads.

Q: What is the most common remark made by 60-plus year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: "Gosh, I remember these!"


SMILE, You still have your sense of humor, RIGHT

[bigbirdbird]

One Liners and Q & A

Blonde Quickies

Q) What is the Difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A) An Ironing boards legs are harder to get open

Q) How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A) You have to get them hot, before you put in the meat.

Q ) What does an airplane and a blonde have in common?
A) they both have cockpits.

Q) What’s the Difference between a blonde and a Mosquito?
A) When you slap the Mosquito it stops sucking

Q) How do you know a blonde is having a bad day?
A) Her Tampon is in her ear, and she cant find her pencil.

Q) What did the blondes father say to his blonde daughter?
A) If your not in bed by 11 come home.

Q) How do you confuse a blonde?
A) put her in a round room, and tell her to sit in the corner.

Two blondes are walking down the Street, one blonde says look at that dog with one eye. The other blonde puts her hand over her eye and goes where.

Q) What do blondes and railroad tracks have in common?
A) They both been laid all over America.

Q) Why do blondes have a hard time getting pregnant?
A) Because they blow it each time.

Q) What's the Difference between a blonde and a Toilet?
A) A Toilet wont follow you after you use it.

Q) What do you call two nuns and a blonde?
A )Two tight ends and a wide receiver.

Q) What did one blonde’s leg say to the Other?
A ) Between you and me, we could make a lot of money.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball

Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a shower?
A: A shower has to be turned on to get wet.


A blonde goes into a laundry mat and asks to have her sweater cleaned. The laundromat attendant doesn't hear her correctly and says, "come again?" The blonde blushes slightly and giggles, "oh, no it's just mustard this time."