Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[seesaw]

I miss my husband. I really do. He's traveling and I'm home all alone and this weather sucks and I want company. So, I'd like to propose the following:

I'm looking for a surrogate husband, just for today. I will cook a great meal for you and greet you at the door wearing nothing but lingerie.

You must agree to:

-- come home by 7:00pm, but not actually show up until 8:00pm. Please don't apologize for being late and don't call to let me know you are going to be late.

-- walk in the door without actually greeting me.

-- the first words out of your mouth, after you get out of the bathroom, should be: "What's for dinner?"

-- take your plate from the table and walk into the living room and sit down in front of the TV, leaving me alone.

-- put your feet up on the coffee table, chew with your mouth open and ask me to grab you a beer.

-- not compliment me on the fact that the house is clean or that the food that took me several hours to cook is any good.

-- ignore me for the rest of the night and watch ESPN instead.

-- tell me to stop when I try to cuddle up to you on the couch and ask me to get you a beer instead.

-- come to bed without showering, even though you've been at work all day.

-- fart in bed and then fluff the covers.

-- wake me up to ask me for a blow job.

Please, please, please help me out! I miss the asshole.

[seesaw]

Little Johnny went to the first day of kindergarten and sat down. His teacher went around the room and was asking every boy and girl his or her name.

When she got to Johnny he said, "My name is Little Johnny, but they call me 'Bonnie' and that pisses me off."

Sensing some anger she said to Little Johnny, "This is kindergarten Johnny, we don't talk like that." Then she went around and asked everyone his or her address.

When she got to Little Johnny he said, "I live on Third Street but they call it 'Terd Street' and that really pisses me off."

She said, "Little Johnny I want you to meet me after class at my desk."

"Yes ma'am." Little Johnny said. So he meets her at the desk.

The teacher says, "You seem like a smart little boy can you tell me what this means?" Then she pulls up her dress.

He says, "Of course I can.

That means you wanna diddle and I'm too little and that really pisses me off."

[zerosixfive]

A blond, a brunette and a redhead escape from jail and decide to hide in a barn.

As they hear the police closing in, they climb into the loft and hide in three empty burlap feed bags. A young officer climbed into the loft, shined his flashlight around, and decided to check the burlap bags. He kicked the first bag containing the brunette, and she responded with a convincing "woof woof". He kicked the second bag with the redhead inside, and she let out a perfect cat's meow. "Nothing up here but cats and dogs," the officer responded to his superior. Deciding to be sure, he kicked the last bag, the one containing the blonde. She yelled out "potatoes!!!"

[zerosixfive]

A teacher notices that a little boy at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention.

She goes back to find out what's up.

He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy.

The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum, and ask her what he should do about it.

He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room.

Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.

"I thought I told you to call your mom" she says.

"I did" he says.

"She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."

[zerosixfive]

A husband and wife enter a dentist's office. The Wife says, "I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible."


"You're a brave woman," says the dentist, "Now, show me which tooth it is."

The wife turns to her husband and says, "Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear."

[oceanic]

A man 80 yrs of age married a young
lady. A year later he carried her to the
hospital, and said she had a baby. The
nurse said to the man: 'at your age,
how do u do that?
the man answered:'u have to keep the
motor running'.
another year passes, the man
carries her back to the hospital,
another baby. the same nurse said to
the man and ask:' u are something
else, how do u do that?'
he said:' i told u that u just have
to keep the motor running'. another
year and back to the hospital for
another baby. the same nurse said:
'u are unbelieveable, how do u do that?!'
he said:' u got to keep the motor running'.
she answered:"' well u better change
oil, cos this one came out black'.

[Sing@pore]

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking guy in his mid- twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you both better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment - a chair, a whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip, and the gun, and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her, so she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He remarks, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

"No problem," replies the young man, "just get that lion out of the way."

[Sing@pore]

blonde, a brunette and a red head are sipping tea and discussing their pregnancies.

The brunette says, "My baby's going to be a boy." The blonde asks, "How do you know?" The brunette says, "Because when we did it, my husband was on top."

The red head then says, "My baby's going to be a girl." The blonde asks, "How do you know?" The red head says, "Because when we did it, I was on top."

The blonde starts crying hysterically. When her friends finally calm her down, they ask her why she was crying. The blonde says, "My baby's going to be a puppy."

[Sing@pore]

Three blonde nuns in church on a hot day decide to remove their robes because of the heat. Not an unusual habit on a hot day. So about a half hour later, the door bell rings while their robes are slumped over pews clear across the huge chapel.

They ask who it is. "The blind man," a voice replies.

The three nuns decide to simply open the door because the man is blind. He walks in, looks at the nuns and says, "Nice tits! Where do you want me to install these blinds?"

[Sing@pore]

You were so ugly at birth, your parents named you **** Happens.
You're so ugly, you have to put a bag on your head to get your dog to hump your leg!You're so ugly, when you walk into the bank they turn off the cameras.You're so ugly, you went to a haunted house and came out with an application.You're so ugly, when you were born they put tinted windows on your incubator.You're so ugly, you have to sneak up on your mirror.You're so ugly, your doctor is a vet.You're so ugly, when you were born the doctor took one look at you and slapped your parents.You're so ugly, you stuck your head out of the car window and got arrested for mooning.You're so ugly, your pet name is Scooby-Doo.You're so ugly, you have to Trick or Treat by phone.You're so ugly, when your mother went into labor your father went into shock.You're so ugly, when we play peek-a-boo - first I peeked, then I booed.You're so ugly, you can sink your face in dough and make monster cookies.You're so ugly, they call you Taco Bell, when people see you they run for the border.You're so ugly, you make onions cry.You're so ugly, the tide wouldn't bring you in.You're so ugly, you make blind kids cry.You're so ugly, farmers use your picture as a scarecrow.You're so ugly, every time you go out you get chased by the dog catcher.You're so ugly, they call you Moses because every time you step in the lake, the water parts.You're so ugly, when you threw a boomerang it didn't come back.Yo mama so fat when she put a yellow rain jacket on people yelled out taxi haha lol

[Sing@pore]

Pupil (on phone): My son has a bad cold and won't be able to come to school today.
School Secretary: Who is this?
Pupil: This is my father speaking!

Mother: How do you like your new teacher?
Son: I don't. She told me to sit up the front for the present and then she didn't give me one!

Son: I can't go to school today.
Father: Why not?
Son: I don't feel well
Father: Where don't you feel well?
Son: In school!

Mother: How did you find school today?
Daughter: I just got off the bus and there it was!

Teacher: You missed school yesterday didn't you?
Pupil: Not very much!

What would happen if you took the school bus home?
The police would make you bring it back!

Great news, teacher says we have a test today come rain or shine.
So what's so great about that?
It's snowing outside!

Pupil: I don't think I deserved zero on this test!
Teacher: I agree, but that's the lowest mark I could give you!

Teacher: How can you make so many mistakes in just one day?
Pupil: I get up early!

Teacher: I told you to stand at the end of the line?
Pupil: I tried, but there was someone already there!

Mother: How was your first day at school?
Son: It was all right except for some man called "Teacher" who kept spoiling all our fun!

Mother: Does your teacher like you?
Son: Like me, she loves me. Look at all those X's on my test paper!

What did you learn in school today?
Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!

Teacher: You aren't paying attention to me. Are you having trouble hearing?
Pupil: No, teacher I'm having trouble listening!

Teacher: Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning.
Class: Hooray
Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon!

Teacher: Why can't you ever answer any of my questions?
Pupil: Well if I could there wouldn't be much point in me being here!

Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!

What are you going to be when you get out of school?
An old man!

Student 1: (to female teacher) Can you hold on to my wallet for me while we take the exam? There may or may not be money in it.
Teacher: I can't be bought!
Student 2: Yes, but can you be rented for a little while?
- Credit to Dizzyboy

[Sing@pore]

How Many Rabbits?
Your Ad HereTeacher: If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: No, listen carefully again. If I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: Let's try this another way. If I give you two apples and two apples and another two apples, how many apples have you got?
Paddy: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I give you two rabbits and two rabbits and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Paddy: Seven!

Teacher: How on earth do you work out that three lots of two rabbits is seven?
Paddy: I've already got one rabbit at home now!

[Sing@pore]

Catholic School
Your Ad HereA mom and dad were worried about their son not wanting to learn math at the school he was in, so they decided to send him to a Catholic school. After the first day of school, their son comes racing into the house, goes straight into his room and slams the door shut. Mom and dad are a little worried about this and go to his room to see if he is okay. They find him sitting at his desk doing his homework. The boy keeps doing that for the rest of the year. At the end of the year the son brings home his report card and gives it to his mom and dad. Looking at it they see under math an A+.

Mom and dad are very happy and ask the son, "What changed your mind about learning math?"

The son looked at mom and dad and said, "Well, on the first day when I walked into the classroom, I saw a guy nailed to the plus sign at the back of the room behind the teacher's desk and I knew they meant business."

[Sing@pore]

The Evolution of a Math Problem
Your Ad Here1950:
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price. What is his profit?

1960 (traditional math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of this price, or in other words $80. What is his profit?

1970 (new math):
A lumberjack exchanges a set L of lumber for a set M of money. The cardinality of set M is 100, and each element is worth $1. Make 100 dots representing the elements of set M. The set C is a subset of set M, of cardinality 80. What is the cardinality of the set P of profits, if P is the difference set M\C?

1980 (equal opportunity math):
A lumberjack sells a truckload of wood for $100. His or her cost of production is $80, and his or her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

1990 (outcome based education):
By cutting down beautiful forest trees, a lumberperson makes $20. What do you think of his way of making a living? In your group, discuss how the forest birds and squirrels feel, and write an essay about it.

1995 (entrepreneurial math):
By laying off 402 of its lumberjacks, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

1998 (motivational math):
A logging company exports its wood-finishing jobs to its Indonesian subsidiary and lays off the corresponding half of its US workers (the higher-paid half). It clear-cuts 95% of the forest, leaving the rest for the spotted owl, and lays off all its remaining US workers. It tells the workers that the spotted owl is responsible for the absence of fellable trees and lobbies Congress for exemption from the Endangered Species Act. Congress instead exempts the company from all federal regulation. What is the return on investment of the lobbying?

[Sing@pore]

Philosophy Exam
Your Ad HereAn eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an "A" when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words:

"What chair?"