Jokes for Relaxing.. [new thread]

[Nov4]

The Chief


While touring an Indian reservation filming a documentary, Barbara Walters was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses.

So, she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress and his reply was: "Only have one woman. One woman, one feather."

Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave. This brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two women. Two women, two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief.

Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Which, needless to say amused Ms. Walters.

She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."

The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile."

The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style...me sleep with em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."

The Chief said:
"No deer. Ass too high, run too fast, me tried"

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[seesaw]

Every day Little Johnny went to the park and sat on the park bench to watch the squirrels climb the tree.

One day while Little Johnny was sitting on the park bench, Susie walked by and unzipped Little Johnny's fly.

He went home and told his mother about it and she said, "Tell the little girl not to do that again because you have a mouse in your pants."

The following day Little Johnny was sitting there and Susie did the same thing again.

As his mother told him, Little Johnny exclaimed "Don't do that because I have a mouse in my pants."

At that remark, Susie lifted her skirt and said, "Go get 'em Pussy.

[seesaw]

On the last day of his French class, Professor Lint goes over the final exam. "The exam will test your comprehension. It'll be divided into two parts: a multiple choice exam, and an oral exam.

Heather realizes that she needs to do well on the final exam, or she won't graduate.

After class, Heather meets Professor Lint in his office.

"Professor Lint," she says in a sexy voice, "I don't think I'm going to pass the class and I was hoping you could help me out."

Pretty soon, Heather and the professor are making love in his office.

Afterward, Heather asks "How's my comprehension?"

"So far so good," the professors says, "but you need to come back tomorrow at noon."

"What's tomorrow?"

"Tomorrow," Professor Lint says "is the oral part of the exam."

[sorini]

Butt Doctor

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes. Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for...but what's the BEER for?"At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"

[sorini]

The Drunk

There was a man who would come home blind drunk every night and vomit in the bathroom sink, and every night the man's wife would warn him that someday he would puke up his guts.One day the wife cut up a chicken and left the guts in the sink, just to give him a scare. At about 3:00 a.m. the man came home and spewed in the same sink as always. About 30 minutes later, the man came out of the bathroom and said to his wife,''You were right honey, I really did puke up my guts, but don't worry, with the help of this long wooden spoon, I managed to put them all back."

[sorini]

The Three Choices

There once was a man who wanted to go fishing so he asked his wife if she wanted to go fishing or not and she said NO. So the man said you can either go fishing, take it annal, or give him a blow job. He told her to think about it while he put the dog in the truck. When he came back she said she would give him a blow job. So she did five minutes later she stops and said this tastes like shit. And he said the dog didnt want to go fishing either.

[sorini]

Gus the pus sucker

A woman walks into a doctor's surgery with a huge boil on her arse. The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core.He says, 'This is too big a job for me.' So he sends her to Gus the pus sucker.The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging, red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says, 'This is no problem.'Halfway through the operation the woman drops a mammoth fart.Gus stops what he's doing, looks up and says, 'You know lady, it's people like you that make this job f***ing disgusting.'

[sorini]

M&M's

An old man and a young man work together in an office. The old man always has a jar of peanuts on his desk. The young man really loves peanuts. One day, while the old man is away from his desk, the young man yields to temptation and scarfs down over half of the old man's peanuts. When the old man returns, the young man feels guilty and confesses to taking the peanuts.''That's okay,'' the old man replies after a moment. ''Since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocalate off the M&M's.''

[BaliHai]

What Your Husband Really Wants For Christmas

1. Trim his tree.

2. Lick his luscious candy cane.

3. Be his "ho-ho-ho" for the holidays.

4. Polish his Christmas balls.

5. Ride him like a reindeer.

6. Taste his sweet egg-nog.

7. Deck the halls with moans of pleasure.

8. Fa, la, la, latio- la, la, la, la.

9. Spark his menorah with a hot strip tease.

10. Request a stiff stocking stuff-her!

11. Make his Kris Kringle tingle.

12. Gift wrap yourself in sexy lingerie.

13. Unwrap his package.

14. Hang mistletoe from any place you want kissed.

15. Rock his jingle bells in the frosty air.

16. Make your Rudolph's hose as red as his nose.

17. Heat him up with a snow job.

18. Give the Christmas carolers a show of your own.

19. Dress up as Santa's nasty little helper.

20. Make sure you're naughty, so it's nice.

[BaliHai]

Whether a woman fakes her orgasms or not is something the majority of men would rather not question. This is in case they discovered that she has been faking it all along, and that they are not, in fact, the stud they thought women go wild for. Rather, they are a pathetic creature with a problem, who needs to be patronized.

For those of you who would prefer not to ask her, but would still like to know, there is a simple checklist to help you.

1. In the middle of lovemaking, and just before the moment it sounds as though she is about to have an orgasm, stop and take away the magazine she's been looking at. If she says, "Dammit, I was reading that!" she was faking.

2. If her panting, groaning and screaming are in tune, or sound like a familiar song, she can't be concentrating enough on the "job at hand," and must therefore be faking it. Or else she really likes the song playing on her iPod.

3. A rule of thumb, which is usually very accurate, is: stop at random and record her response. If every time you stop she says, "Mmmmm, you were wonderful, baby," she is faking it. If she says, "Don't stop!" she isn't. However, if she says "Don't stop!" hours after lovemaking has finished, it is possible that she may have fallen asleep, and missed most of the excitement.

Remember these guidelines for future reference

[BaliHai]

Whore House Slogans

1. More Fuck for your Buck!

2. More Honey for your Money!

3. More Gash for your Cash!

4. More Hole for your Pole!

5. More Head for your Bread!

6. More Booty for your Looty!

7. More Strange for your Change!

8. She'll Wear a Collar for a Dollar!

9. Will suck for a buck!

10.We'll Tally Whack Your Ban !

[BaliHai]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The salesgirl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"

He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes and she came home with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers. Because it is Soooooo much cheaper. So, I figure that if I have to roll my own, SO DOES SHE!"

[BaliHai]

An Indian (or to use the currently politically correct term - a Casino Owning American) walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of buffalo manure in the other.

He says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up."

He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee, and the Indian drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air, blasts it with the shotgun, and then walks out.

Four days later the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand and another bucket of manure in the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Me want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Tonto, we're still cleaning up from the last time you were in here. What the heck was that all about anyway?"

The Indian says, "Me in training for Executive Management job. Drink coffee, shoot the shit, and disappear for a few days."

[birdie8819]

Dirty Shorties

Q: Have you heard about the uncircumcised troll?
A: His name was Rumpled Foreskin

Q. Why don't men know the meaning of fear?
A. They only know one four-letter word beginning with F.

Q: What does a blonde have in common with the United
States Army?
A: They're open to any man between the ages of eighteen
and thirty-five.

Q. What's a clitoris?
A. A female hood ornament.

Q: What Do You Call A Woman Who Can Suck A Golf Ball
Through A 20 Ft. Garden Hose?
A: `Darling', `Sweetheart', `Precious', Whatever It
Takes.

Q: How do you get a woman off during sex?
A: Push her.

"Doctor, that rectal exam hurt like hell. What did you do?"
"I used two fingers."
"What for?"
"I needed a second opinion."

Q: How do you get a nun pregnant?
A: Dress her up as an altar boy.

A 12yr old boy gets hit by a car at a busy crossing. A woman
runs up to the boy and asks, "Do you need a priest?"
The boy replies, "How can you think of sex at a time like this?"

Remember: You can pick your nose and you can pick your friends,
but you can't wipe your friends off on the couch.

Knock Knock!
Who's There?
Little boy blue!
Little boy blue who?
Michael Jackson!

I bought a new car radio. When you shout "Soul," it plays soul.
When you shout "Rock," it plays rock. Some kids ran in front of me the
other day and I shouted, "Fucking kids!" and it started playing Michael Jackson.

[birdie8819]

Sick Twisted Jokes
Naughty Miscellaneous

Acronyms Involving The F Word

FIGMO - fuck it, got my orders

FUBAB - fucked up beyond all belief

FUBAR - fucked up beyond all recognition/repair

FUMTU - fucked up more than usual

SNAFU - situation normal, all fucked up

TARFU - things are really fucked up

JANFU - joint army-navy fuckup.

GFU - general fuck-up

SAMFU - self-adjusting military fuck-up

SAPFU - surpassing all previous fuck-ups

SUSFU - situation unchanged, still fucked-up

WOFTAM - Waste Of Fucking Time And Money

RTFM - Read the Fucking Manual

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This guy is walking down the boardwalk in Atlantic City and he runs into a hooker.
He says, "How much?"
She says, "Twenty bucks."
He says, "All right."
They climb down under the boardwalk, and he bangs her.
The next night, he runs into the same hooker. They go under the boardwalk, only this time while he's banging her, she blasts two incredible farts. When they get done, he hands her twenty-FIVE dollars.
She says, "What the extra five?"
He says, "That's for blowing the sand off my balls."

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Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my
own pants.

What's a wiener?
The first runner to cross the finish line in a Mexican race!

Why is sex so much like drugs?
Because the quality depends on the pusher.

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This guys eating this girl out and stops doing it for a second and says "Damn this pussy's big." "Damn this pussy's big"
She looks at him and says "I know but why did you say it twice?"
Dude says, "I didn't"