[moonlove]

i wouldnt really say this is a story. more of confessions. or various stories that made me who i am, what i am.

maybe some of you are gonna think im a stuck up bitch, or maybe some of the ladies here actually went through the same things as me. lets just take it as im ranting. people whom are curious can read on but those not interested in long winded stories can move on.

Sorry not exactly a fantastic writer since im more into chinese. anyone willing to help me translate from chinese to english can pm!

Prelude

I was a plus size since i could remember. Probably even right from primary school. From being mocked by schoolmates to finally finding my own friends to hang out with, life was never easy.

Love life was worst. I never had any luck in school, because in order to survive, I stopped trying to be a girl in secondary school. I'd read all the comics (i belong to the flame of recca, bleach days.), and mix around with the guys etc. And probably because of that, I developed a very straight forward character in which i ended up being brothers with most of my classmates rather den anyone for me to have a crash on. And because of my looks and size, i thought that was fine.

I just wanted to survive, to be able to go to school happily.

Everything changed when I met H from an online platform in my higher secondary school days. (i wont go into details since i know hes a member here.)

I thought i was in love. He was perfect although there was a significant age gap between us. but at that time everything really doesnt matter. I was in love. I wanted to show him off to my close friends (i never did in the end). I thought i was in love. But in fact, he was sexually grooming me. He'd teach me how to pleasure a guy with my hands or mouth.

I was afraid of losing him. I learned to enjoy what he was teaching me. I also figured out that his satisfaction was my happiness. But I did not expect that to change my whole life's direction. Maybe i was too young to understand all that. or maybe i really didnt give a damn.

PS I've never blamed him. in a way i am thankful to him. Because of him i strayed from a normal life, i ended up with my own stories. And to b honest, ive never put him behind. never.

Fast forward. When i finally left him at 17, I was a broken person. in all ways. my self esteem was zero, my self confidence also went zero. We went through a tough phrase (which ill skip here cause i dont want to risk him ever reading this or feeling bad.). It wasnt his fault at all. Thinking back if i had been more matured at that age, things would have been much smoother for us. I'd have tolerated things. And right now i'd not have so many "what-if"s.

After leaving him. I feel like i failed as a female.
And the only way i could convince myself that i am ok, i am normal... was through anything sexual.
Was to destroy myself so that I could be reborn. Despite knowing everything in my mindset was morally wrong.

To be continued...