Life of an FL and how it all began..

[Clarissac2016]

Read so many stories in this forum yet I can't identify with any of the stories of broken hearts in this forum. The combination of love lost, of innocence lost, of stepping into something and never able to turn back or even if I stopped now, I still wouldn't be able to return to the state of one who is untainted and pure as snow.

Because I am officially an FL.
(For the uninitiated, FL stands for freelancers. Prostitute. Whore. Explaining this bit for up until Monday last week, I didn't have any idea at all what the acronym or many abbreviations in this forum stood for.

And this is my true story. Writing this out not because I am proud of it nor to elicit sympathies. Just needed a place where I could pour into words what I feel and have seen and have experienced.

[joncheong]

Read so many stories in this forum yet I can't identify with any of the stories of broken hearts in this forum. The combination of love lost, of innocence lost, of stepping into something and never able to turn back or even if I stopped now, I still wouldn't be able to return to the state of one who is untainted and pure as snow.

Because I am officially an FL.
(For the uninitiated, FL stands for freelancers. Prostitute. Whore. Explaining this bit for up until Monday last week, I didn't have any idea at all what the acronym or many abbreviations in this forum stood for.

And this is my true story. Writing this out not because I am proud of it nor to elicit sympathies. Just needed a place where I could pour into words what I feel and have seen and have experienced.

please continue with your life experience..

[iHateRodents]

Please continue TS ...

[Pleasure_empire]

U still an active FL?

[oldslywolf]

Pitching up tent.

[robocat]

Camping here too :)

[Clarissac2016]

Certain details and names has been changed so that in writing out, I would not inadvertently hurt or harm those who has ever stepped into my life, be it even for a mere 45minutes.

Every single FLs out there, I'm sure or at least I hoped, had there been a better choice, surely no one would step into this field.
Remember when I was younger in my teens or was it early twenties, where I watched Pretty woman the movie. The film
industry had painted the whole picture of escorting and prostituitng oneself in such a stylized translucent manner. It is akin to looking through a rose tinted glass at working girls.

Later part in life when I started clubbing, friends and I would head to geylang for the usual supper. It was also on those many ocassions where I saw the street walkers. Used to wonder how life was like for them. How do they even get past the mind-heart-body separation to do what they have to. Used to wonder what kind of horrid things had befallen them for them to deliberately choose this field.
Naive as I was back then, I always felt that surely they do have a choice. And it must be they opted to take the easy way out.
Never did I imagine that many years later, I would be making the same decision just like the hundreds and thousands of girls before my time.

* to be continued

[Clarissac2016]

I was brought up by my Catholic/ Christian parents. Have got a brother. And like all siblings of opposite sex, we used to fight a lot but we were still close. Only in later life, that we drifted apart. Both of us were brought up based on Chinese traditional and Christian/ Catholic values, and above all, that sex is a sacred thing. Something that must be saved for your one and only marriage (they disapprove of divorce as a way out).

I went through my early childhood and teenage years with no major drama. Didn't cause my parents any grief or heartache. My brother and I were their pride and joy. Writing this part brings tears to my eyes for how far have I departed from being that same young girl.
Graduated from the girls school with 7As and 1Bs. enough to qualify me junior college or even poly, if I desired. Shall not state the option I chose since the focus is not on my field of study.

During the pre-tertiary days, I discovered what they means by clubbing. And like all late teens and young adults before me, I also discovered alcohol. It was at zouk that I met Wayne, who would later become my fiancé. He wasn't extremely good looking. In fact, my girl friends used to say he looked like an uncle for he appears to be on the brink of balding. He was extremely tall not fit. He was a little rotund.
But what drew me to him was his love for poems. Like me.
I first set eyes upon him when I stepped out of the club for a breather. The thumping of the music was too much for me and I stepped out to the entrance / patio of zouk. He didn't see me walk out and had cut across my path like a bulldozer, causing me to totter on my heels and fall.

His voice was a deep soothing alto. I remember how large his hands were as he helped me up. And said the standard apologies. After helping me to my feet, i hobbled to the pavement nearby. He followed me. And we struck up a conversation. Turns out he was the brother of my brother's friend. He was surprised I used to be from a certain girls school. As he was an ex alumni of a nearby boys school. We hit off from there, both noting the shared likes for literature and poems and what nots.

Not long after we started dating. Even during our dating phase, I had fully disclosed to him that sex was sacred and that I full
Intended to save it for my future husband. Wayne understood and respected my ideals and decision (lofty as they may be in this realistic sexualised world)

[Clarissac2016]

2 years on and my father decided to send me overseas to the states to continue my tertiary education. Did not fancy going there as my results were good enough to secure a place in the local university but mostly because I wanted to be with Wayne.

Wayne being older than me by 4 years, had started working by then. We resolved to make it work. My family had met Wayne multiple times and they were all fond of him. He decided to ask my parents for my hand in marriage.
My father was reluctant. So were my mum. Both of them felt that I was far too young to settle down, fearing that I might change my mind later on in life. After much persuasion from wayne, my parents relented and we got engaged to each other 1 month before I departed for the states.

I had expected Wayne to be as patient as he was during those 2 years together, about my stand on sex. A week before my departure, we went out for a farewell gathering cum belated engagement celebration with close friends at a club. Although I was able to hold my liquor well, that night I left the club very intoxicated having to hold down 3/4 of a whiskey bottle, and multiple tequila shots along with 2 or was it 3 of those awful flaming Lamborghinis. Wayne couldn't help much as he was driving that night.

We had made plans to spend the night at his house which he shared with his parents. He drove us home since he was super sober.

Upon reaching his house, he escorted me into the bathroom and while I was retching and heaving over the porcelain throne of a toilet bowl, he went to his bedroom and got me a clean towel, my standby pjyamas at his place and cotton pads saturated with makeup remover liquid.
That was how sweet he has always been. He knew how anal I was about cleanliness and removal of all makeup prior to sleeping.

At this point after rinsing my mouth, I felt slightly better. But was still tipsy and intoxicated. Just not feeling nauseous anymore. Seeing me in that state, he helped me out of my jeans and lifted my shimmery translucent chiffon top over my head to take it off. We had touched each other before, and seen a section of each other's naked body. I didn't think, and couldn't think. But at that point, I didn't feel like it was a big deal. Though I vaguely remember he paused for a while when all the clothes were taken off.
As I wasn't steady on my feet, he made me sit down on the porcelain throne aka toilet bowl and proceeded to remove the remaining vestiges of undergarments.
Started to soap me up and lather my hair with shampoo etc
After he had cleaned me up nice and proper, he led me to his bedroom where I promptly fell asleep.

[Clarissac2016]

At 4.30am, I got woken up by his hands around me, right arm under my neck and left hand caressing my waist. I remember the time so vividly because there was a clock with luminous hands on the wall facing me while I lay on my right.
I felt the hardness of his manhood pushing against my buttcheeks. I held his left hand and mumbled "..remember we promised to save it for our wedding night.."
He responded,"...I will remember.." And I left his hands to touch and roam every part of me. As my body responded to his touch and I turned around to kiss him fully on the mouth, he was lustfully squeezing my breasts then twiddled my nipples. And the pace picked up where he squeezed it with more force. Tried stopping him but by now the inebriated me who was still feeling the residual effects of the alcohol, left me unable to exercise logic. There was such an ache in between my legs.

At this point, we both paused to catch outer breath from an extended Frenching. With my pjyamas dress now hiked up to my chest and revealing the bare nakedness of the smooth swells of my breasts, I held his face and told him ".. we need to stop. Remember our pact to save it for our wedding night.." By now his manhood was so erect it was straining against my panty, and could feel heat from his rod emanating from it.
He looked at me half dazed and with a steely look that suddenly came over his eyes, his next words chilled me at that point."..I am going to make you mine.."

What happened next still plays vividly in my head. Up to this day.
He was like a man crazed, thirsty like a lion who got lost in the Sahara desert. Before I could protest, He pushed me down against the pillow and started kissing me hungrily, using his right hand to pin down both my wrists, all the while using his free hand to release his bulging manhood from his boxer shorts.

With his mouth firmly on me, no amount of resistance seem to wake him to his senses. With 1 deft swipe, he pushed my panty to 1 side, exposing the forbidden entrance.
He plunged into me.
The pain was excruciating. WHowever had said the pain while being painful was not that excruciating and was bearable, must have been taking drugs or some painkillers or their pain threshold was so much higher than me.

The first plunge, I gasped. With his mouth on me, my tongue couldn't even react at all. It was that painful.
I knew he hadn't fully broken through the barrier for it felt like I would burst from the bulging manhood inside me. He withdrew and plunged once more and again and then again.. Tears rolled down from the side of my eyes..

It felt like eternity. But it probably lasted 6-10mins. As he entered me again and penetrated again and again, the previously virginal entrance still hurt but there was a growing sense of euphoria. It's as if the there was a slight element of pleasure amongst the pain. With a cry, he buried his face in my hair and erupted inside me.

[Clarissac2016]

On thinking back, I wondered what it is with all guys where it seems that they seem to regain their sanity after they have ejaculated. Wayne was the first to show me this. A realization appeared to come over him
And his eyes clouded over. Only at this point did he notice the wet patches on the pillow next to my head/ ears. Tears.

What happened next still is a little blurry for me. I vaguely remember profuse sorries from him and some vague promises of taking responsibility etc. at that point, I just felt wretched. Failed to retain the only thing that in my eyes was what counted as a woman's true worth.

The next few days passed by in a blur. I refused to take his calls. He came by to my place to visit me. I kept saying I wasn't well. On the day before my departure, he came by my place again. My parents were out. My brother let him into the house.
He opened the door to my bedroom. Surprised to see him, yet I didn't know what to say to him.
To my surprise he knelt down before me and said how sorry he was and what an ass he was etc but strangely I only remember this excerpt from the entire long speech he made; "..I will wait for you no matter what and will make you my wife. If you do not wish to ever see me again and it will
Make you happy, I will understand. But if u will give me a chance to make it up to you, I will give u a home and family of your own, and the rightful status of a wife.."

That day with just a mere 18 hours before my departure, we set about ironing out the kinks in our relationship. We talked we cried and we laughed.

Next day, I left Singapore for the states.

* To be continued

[orangeproud]

Stand by to read ur xin suan shi.;)

[Howl99]

Please carry on

[norigo77]

Camping here... :D

[diputs1269]

Please feel at ease to relate your life experience

[Susanti]

Waiting for your life story TS

[Lomder]

Camping for updates

[Rickey]

Welcome sis to share yr story here in yr own thread :)...feel free to pour out yr heart !...dun worry, none of us in tis world is perfect & untainted & as pure & white as snow...

dun be afraid, sis...nothing in tis world is really wrong if tats wat u need to do, unless of cos it's against the stated laws of the country...here to support & giv u a listening ear of yr life's experiences, how u feel & wat you hv seen ! ;)

[TaviaYeung]

camping too :)

[sadfa]

Pprovide link to your ad. Bet it'll give you at least 30% increase in business if you're still in t line.

[LISA11]

Sis Clarissa,
Thks so much,
helps me understand,
to decide what to do next.

[a123d]

Waiting for next installment .

[Clarissac2016]

Washington DC, Georgetown
Flight with stopover in Tokyo

My hand in his. The warmth of his large hand holding tightly to my cold clammy hand. That was what I remember as Wayne and I stood together at the check-in counter, waiting for my boarding pass to be issued. I was in turn Mesmerized by the the swallowing of each luggage on the belt into the big hole at the end of the line.

"..hey sweetie..time to go. Got your boarding pass.." Felt a tug at my hand. It was Wayne looking at me, concerned look on his face.
Shook myself out of the daze I was in and with his hand still holding on to mine, we proceeded to where my family were waiting, at the departure gate.

Saying goodbyes was so hard even though it's not like I wasn't going to come back. As a typical Chinese family who were not forthcoming with our expressions of love, I watched my dad, who was expressionless, trying to soothe my mum, whose eyes was glistening with tears. My brother on the other hand, young as he is, seemed to feel only excitement on my behalf at the prospect of a solo trip overseas. " chae chae, remember to get me magnets from each state hor. When you come back of course." I responded with a laugh and ruffled his hair. My kid brother hated it most when I did that. " ello..maciam I have a lot of free time.. *whispers* if I flunk my papers, gonna blame it on you and your many requests. I'll try my best la but I'll probably cheat a bit ah and see if I can get it online..haha.. "

I turned my attention to my mum and fought the urge to hug my mum because I so wanted to bawl my eyes out. Regardless of how old you become, that has always been what I felt like doing whenever I was upset. That was how I felt like doing, in the aftermath of my first day as a FL.

Anyway, I didn't hug my mum in the end. Traditional Chinese culture just didn't encourage physical hugging and kisses. That was also the reason why my parents still do not know up to this date, what Wayne had done. Surely my dad would kill him. Literally. My mum just kept saying ," ah girl, you must call home often ok? Don't worry about idd cost. Anything, anytime, just call ok? You must take care of yourself. If you run into problems there, call uncle Ted immediately..." Uncle Ted was my dad's ex colleagues and whose friendship with my dad runs back several tons of years when they were both in the shipping industry.

She paused, seemingly to regain her composure. And continued "..and tohlong, don't you dare come back with some weird blond hair, tattoos and some metal thing in your nose, like your cousin hor.."

I laughed at that. So typical of my mum to say that. "I won't la. Don't worry"

I set my eyes on Wayne. He looked like he was holding his breath. Like he would burst with tears and what nots if he released. A modest embrace later (my parents' eyes were on us after all), he whispered "..don't let your heart change, you must remember I'll be here waiting for you.." I nodded.

With that, I released his hand which has never left mine all this while and walked towards the glass enclosure.

[Clarissac2016]

"Ping" I was woken up by the sound of the seatbelt sign going off. I had slept for s good part of the flight and had survived the stopover in Tokyo, enroute to Washington. As the air stewardess walked around checking on passengers and reminding all to fasten their seatbelts, I was starting to feel a growing sense of excitement at embarking on a new phase of my life.

Uncle Ted. Only met him once when I was a toddler but I don't remember him at all.
As I trooped out of the arrival gate with other arriving passengers, I was looking for someone who looked as old as my dad. As I was glancing around for this Uncle Ted who was to pick me up, suddenly a tall man in a beige blazer, stepped in front of me.
" you must be claris. Uncle Ted here. Almost couldn't recognize you. You looked different from the picture your father sent me.." I nodded. My tongue was stuck to the roof of my mouth. Because before me stood a gorgeous looking specimen of man. A full head of black hair interspersed with a few white peeking out. Rosy clear unblemished skin. eyes with brown irises with a sharp aquiline nose. He could easily pass off for someone who is 10 years younger than my dad. He looked Chinese yet a wee bit more Eurasian as well. Later on, I would find out his mum is Chinese while his dad was a Korean American Eurasian or hybrid. Lol whatever you call it.

He paused and wondered if he had gotten the wrong person. " ..you are Claris, right?.."
I broke out of my reverie. "Yup!"
"Great! I thought I had picked up the wrong person. If you were not Claris, I would have asked for your number! Haha. Come right this way, and let's quickly hit the road before traffic becomes darn crazy."
I couldn't help but blush.

With that, he led the way.

All throughout the car journey, we made small talk. Uncle Ted was easy to talk to. I also found out he had just gone through a divorce and was staying alone at his Washington apartment. He was working as an actuary.

Not before long, (time appears to travel faster when you are with a great conversationalist) we arrived at his downtown apartment. He parked his car in the garage and led me to the apartment.
It wasn't super luxurious but it was finely decked out with a great kitchen and a lovely sofa and recliner with a sheepskin rug and most of life's modern conveniences.

He led me to the bedroom where I would be staying at for the next 3 years. And where police officers would troop in and out of the apartment to gather evidence towards the end of my education there.

My dad had wired enough money over and with that, we set about getting daily supplies and sorting out school stuff. Uncle Ted also helped me obtain a modest second hand car with the money, as I wasn't living on campus. Usually freshmen are required to stay on campus for the first year. But my dad was worried about me going crazy with the new found freedom and lack of on site parental guidance, so he applied for exemption based on Uncle Ted being appointed as a guardian of mine.
So a car was necessary for me to be able to get to school daily.

Life as a freshman passed fast. I made some friends, and also started receiving more invites to home parties and gatherings etc. life was good. I was coping well with school work and was well adjusted to life alone in Washington. Home sickness was worst in the first few weeks but these were alleviated by frequent calls back home. I also missed Wayne terribly but we would set a time where I would call or msn at evening or night and where he would wake up early morning to hear from me for just 5-10mins.
It also helped tremendously that Uncle Ted was fun to be with. And despite the age gap between us (he was 22 years my senior), he felt more like a mentoring figure and friend rather than a uncle. He loved cooking and loved pairing his food with fine wine.

While he never mentioned his ex wife much, on the few occasions he did, it was always my mannerisms that triggered him to mention her. Like eating so very slowly, that while he was long done with his meal, I would still be sitting there with my dinner 3 quarters done at best. My habit of washing my hands and feet the minute I stepped into the house, even if it was for a short walk downstairs to the car to pick up an item, be it winter or summer. He always said i reminded him of her. I never prodded much into his past marriage and the divorce. All I know was she opted to leave and she wanted a divorce. That she was an American Chinese. And that they used to work together.

[Clarissac2016]

My 2nd Christmas in Washington soon descended upon me. And with that, Wayne as well. I had already made plans where to bring him and all. I had also asked Uncle Ted if it was convenient for Wayne to stay with us during his week long visit. Uncle Ted was fine but I thought I felt that he didn't seem to like it. At that time, thought it was because having an extra person over meant infringing on his private time at home. But I didn't give it much thought then.

Uncle Ted made his 3rd bedroom which housed his books and all, into a temporary sleeping place for Wayne.
On his first day in Washington, Uncle Ted had to go to work so Wayne wasn't able to put a face to the name. We headed out to a nearby diner for an early dinner and took an early evening stroll back to the apartment. As the apartment was dark when we reached home, we both wrongly assumed that Uncle Ted wasn't home yet.

Absence does make the heart fonder. We headed into my bedroom and Wayne played some Michael Buble's songs that I loved. As we sat on my bed, the moment just seem so right. As his lips touched mine, it sent such an ache into my heart. I missed him so much, just that I chose to bury them deep inside so that I could focus on my studies. He planted a kiss on my forehead and his lips came back to where it belonged; on mine. Soon we were exploring each other's orifice of a mouth like 2 hungry souls. It felt so good to be able to kiss him. And feel him reciprocate in kind by his tongue's gentle prodding. His hands was gently touching the bottom swells of my breast through my thick pullover.

We didn't realize that the bedroom door was opened. And lord knows how long Uncle Ted has been watching us. We were interrupted by a stern voice. " Claris!"
We broke apart as swiftly as the thin ice on the lake. A deep warmth grew from my stomach to my face; I blushed so red I half expected myself to *phoof* turn into a tomato. Shocked as I was, I could only say, " im sorry Uncle Ted. It was a kiss. I'm sorry so sorry...wasn't planned.."

Uncle Ted's response was scathing to say the least. "Is this what your parents should know you are up to when I allowed your boyfriend to stay over? How should I answer to them? "

I looked up at Uncle Ted and to my surprise his angry gaze wasn't upon me but on Wayne. Wayne looked apologetic but also unhappy. "..this wasn't planned at all.." He mumbled.

Uncle Ted ignored Wayne's response and fired back with ," Claris, you ought to be ashamed of yourself." I blushed an even deeper shade of red.

Stealing a glance at Wayne, I see him looking back at Uncle Ted with a defiance that I had never seen before.
"Claris is my fiancé. And in time to come, will soon be my wife. I asked her parents for her hand in marriage and her parents are well aware that we are together and will be married when her studies are completed. "
I was speechless yet at the same time, marveled at how my mellow Wayne who also hated fights and arguments of all sorts, to respond so gallantly. With a huff, Uncle Ted walked off into his bedroom with a sharp slam of the door.

The magic of the previous romantic moment had dissipated by now. After some tender words from Wayne to calm my racing mind down, and after both of us had washed up (individually of course), Wayne suggested that we should both have an early night after the fiasco earlier. With that, we bid each other good night and he went to his bedroom.

* to be continued

[Camomule]

Please continue soon ...

[Clarissac2016]

Pprovide link to your ad. Bet it'll give you at least 30% increase in business if you're still in t line.

Not sure if I should take your advice as the following :
- an honest kind piece of advice from a fellow samster
- or a patronizing remark.
I don't want to judge and I would like to by default think that it was the former and not the latter.

It was stated right in the very first post that it was an avenue for me to pour into words how I feel and what led to the decision to step into this line.
And no I don't like to bet. It needs to be reiterated that all I wanna do is use this as an avenue for me to vent.

I can't cry on the shoulders of my family nor can I possibly cry on the shoulders on fellow FLs can I? keeping it inside me makes me feel like crumbling under the pressure and I opt for this as it doesn't cause anyone inconvenience.

[Summerhillt]

Oh gosh, what on earth happened to you babe? How did a strict conservative SG Chinese family girl next door turned into FL? I really can't wait to find out more!

Great posts! Really enjoyed reading your posts. Maybe cause I come from the same family and I could feel how you feel. From reading how you always wash your hands and feet after entering the house reminded me of myself as well. My parents were really strict and said that it's a rule to do that when I enter home. Found it really strange when I went to my friends house and they didn't do it. Hahhaha.

Could see that your a really nice girl but wow, intoxicated after clubbing and spending the night with your bf? Sure kena fuck lah.. Let me explain why from a male perspective.

Firstly he had been with you for quite some time, you always don't give in when talking about sex. You become a prized possession. Best part is you became his fiancée before leaving for the states.

We all know how college is portrayed in the us. Wild sex, booze, even good girl will also go bad over there. How can he possibly send his virgin gf to the states? What if you get fucked? So he might had been selfish and wanted to take your virginity.

To boost his ego? Satisfy his lust? I don't know really. But one thing sure is that he knows your his after he fucked your virgin hole.

Uncle Ted, lol, is he pretending to be nice all these while or what? A man who is single suddenly has this syt over to stay with him.. Hahah. But my heart plunged when I read that in the end police came to your room to gather evidence.. Drugs related? I had my fair share of brush with the law back when I was in the states.

Great lengthy post and I enjoyed it thoroughly. No grammar mistakes made it really nice to reàd.

But what the fuck was up with uncle Ted? He allowed your bf / hubby to be to stay with you. 2 long lost lovers, bound to have body contact mah!

Why I really enjoyed ur posts is that when I read that you actually wash your feets and hands after entering the house reminds me of myself. I also had strict rules of doing that when I get home. Its to not dirty the house, always feel weird when my frens don't do it as well.

Love the minor details, that's what made it more interesting. Share more! I love to read lengthy posts!

Do bear in mind that you have a loyal reader here! Sorry for the poor paragraphing and grammar, driving now and just have to type this out!

[Clarissac2016]

Sis Clarissa,
Thks so much,
helps me understand,
to decide what to do next.

Dear Lisa, not sure what you were planning to decide on.
I am going to assume that it's with regards to stepping into this field.
If it is not, I'm happy for you.

If it is, I strongly urge you to reconsider. I can tell you right away, it is not a bed of roses. You will come out of this stint a broken person. Perhaps Lady Luck might shine upon you and fate will deal you a positive card whereby you find someone who can accept this past of yours. But that is often rare.

Perhaps I am weaker, lousier.
But I can't envision myself doing this for even 4 months much less 6-8months or returning to this line again when shit hits the fan again.
If you are not the type to sleep around and have ons like my peers when clubbing, then I can tell you it's a lot of adjustments you need to make. I have heard of girls crying after their first client. Of stories of FLs being horribly abused or worse even doing it raw without your consent.

While I have been lucky so far in that all the clients I have encountered were gentlemen and were gentle and kind with me, it also doesn't mean I will always get such clients.

At this point, if I strike lottery that gives me just $50k (which is near impossible since I don't even know how to fill in the ticket), I would quit in a heartbeat.
No make it 25k. I'll work my butt off even if I have to do waitressing duties, just to make up the remainder.

Wish you all the best. And I hope you think through carefully.

Love, Clarissa

[Summerhillt]

Sis if it's just 25k a person of your calibre can find work mah, office job or even sales sure can hit

[Clarissac2016]

Sis if it's just 25k a person of your calibre can find work mah, office job or even sales sure can hit

if I could use 12 months to make the amount, I would.
Time is a scarce commodity

[Opmake]

Please do continue, thanks bro

[Clarissac2016]

Wayne's week long visit to Washington soon came to an end. Throughout the entire week, I didn't see Uncle Ted much, except during breakfast every morning. Which was a good thing. Part of me feels ashamed ? Or rather pai say to see him, especially after what he saw. Another part of me felt responsible for his apparent dislike or indifference to Wayne. He didn't say much to Wayne except a passing greeting like good morning.
Wayne was respectful yet aloof. But it was apparent he didn't like Uncle Ted much.

Each morning, Uncle Ted would sit next to me at breakfast as was our usual seating arrangements when there were only me and him. Now that Wayne was here, he didn't appear to want to relinquish his seat next to me, seemingly ignored Wayne and let him take the seat opposite me. Wayne's eyes would always appear clouded. Many a times, Wayne appeared troubled and seem to have something he wanted to tell me. Invariably, we would be interrupted by some other matters or impromptu conversations that Uncle Ted started. As such, those moments passed.

The day before Wayne was due to depart for Singapore, we took a leisurely stroll downtown and went shopping for souvenirs that he would bring back for his family and friends. On our drive back to silver spring in Washington, we decided to hit the supermarket and get some fresh produce and some wine so that we could cook at home. Uncle Ted had phoned my mobile to inform me that he was just dumped with a last minute trip to Oklahoma City. I was secretly pleased that he wasn't going to be around. Especially since it is the last night of Wayne's stay here.

We got home. Prepared dinner. And together, Wayne and I sat down to a lovely home cooked Chinese meal. After all, I kinda got sick of the steaks, the salads, the potatoes, the sausages, the sandwiches and funky western broth. Having that meal together, it seemed like that would be the kind of life Wayne and I would settle down to after marriage. And nothing pleases me more than the thought of being able to cook for future husband and being able to share a meal together. The simplicity of such happiness.

With our stomachs satisfied, we brought out the wine from the chiller and sat out on the patio. We plugged in the portable heater that Uncle Ted has on his patio, and that soon made the winter drafty temperatures more bearable.

As we sat there, we had quite a few laughs and we're talking about what we would do when I finally returned to Singapore. We talked about our dreams and goals. At that instant, it felt like we were invincible and surely we could accomplish anything and everything. As the night drew to a close.., our conversation become interspersed with longer patches of silence. For we were both aware that the next time we would see each other again, would be a year odd later.

[Clarissac2016]

It was at this point, Wayne spoke up.
" Claris, listen. I have something to say and I want you to promise not to tell Uncle Ted what I said. And you need to promise me that any second that you feel like you would be in danger or not at ease, call me or your parents immediately."

I didn't know what to make of this sudden disclosure from him. Stupid as I am, I just shrugged my shoulders and said, " why would I be in danger? I come home from school on the dot everyday. You even know when im going out and with whom and to where I'm headed. I know you're worried about me being alone here but Uncle Ted is here and he watches me like a mother hen. I'm sure I'll be safe."

Wayne got worked up at what I said and burst out, " you don't know what men are like! Even the ones who treats you well. And I don't like the way Uncle Ted watches you whenever your back is turned whenever you walk back to your bedroom! I don't like the way Uncle Ted pats your back, your lap or your hand whenever you share something superb or anything. Just listen to me and promise me. Please.."

Thinking back, I thought he was jealous of an old uncle. Ok fine he wasn't technically that old. Nor technically my uncle in blood ties. I didn't want to mar the remainder of our precious time together so I reassured Wayne that I would do as he says. Seated in close proximity, I could smell his perfume. And the scent of his shampoo.

Satisfied with my reply, Wayne planted a kiss on my cheek. Fully anticipating that it would be a quick peck, his kiss lingered on my cheek, taking in the scent of my skin. He turned me to face him and cupped my face with his cold hands, and leaned in for a proper kiss. Seconds and minutes passed and we were like ardent lovers, repeating what happened the first night he arrived. I took my cue from him as he got up and took the wind glass and the decanter back to the kitchen sink. In silence, he led me back to my bedroom. With 1 hand on the small of my back, and the other holding my chin, he pulled me in close for another kiss. There was more urgency in his kiss and the way his tongue gently explored my mouth. I vaguely heard the bedroom door shut with a click. And as he slowly kissed me, he was guiding me wth his body, backing up against the bed. Without breaking the kiss, he unzipped the woolen dress I was in. Dress fell to the floor. As he continued kissing me, I knew his hands had left me to unbutton his jeans and his boxer. We broke the kiss for a few seconds as he pulled his sweater and thermals off. Looking at me, he resumed the french kiss, and removed my brasserie. We stopped momentarily to catch our breath.

By this time, I was seated on the bed. And facing me was his engorged manhood. It resembled a mushroom head but it looked angrily red and swollen. I was affixed by the sight of that. His voice snapped me back to reality. "Claris, I don't want to repeat what happened the first night we got together. Are you ready for me? If you said no, I would totally respect that..." His voice trailed off and I could see that his engorged mushroom head were slightly deflated or was it my imagination.
At that moment, I knew I loved him and that love at the point made me throw all caution to the wind and I nodded.

As I lay on the bed naked and he climbed into the bedcovers and snuggled with me, I could feel the heat of his body. He began to nuzzle the base of my neck and my shoulders where he knew that would be my weak points. His tongue slowly trailed down past the base of my neck. All this while, his hand was busy squeezing and fondling my breasts. And finally his lips reached the erect darkened pointed tips of one of my breast. The sense of giddy pleasure hit me and made me moan as his mouth and tongue worked in tandem to alternate between sucking on the tips and flicking away at the tip with his tongue.

He freed a hand and went down south to explore the entrance. I didn't know what he was doing but as he rubbed the sensitive points of pleasure below, I could feel a heat generating from deep within me. He pushed a finger into me. I knew that because he told me seconds prior to entry. It is so difficult to find words to adequately describe the sensations. It was a little painful but yet so pleasurable.
He next led my hands to touch his throbbing member. And i remember thinking, wow so hot.. And how big it was to fit inside me.
And as I stroke his shaft up and down, he continued what he was doing to the hole down south. He paused at this moment and asked if I could take him into my mouth. Giddy and overcome with pleasure and lust, I willingly agreed. Without much experience at this, I proceeded to lick at his mushroom head like an ice lolly. And tentatively wet my lips and took him into my mouth. It went in 3/4 of the way, before my gag reflex stopped me. In and out it went, until it seemed like he could bear it no longer. As he gently pushed me away from his groin, he guided me to lay my head down on the pillow and he got on top of me. Looking me in the eye, he said , " Claris, one more time. I can only hold back so long. If you are not ready, I will stop this instant.." I could only nod.

With the show of yes from me, he proceeded to slowly penetrate me a little and then withdrawing to alternate with using his mushroom head to tease the sensitive points of my clitoris. This continued for minutes or was it seconds? I couldn't tell. For so overwhelmed was I by the sensations of pleasure rippling through my body.
With a kiss on my lips, he penetrated me fully. I know I must have grimaced in pain for he froze and asked me if I was ok. I just kept saying " it's ok..just go ahead.."
As he slowly thrusted in and pulled out and thrusted in again, I could feel lesser of the pain and more pleasure. The heady pleasure..that was all I could remember. I know towards the end, both of us were drenched in perspiration and I was being totally wanton such that I kept wanting to pull him closer to me. Suddenly I could feel this tremendous pressure of pleasure building up. It's like a pressure cooker, like the steam floats up and up until it was lost.. My body erupted in euphoria and I felt the inner vaginal muscles tighten and release, tighten and release in quick succession, all the while feeling like I had just peed.
That was the first time I reached orgasm. I remember thinking, wow, if this is what the female magazines speaks of. The elusive orgasm. Seconds later, I would reach orgasm again as he reached climax and released his entire being into me, spurting hot fluid into the inner most part of me.

I know many must be wondering if I ever became pregnant. Truth was, neither he nor I had thought about that. Giddy with desire and love for each other, we didn't factor that risk in. And it was pure luck I didn't end up big bellied.

As we lay spent on the bed, hair matted and wet and stuck to our face and neck, we cuddled. The afterglow of the completion of us; me and him, was still evident on his face. We got up and washed up and tired as we both were from expending our energies into that singular act of completion, we both fell asleep not long after. He in his own bedroom and me in mine. Woke up that morning as half a girl and went to bed fully a woman.

Next morning dawned. And as the winter son shone into my bedroom, casting the sun's bright glare on my face, I woke up. I lay there just daydreaming about the events of night before. Wayne knocked on my door and came in and I knew time was up. With mixed emotions I washed up, got dressed and got ready to send my Wayne to the airport.

[GodOfHealth]

nice story .... camping here

[Joanne1990]

Please continue TS~

[Clarissac2016]

To be continued.


By the way, may I just clarify that I'm currently not a sweet nubile young thing. And I'm not super gorgeous; not sure where forth in what I have written thus far, implied or stated explicity a description of myself. As such, I honestly have no idea how such an impression was generated.

As with all types of woman in the world, someone's meat may be another's poison. Just wanted to clarify this in case another pm is sent to ask me for my pic or to state how lovely I must look.
I'm certainly not ugly. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I probably might be a plain Jane in your eyes.

I do applaud fellow samsters for their vivid imagination though.
Still this is just an avenue for me to pen into words how I feel.

[TickTock]

To be continued.


By the way, may I just clarify that I'm currently not a sweet nubile young thing. And I'm not super gorgeous; not sure where forth in what I have written thus far, implied or stated explicity a description of myself. As such, I honestly have no idea how such an impression was generated.

As with all types of woman in the world, someone's meat may be another's poison. Just wanted to clarify this in case another pm is sent to ask me for my pic or to state how lovely I must look.
I'm certainly not ugly. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I probably might be a plain Jane in your eyes.

I do applaud fellow samsters for their vivid imagination though.
Still this is just an avenue for me to pen into words how I feel.

So what are ur rates and wheres the link to ur profile?

[never2342]

Camping here for more Stories =D Nice work done =)

[cabayasi]

What a difference side of story we have. Kee it up sis.

[xrage]

man, we are heree to read and share stories.. true I have never read a more true or real life story of d life of an FL than yours.... it is so interesting to read, good language and pace. thanks for the effort in sharing..

BUT although it draws me into your story, I cant help but feel so much sadness dwelling within, it is obvious your story stems from a not too good place... and I feel for you babe... feel like this is such a build up for certain defining episodes that shape your life.. you have already revealed that first one...

my heart also sank when I read the police trotting in and out.. what type of crime scene was that flat? how were you involved? I am sure this uncle Ted has a major part to play too... oh my..

I think many of us understand your upbringing.. cos we are like that too.. in particular, which girls's school near to an all boys school... I have a good idea...

Just really wondering how life has treated you... and what you had to go through... I don't know.. but am so sorry to hear that...

not patronizing you nor sympathizing.... I'm not looking for anything... just airing my views too.....

I guess this is a good airing platform.. where we are anonymous.. many of us have our dark moments in life, myself including... and I believe we will feel lighter after airing our shits... so go ahead.

[lostbird]

Morning Sis,

Wish you well ....

Best regards

[forlive]

sis, i am reading your post, keep update!

[comm]

To be continued.


By the way, may I just clarify that I'm currently not a sweet nubile young thing. And I'm not super gorgeous; not sure where forth in what I have written thus far, implied or stated explicity a description of myself. As such, I honestly have no idea how such an impression was generated.

As with all types of woman in the world, someone's meat may be another's poison. Just wanted to clarify this in case another pm is sent to ask me for my pic or to state how lovely I must look.
I'm certainly not ugly. But beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I probably might be a plain Jane in your eyes.

I do applaud fellow samsters for their vivid imagination though.
Still this is just an avenue for me to pen into words how I feel.

just ignore them and all the pms asking for ur personal details :D

[FrancoisYeap]

Please continue Sis :)

[Summerhillt]

Sis, the story is awesome. I don't know why whenever I read till the end of your post. I will feel abit sad that I would have to wait... For yet another instalment.

I really admire your writing and the flow. Wonder what did you major in.

[justdarrennn]

Feels like I'm gonna cry buckets at the end of the story.

[Clarissac2016]

Fast forward from my sophomore year to senior year.

Twas the final year where I would finally graduate.
Throughout the past 2 odd years, Wayne together with my parents visited me 2 more times. Those times, I would stay over with my parents and Wayne in a local hotel. My parents by now has already started viewing Wayne as their son-in-law although we have yet to register our marriage.

These visits usually passed by really fast, at least in my eyes. Occasionally, Uncle Ted would meet all of us for dinner on a weekday or bring us around if he was available on the weekends. Wayne still hadn't got over his dislike for him. My parents on the other hand were grateful for his help in looking after me throughout these years. I, on the other hand, had long forgotten what I promised Wayne when he visited me in my sophomore year.
There just wasn't anything that indicated I would be in danger.

5 or was it 6 months before my final exams? The time line here becomes very blurry perhaps because I wanted to block out the events that had happened. I'm not sure if that is the case. Or perhaps I so badly wanted to forget it ever happened.

[Clarissac2016]

It was a Friday evening. Uncle Ted was home early as he had organized a home party or gathering at his place for his friends and colleagues. I was informed of this a couple of weeks prior, and though Uncle Ted said I could hang out at home and join in, I didn't fancy doing so. After all, I was still
In my early twenties and I didn't think that I could gel with people on average twice my age.
In any case, I made plans with some university friends to head to a pizza joint for dinner and thereafter hang out at her parent's place before the entire bunch of girls went out for a night at a club. My curfew was usually set at 11pm. As he had friends over, I supposed he relaxed the rule and uncle Ted said I would need to get my butt home by 1am. 1am on a night for clubbing was considered early in Washington and I guess pretty much any where in the world. By now, I had matured both in terms of my ideology on life as well as how I viewed clubbing and all the associated vices. Was no longer imbibing on alcohol like how I used to in Singapore. I no longer went full blown crazy, hell intent on getting the most fun out of such a night. Just wanted to enjoy myself and relax and head home in 1 piece.

I had received for my birthday, a voucher for a leading clothing store, from Uncle Ted.
And had purchased for myself a chiffon and stretchy polyester dress in pastel pink. It wasn't the usual fluff and tuff sickly sweet kind of dress. With a v neckline that ended slightly lower to reveal a slight cleavage and a pipped in waist line that tapered down to skim my bigger hips and butt with a hem that ended above my knee, it was something rather modest for clubbing. But I loved that dress. It wasn't overtly sexy or slutty, but it accentuated my favorite part of the body which was my buttock and my bust, and yet allowing me to cover the areas I didn't fancy so much, my waist. I remember so vividly the dress for it would later be torn and ripped. And the police would later bring that item back as part of their investigation.

[Clarissac2016]

As I left the apartment, Uncle Ted caught sight of me from where he was in the kitchen. He did a double take and said, "wow you look so much like LT (name of his wife) with your hair curled.... well you betta be off soon. Or you'll be late..enjoy yourself "
I bid adieu and went on my way.

On that fateful night, as per the plan, my schoolmates and I went to one of the underground clubs after pizza. The usual shenanigans like drinking and more drinking, dancing and more dancing. Given the large group of girls, all dressed either to kill or pretty enough to snag a second look, some of the men tried to hook up with us with the usual cheesy lines etc. By the end of the night, I drank quite a bit and with the exception of another girlfriend who was quite drunk and had vomit sprayed over her dress, and me, the rest of the group had a male companion or companions by their side. It was close to 1am when I decided to leave. I called for a cab and elected to send the (by now almost comatose) girlfriend home before taking the same cab to uncle Ted'a house.

I opened the door, expecting human remnants of the gathering to be around. But no, there was nary a soul. The living hall was empty and the whole house, save for an Ella Fitzgerald song playing softly, was devoid of any other noises. I stood in the hall for a while; probably seconds. Wondering if Uncle Ted was out or if he had fallen prey to too much alcohol. I glanced around the hall, saw some dirty wine glasses, remnants on what resembled canapes on another serving dish platter. From my vantage point, I could see right through to the kitchen and it was also the same scene. I quickly deduced that oh well the guests must have left and Uncle Ted was probably out with them or was knocked out in his bedroom.

My stockinged feet walked noiselessly on the floor to wards my bedroom. Dumped my lil bag on the bed, removed my accessories and left it on my vanity and I soon plonked myself down at my desk and logged onto msn. Seeing that Wayne wasn't online, I typed in quick succession a few sentences to let him know I just got home and the standard how was his day. As I hit "enter", I was acutely aware of a presence behind me.

[Clarissac2016]

Turning around, I saw Uncle Ted standing behind me. He reeked of alcohol and his eyes was slightly glazed over. "Uncle Ted, you scared me! Thought it was something else."

"Who did you think it was? Anther male friend of yours ?" One of his hand reached out to me; I was expecting a pat on the shoulder or head. Don't ask me why I was expecting that. In any case, it wasn't so. His hand reached out to touch my hair, seemingly mesmerized by my loose curls that I had done myself earlier in the day. Feeling weird, and worried at the same time, i stood up facing him and asked if he was ok.

Without warning, he lunged forward and with his hand entangled in my hair, now fisted up, he grabbed my hair hard and yanked my head to the side. For a spilt second, I thought only of how vampires bite. Momentarily stunned, I gasped in surprise when he swiftly leaned forth to kiss my neck roughly. All the while pushing me and I kept backing up until I hit the wall behind me. His free hand groped my upper body and roughly grabbed at my breasts.

Recovering from the initial paralysis, I instinctively tried to push him off and slapped him across the face hard and shouted for him to stop it. It only seemed to incense him further. Shaking his hand free of my hair, the same hand next delivered a stinging slap across my face that left my ear ringing. Reeling from the shock and made giddy by the slap, he dragged my arm and whipped me around and pushed me onto my study table. I struggled hard and tried to fight back, all the while screaming. He rewarded these actions by grabbing a fistful of my hair and forcefully slammed my face down on the table. Rendered disoriented and with the throbbing pain in my head, I heard a sickening rip of my dress's zip.

I wanted to fight back. But I felt so weak, and so giddy. One arm twisted behind my back and the other left to support my upper body, I heard unzipping and next thing I knew, he had pulled down my underwear. And he forced his penis into a very dry vagina and began pumping away. All this while, he was calling his ex-wife's name and repeating like a crazed man how much he loved her.

[Clarissac2016]

My screams were loud at the start.

Can't remember what I was screaming but as he continued the thrusting, my screaming turned into pleading ...pleaded for mercy, pleaded for him to stop, pleaded for him to kill me there and then...

It then faded into whimpers.

God it hurt so much. At the back of my head, I thought, this is how a rape victim feels like. As he pounded away, generating the sickening sound of the flesh on my buttcheeks meeting his groin, he suddenly slowed. With a lack of experience in this area, I thought he had come and my ordeal was finally over. I felt huge finger prying over my buttcheeks.
I heard him spit a few times at my butt. The slime hit straight at my asshole. A searing pain soon followed. I felt like I was ripped apart. The pain was worse than anything I have ever felt before, worse than when my mum had caned me, worse than when I scrapped my knees on the Tarmac when I was young, worse than the pain of my deflowering. It was so bad that I thought I would pass out. The pain didn't ease at all. Instead it grew worse in intensity.

It felt like eternity. But when it was finally over, I glanced at the computer screen which was still lit up. 2.12 am was the time. And I saw Wayne msn message icon jump up and down. Done with his handiwork, Uncle Ted dumped me unceremoniously on the floor. I felt wetness on the floor and didn't bother with it. Crawled over to my bed and hoisted myself up into a semi sitting position despite the searing pain in my lower body, and groped the mattress for my bag. Fumbling with the clasp, I reached for my mobile and dialed quick dial 1. That was Wayne. Half sobbing and half breathless, all I could mutter incoherently to Wayne was "...help me it hurts uncle Ted did it.." before I passed out into darkness..

* To be continued

[SerenaMoon]

Very well written .... keep going :)

[goody88sg]

I wish you well and success in your bright future.

Ts. Thank goodness you are save and sound now ,

I camping for your story. I am preparing great foods beer for you. 6666666

[LydiaSum]

Do carry on Sis :)

[handsome123]

Sigh, behind every smile, lies a tragedy only known to yourself

[Chosen]

Sigh, behind every smile, lies a tragedy only known to yourself

Very well said bro

[xrage]

ohhh mmyyy.. its one thing to read a novel... and another to read a true recount.

wont say the usual shit, but am glad that ordeal is over for you. hope you are looking forward and better for it now.

thanks for sharing.

[kgbkgb]

My screams were loud at the start.

Can't remember what I was screaming but as he continued the thrusting, my screaming turned into pleading ...pleaded for mercy, pleaded for him to stop, pleaded for him to kill me there and then...

It then faded into whimpers.

God it hurt so much. At the back of my head, I thought, this is how a rape victim feels like. As he pounded away, generating the sickening sound of the flesh on my buttcheeks meeting his groin, he suddenly slowed. With a lack of experience in this area, I thought he had come and my ordeal was finally over. I felt huge finger prying over my buttcheeks.
I heard him spit a few times at my butt. The slime hit straight at my asshole. A searing pain soon followed. I felt like I was ripped apart. The pain was worse than anything I have ever felt before, worse than when my mum had caned me, worse than when I scrapped my knees on the Tarmac when I was young, worse than the pain of my deflowering. It was so bad that I thought I would pass out. The pain didn't ease at all. Instead it grew worse in intensity.

It felt like eternity. But when it was finally over, I glanced at the computer screen which was still lit up. 2.12 am was the time. And I saw Wayne msn message icon jump up and down. Done with his handiwork, Uncle Ted dumped me unceremoniously on the floor. I felt wetness on the floor and didn't bother with it. Crawled over to my bed and hoisted myself up into a semi sitting position despite the searing pain in my lower body, and groped the mattress for my bag. Fumbling with the clasp, I reached for my mobile and dialed quick dial 1. That was Wayne. Half sobbing and half breathless, all I could mutter incoherently to Wayne was "...help me it hurts uncle Ted did it.." before I passed out into darkness..

* To be continued

OMG what a tragedy.. my heart goes out to you

[thevilone]

my condolences..

[Lakland]

It's very different when the sex is between two willing people, and when it is against your will.

It really sucks to hear a true account of rape. It's sickening. It's vile. It's disgusting.

It's one thing to do a rape role-play, because both are just acting, but willing. It's quite another to actually be raped for real, especially by someone who was supposed to be your protector.

I can only hope that once you have resolved your problems, that you can escape this episode and reconcile with yourself.

We don't have control over what happens to us sometimes, but we have control over how we choose to respond and how we choose to move on.

All the best to you.

[TeresaTeng]

It's very different when the sex is between two willing people, and when it is against your will.

It really sucks to hear a true account of rape. It's sickening. It's vile. It's disgusting.

It's one thing to do a rape role-play, because both are just acting, but willing. It's quite another to actually be raped for real, especially by someone who was supposed to be your protector.

I can only hope that once you have resolved your problems, that you can escape this episode and reconcile with yourself.

We don't have control over what happens to us sometimes, but we have control over how we choose to respond and how we choose to move on.

All the best to you.

Well said bro!!

[Lenghtyshot]

camping for more..

[Clarissac2016]

White orbs and the white ceiling.

That was what my eyes glimpsed when my eyes tried to flutter open.
I remember thinking, I must be in heaven.
A faint beeping sound came from somewhere near me. There was also another sound that resembles what we hear when we try to ignite an engine but without the sputtering...it was just a sort of hissy airy sound that starts and then stops and starts and then stops.

I couldn't move...my limbs and arms felt so heavy. I thought I could feel my toes but I cannot be sure. Tried moving but from somewhere, there was an ache each time I tried moving.
My throat felt strange like it was enlarged...my mouth was dry, devoid of any saliva. Something was taped to my face but I didn't know what. Just felt unwieldy and stiff.

As my eyes slowly focused, realised those white orbs were actually ceiling lights.
Soon I was moving my eyes only, with the rest of my body immobilised. I looked as far as my eyes would see to the left and to the right. I glimpsed an iv on my left hand and a rubber clip softly clamping one of my fingers. Gradually, I became more aware of sensations and sounds in the room. Could hear the water droplets from a loose tap hitting the sink or the floor nearby..know by now the strange beeping sound came from a machine nearby me.
My entire body felt sore and achy...I feel like closing my eyes again. Fought the urge to sleep and willed myself to move and lift my right hand.
Raising a little and it fell back. The exertion seems too much.

A figure..appeared next to me and called my name. Managed an "um". But I have so many questions to ask. But it was too much effort to will myself to talk. With the opioids running intravenously through the iv tap, I felt achy and dizzy when I moved my head.
Vaguely heard the figure call for the doctor. Surrounded by figures in white, and interspersed with a few other figures in other colours, my eyelids fell shut once more.

Was woken up by the sound of my mum's voice. She was calling me.i felt the warmth of hands rubbing my cold limp fingers.... As I opened my eyes again, I saw my mum. Have so much to tell her but I couldn't talk.
"..just rest....ah girl ah..." And then I heard sobbing and sniffing. I heard another voice, my dad. He just kept repeating that I'm safe now.. Fell asleep once more.

[Clarissac2016]

Over the next few days, as I slowly recovered and healed, I was moved out from the ICU and into a step down ICU care ward. Probably equivalent to the HDU (High dependancy ward in Singapore), the doctor would also eventually remove the ventilator on the 5th or was it the 6th day. And I would learn that I had undergone emergency surgery for a colonic perforation. Up till this point, I had not seen my own reflection in the mirror. The first time the doctor removed the ventilator, I breathed out as per their instructions but still my gag reflexes kinda kicked in although the entire removal process was quite fast. I was encouraged to breathe and the medical staff monitored a series of my health stats and appeared to be satisfied. Wayne and my mum was at my side when I requested for a mirror. I had heard snippets of conversation between the nursing staff and my family during my waking moments when they thought I was asleep. Wayne turned to my mum and exchanged a look. My mum fished out her pocket mirror and hesitated for a second before placing it in my hands. Almost couldn't recognise the face staring back at me. I had a horrifically swollen bruise the size of a discus on the side of my forehead, the circumference of it ended near where the cheekbones started. My face was gaunt and pale, some abrasions on my chin and lips. I wasn't the slim and slender type to begin with, but I didn't know my face was capable of showcasing so little "meat". I could see clearly the hollow of my cheeks. If the situation wasn't so horrid, i would have whooped for joy at the achievement of a less cherubic face with more defined features.

As if the silence in the room was too deafening, Wayne started telling me, that I was in such bad shape when I arrived in hospital. They hadn't seen me and had based it on what the staff had described. That the bastard was overdosed on some sleeping pills in the living hall when police broke in. And that's when they found my body on the floor, half obscured by the mammoth bed frame. Think the Singapore consulate was notified as well because someone rang my parents up.
Wayne had alerted my parents immediately after I went unresponsive on the phone. My parents tried ringing Uncle Ted to no avail. Wayne had to request for help from a friend of another friend of his colleague who is living in Washington, to assist and see if they could send the police to the apartment to locate me.
All in all, my private limited command of hokkien only allowed me to use "sibei drama" to describe the whole incident.
The police sent a female representative of the force to take my statements. Over and over, I had to relieve the nightmare for them. Side track a little bit, but I'm amazed at the law enforcement personnel there. For 1 thing, their state troopers and their police force personnel a were all of a larger stature in size. They looked more forbidding and fiercer if I may say. And looked thoroughly capable of head slamming anyone who would try to do anything funny. It is totally different from our local police officers in uniform. I mean no disrespect to any samsters who are in law enforcement but it was just that aura the American ones had. They have that 'don't-mess-with-me' aura which is probably because of size and height at the end of the day. Whereas more often than not, i encountered singapore's uniformed police officers who were either scrawny lanky or who were growing sideways and shorter than my height of 1.66m. Hardly awe inspiring but I guess whatever works in Singapore.

Back to where I was at, learnt that the perpetrator was taken into custody ( and subsequently incarcerated under Class a or b felony). He would probably be eligible for parole by now or soon though I'm not sure, since we didn't hear from the authorities there. He was also suspected of assault or was it spousal battery but which was dropped against him as his ex wife refused to give a statement. It all made a little more sense now.

As I finally grew in strength and added more "padding" to my frame, my final year exams were coming. My parents were conflicted as whether to get me home and retake the finals some time later when I'm better, or to allow me to stay on in US. My father felt extremely guilty that he indirectly caused the incident by entrusting me to someone he had misguided trust in. This guilt led him to be extremely protective of me during the remaining stay in US and initially during my first few months in Singapore. In the end, he relented and the arrangement was that my mum would stay behind with me and we would take the first flight out immediately after my finals.

Given that most of my lecture notes and my materials were still at the house, I had to borrow notes and all from my school peers. No one really knew what happened. Even my closest school mate cum friend thought I had chicken pox or some illness.
My finals came and went without much hoo ha. Prior to returning to Singapore, I told my mum I wanted to make a trip down "memory lane". Needed a closure and to face the demons that has been plaguing me. Needless to say, she was reluctant but I felt that facing up to what has happened, would be better rather than everyone pretending the incident didn't happen and which made me also pretend to my loved ones i was fine. My parents accompanied me; Wayne had flown back home as there were only so long that he could be absent from work. The apartment was cordoned off with police tape. We didn't enter the apartment but I could see from the door the disarray of the living area and a partial view of the corridor leading to the bedrooms.. My parents were patient. I must have stood there in silence for minutes, contemplating what happened that night. There wasn't any answers to be found but instead I felt deep down the blessedness of the whole situation. The saving grace of it all was that I survived. And that was all that matters. A perceptible nod from me to my dad, and we wordlessly turned and departed from that place.

[simply2323]

Hope that bastard goes to jail and gets the treatment he deserves from his cellmates. Nothing can be worse than not only did he betrayed the trust that was bestowed upon him to look after you (a young "niece"), but to be the 'monster' that could have kill or ruin your life.

My heart really goes to the pain (both physically and emotionally) suffered by you. Wayne was also a little monster but he changed. That shit rapist will never changes.

[norigo77]

*Breathless* :eek:

[Clarissac2016]

My graduation came and went. Results were shabby but to be expected. Probably would have or might have gotten first class but I was just contented not to flunk and be able to graduate given the past. Where most of my peers were exuberant and displaying such joy and idealism at the event, I felt a tinge of sadness and realism. Knowing that my view of the world had changed.
Upon my return to Singapore, i was looking forward to a new beginning. I spent some time searching for a job and finally landed one in a good company. Upon successful completion of probation, and determined to put my past behind me, I invested my time and effort into work. The harder I worked, the harder I played. It was as if I was trying to compensate for the incident in US.

Wayne soon proposed. By then, we or rather I felt secure and sure enough of our relationship, to bring it to another level. My parents especially my mum, were needless to say, elated. For my mum's greatest fear, and I reckon, most Chinese mums, were that their daughters would become spinsters, left on the shelf to grow old in mould. His parents on the other hand looked happy but his Mum didn't seem over the moon like my mum. The first few times I met Wayne's mum, she was polite and welcoming. On my 3rd visit, she enquired about my Chinese zodiac sign and upon hearing the word "Rat", she didn't seem particularly enamoured with my reply. Wayne who was seated beside me at that very first dinner that evening a long time ago, didn't appear to take notice of this exchange. I did ask Wayne in private about this, fearing that she wouldn't like me because of this. Wayne did let on that his mum had always felt that someone born in the year of the dragon was best suited to be with her son and to ensure good fortune and harmony at home. Wayne's mum zodiac was monkey and his dad was born in the year of the sheep. As such, having a potential daughter-in-law who was a rat zodiac, probably isn't a good idea. Don't ask me how the zodiacs work, that is not my field of study. Anyway, I was worried but Wayne brushed it off, believing that it doesn't matter.

Wayne's mum didn't approve of girls sleeping over at a man's house before they were married. My mum thought the same as well. Since young, that was what my mum always said. Her theory was that which man and which future in laws would respect you, for no decent woman would do that. My youth, Wayne's youth and of cos being wildly in love, made me plead with my mum to stay over the first time. Of course, with every first time, there would be a second and a third and so on..

[Clarissac2016]

After that very first formal dinner with his parents, I knew his mum didn't like me much but it wasn't evident when Wayne was around. Wayne's Father on the other hand was cold and aloof, a man of few words. Being the only child, his parents focused all their attention on him since young. On him were the hopes that he would accomplish great things and fulfil their dreams for him and that included netting a partner who would be the ideal zodiac.
I would typically stay over at his place on fridays. On occasions when Wayne had to rush to office on a Saturday to tie up some loose ends at work for the upcoming week, I often stayed at his home waiting for him to return. While waiting, I would follow his mum and the Filipino helper to the market for groceries and fresh produce. Often, I would help to carry some of the items. It was hard work for me. And usually upon our return back at their residence, his mum would ask me to help the Filipino helper to chop garlic and whatever stuff needed to be prepared, for lunch. Occasionally, she would ask me to help hang the wet laundry as well. I did all these willingly, believing that it was the only way I could show her I was good enough and would be able to take care of Wayne as a wife.

The wedding date was set for when I would turn 24 or 25 that year near my birthdate. We had a year to prepare for the wedding. During this period, I was exhausted every day. On weekdays, I devoted my energies to work, determined to net a promotion and the accompanying increment.
On weekends, I would be hanging out with Wayne, sorting out wedding stuff. My fondest memory was when we went shopping for wedding gowns. Often, I would zoom in on something less flashy and more demure. If the gown had sleeves to cover my fat arms, that would be the first one I go for. If the gown had a A line skirt to hide my fat hips and butt, I would totally swoon over it. If the gown had a boatneck neckline to hide the boobs from sight, that would be the first gown I point to.

But Wayne had different ideas. And this was where the selection of the gowns took the longest for us to decide. Where I wanted to cover up and blend into the background, he wanted a dress that showed my shoulders and décolletage, and a hip skimming skirt that hugged my butt.
Apparently all the parts I disliked, he loved them all. And that was what he said. And I used to roll my eyes at this and go whatever... And we would both laugh. We eventually settled on an off shoulder dress with tiny delicate lace short sleeves

[Clarissac2016]

I wasn't sure if it was because I was hard at work and he got busy with more responsibilities that came with the turf since he got promoted, that we spent less time together. It was around this time when he decided to sell his old car and opted to purchase a new European brand luxury make. I know both of us were making good money, especially him. I knew he liked the finer things in life. But I still felt it was an awful lot to pay for something that depreciates in value every year. I chose to let him be. For if he is happy, I am happy.
Over time, on weekdays he would be very busy. Where before we used to make it a point to meet for lunches in the cbd at least twice a week or call each other every night, it now dwindled to at most a lunch in a single week. 2 working days would pass by with a few messages sent in between. Often, he would always say he is busy at work and trying to complete the project at hand. He was never harsh nor irritated with me. And I understand what it was like to try to meet deadlines, having now entered the corporate world.

Other than lesser time spent together, there were no other signs pointing to any issues or problems in the relationship. Wayne did briefly mentioned a female superior of his who delighted in making the lives of her subordinates difficult. It didn't sound like it was out of character of Wayne to say that. And he was just as loving and sweet as he always were. By now, I was frequently staying over at his place on weekends and his desire for love making didn't seem to abate, if anything, it only seemed to increase in intensity. And he developed a habit of answering his calls in another part of the house from where his family and I was located at. He always said that it was too loud and was difficult to talk when his parents and I were chatting away. These were the only odd parts. Given that I'm always so dense, I really thought it was because he was at the age where he was incredibly virile and developed a bigger appetite.

[Clarissac2016]

2 odd months? Or was it 3 months...I can't remember.. Together with his mum, we were drawing up the guests list and seating arrangements. He got increasingly frustrated as the evening progressed with her requests to invite more folks. It was like we couldn't invite person A without inviting Person B and C. I knew his mum wasn't fully satisfied with having me as a future spouse, so I wasn't surprised when she brought up the fact that segregation is very important and so, out of 2 VIP tables, 1 would be for the bride's family and the other for the groom's family and where the newlyweds shall be seated at as well. As this wasn't what Wayne had planned, he tried explaining that there is no need for segregation. His plan thus far was absolutely fair in that the newlyweds would be seated at 1 of the table along with parents from both sides and another 1 more family member from each side. The other VIP table would be equally shared in the same way.

When his mum disagreed, and rebuked Wayne for going against her wishes and forgetting the hand that brought him up, Wayne burst and stormed out to the garden. I sat there meekly, unsure of what I should say. His mother glared at me and said, "look at the 'good stuff' you have done."loaded with full sarcasm.
stayed quiet for a few seconds, seemingly gathering her thoughts. The next, she strode out to the garden and I guessed, probably talking to Wayne. They both looked none the worse for tear when they came back to the living hall. And we soon concluded the guests list. The invites were set to be sent out the following week, providing guests, ample time to rsvp.


I will always remember ...the week leading up to Good Friday.

I spoke to Wayne on Sunday night and we talked as usual. In the midst of it, he had asked me if I have ever thought of any regrets I might have by marrying him. I said no, none at all. He next asked me why I am so sure. I said, " because I love you and i trust and believe that you are a good man with a good heart. what is there to regret when you were with me through the darkest period"
Wayne paused. And I asked him why. "..nothing. Just wanted to know how much you love me. "
We soon ended the conversation and went to bed.

I had taken annual leave for the 4 days before Good Friday to run errands for the upcoming nuptials, meet with the hair and makeup artist to try out some new looks etc etc.
At 7am, I texted Wayne a chirpy "Good morning! Rise and shine! Love u"
And slowly walked to the pilates studio for a morning class on the reformer.

*the Reformer is a piece of pilates equipment, with a series of pulleys and springs to provide resistance while performing a certain action based on pilates theology of strengthening the core.

At 8.30am when my pilates class ended, I took a quick glance at my mobile. Saw 2 missed calls from Wayne. And a short message from him.
"call me, need to talk to you."

I dialled his number. It got through. But Wayne didn't pick up.
Anal as I am, eager to rinse off the perspiration and change into clean clothes, I texted Wayne.
"baby, can't reach you. Didn't pick up. Let me grab a super quick shower and I'll call you asap love u!"

Finished my shower in a jiffy. Changed into clean smelling clothes. It felt so good. As I stepped out of the pilates studio, I suddenly remembered that I was supposed to give Wayne a call.

Picked up my mobile. Spilt second prior to unlocking the iphone, I thought I saw the word "break" flash past my eyes in the preview. I took no notice of it.
Saw a missed call from a private number. Nah, I couldn't be bothered who it may be. Most of the people I cared about, don't use private numbers anyway.
I dialled Wayne's number again. Again the call got through and rang and rang. Eventually I hung up. When I called again, the line couldn't get through. Finding it really strange, I decided I was gonna walk home first and grab the car. Simultaneously, my thumb had automatically touched the Message icon and it was then I saw it.

"I can't go through with the wedding. my mum knows what happened to you in US.
She has a weak heart, I can't do this to her. I don't want to live a life of regrets. Call me a coward call me any names you want..
you need to know something as well; there is someone else but she is not the reason behind this decision. I'm sorry. Deeply sorry. If you love me, let me go. Take good care of yourself. Don't try to find me."


* TBC

[hakone]

Thank you for sharing your experience. Hope you are living a decent life now.

[Pulse]

i can only say thank you for sharing.

[Clarissac2016]

I'll break away from the part where my fiancé dumped me when invites to the wedding was sent. And pause a little. I'll continue the story soon. While
It is a relief to pour into writings what has happened; the reverse is also true. Extremely exhausting on me emotionally because it's been 7, 8 years and I never did receive a closure for that. Even my own parents are not 100% aware of my thoughts of what I did during this period. Even for myself, recalling this part of my life after he left is also difficult because i have at best a hazy memory of what happened. Will probably continue tomorrow prior to starting "work" in the afternoon.


The compelling reason for me to write was to put into words how I felt about stepping into the field of FL.

Everyone has their reasons for stepping into this line. I'm no exception.
Prior to stepping into the line of FL, i did some reading of the threads as a guest. Each time, when I made up my mind, I would invariably read the sticky on rules for whoremongers under Matters of the Heart.
I would always read the first 3 pages and could read no further. I would then reconsider and think ok maybe another day..and another day...and another day.. For what was shared in the sticky is true. It's the right advice. And the samsters weren't wrong.

Reading it objectively, I know that would be something I would say to a friend as well.

In the end, I still stepped into the FL world.
I debuted last Wednesday. That was my first afternoon of paid sex.
That day, I woke up in the morning and headed for the part time job.
On the way to work, i visited that page again. I was considering telling Natsuki, maybe not. I stopped myself for it is not right to keep wavering. The mandarin saying ”万事起头难”. The start is always the most difficult. I hardened my heart and soldiered on. After the part time job in the morning, I had a small window of time to grab a quick lunch. But i honestly didn't have the appetite. Ate nothing. A cold drink was all I had. And I read the sticky again. This time round, I shed a few tears as I sat alone at the cofeeshop. Read the sticky and the words stuck. I can't remember the exact wording. But what it was saying was that whores are whores, regardless of whether they are WLs, FLs, ktv hostesses, massage palour chicks etc...whores are meant for f-king...whores are not meant to be wives nor girlfriends..." Those words struck me. Simply because all it meant to me was that a whore was all I am the minute I entered the hotel room later.
I swallowed my tears and headed for the specific hotel.

Prior to the arrival of the first client, I was jittery. I was anxious. Butterflies were in my stomach. I had bought along lavender essential oil to calm my nerves but it didn't seem to do much good. In hokkien, I was like a kan cheong spider.

I didn't know what to do. For goodness sake, I didn't even know how to put on a condom. Had to seek help from Natsuki and she guided me via explaining what side I should ensure faces me so that it rolls down and pinch the tiny protruding rubber tip to ensure air pockets are pressed out, before rolling down.

Prior to the first client's arrival, I had enquiried what else is to be done. What is catbath? Do we clean the client? Do we shower him from head to toe? What should we look out for etc etc..what should I say..

It's akin to the standard corporate sales process.
Building rapport --> make small talk with the client.
fact find--> look out for boils or any strange skin phenomenon when showering together
Multiple Yes questions--> foreplay
Going for the close--> eventual intercourse or ejaculation

My first client was a newbie to FLs. And I am new. Some one had booked me as a surprise for him. I wasn't sure what to do and we took a long time making small talk. Surprisingly he disrobed first. I was kind of taken aback but I bit my lips and followed suit. Followed him into the shower cubicle and I proceeded to shower him like what I would do, had he been my ex. Just pretended he was and it made things a lot easier. Only thing that stopped me in my tracks was when my hands touched the genitals. I wasn't squeamish but felt awkward. I quickly returned to massage his neck and shoulder.

As we both dried ourselves with the towels, headed to the bed. I remember kneeling between his legs, willing with my mind to make him erect. Stupid right? Just didn't know how to react. My mind was a blank. I held on to the condom sachet and the next sentence he said made me smile a little. " erect then can put on condom la.." I felt a little foolish as well.

And I proceeded to do whatever I could to make his manhood stand. Was so stressed out at that point, thinking I'm so dead I'm so dead...
I Almost gave a shout for joy, when I saw it coming to life.

This client was very kind or maybe he wanted to cut short the pain of having to bonk a clueless noob. I'm not sure if he was attracted or turned on by me. I'm that dense. Maybe he wasn't, which explains his physical reaction.
As I said, he was very kind. He was the one who rolled the condom and put it on himself.

I climbed onto him and slowly inserted his erect member into me. It felt star felt snug inside and I proceeded to ride him. Midway, he stopped me and wanted to rotate around and do missionary. I'm clumsy by nature. A klutz at best.
Rotating was awkward but he soon for on top of me and started pounding away.
Soon he came.
Didn't even know that. I actually asked what's wrong? Why did you stop? "Came already la." At this juncture, I felt like slapping my forehead and go "alamak, ah doi". But I also felt like crying. This is like what guy friends has said before;, cover the face and f the base.

We proceeded to the bathroom to wash up.
He put on his clothes as swift as the speed he disrobed.

He handed a wad of cash. Inexperienced me didn't count. Not that he didn't pay the right amount. Just that it was a risk that FLs take on. Someone could effectively bonk you and not have the money to pay.
I didn't check, because I have been brought up with the notion that it was impolite to count cash in front of someone or to watch someone take out cash from his wallet.
Swiftly he departed.

And that's when it hit me.
The relief of the departure of the first client. And the sadness that overwhelms. I was officially an FL.
It's a very wretched feeling to say the least.

I shared with 1 of the clients that, working as a FL will eventually make you a broken person.
Why, you may ask.
Because for the subsequent clients I serviced that day, I put in my heart into doing it with them. I can't play act. I can't pretend. I just don't have the ability to. Yet. Perhaps.

As such, every client departs from the room, taking with them a small part of you. A part no matter how tiny, can never be recovered. And that in itself renders you a broken person, a broken soul.

Eventually I guess I will reach the point where there is no more parts left in you. And perhaps that is the day one becomes numb to it all.

[Sooner]

Wow. . . Interesting stories

[Rickey]

Saw a missed call from a private number. Nah, I couldn't be bothered who it may be. Most of the people I cared about, don't use private numbers anyway.
I dialled Wayne's number again. Again the call got through and rang and rang. Eventually I hung up. When I called again, the line couldn't get through. Finding it really strange, I decided I was gonna walk home first and grab the car. Simultaneously, my thumb had automatically touched the Message icon and it was then I saw it.

"I can't go through with the wedding. my mum knows what happened to you in US.
She has a weak heart, I can't do this to her. I don't want to live a life of regrets. Call me a coward call me any names you want..
you need to know something as well; there is someone else but she is not the reason behind this decision. I'm sorry. Deeply sorry. If you love me, let me go. Take good care of yourself. Don't try to find me."

* TBC
Quite a sad story to read thus far...from Page 1 to latest...wif some tinges of sadness in certain parts...but interspersed wif a session of enjoyable pre-marital sex so sensually described by the babe ! ;)...to the beastly rape committed on her later on by Uncle Ted a supposedly trusted guardian :mad:...

T.Q. dearie for taking so much time & effort to write & share wif us such a lengthy account of yr not-so-happy life experiences in the States as well as back home :)...but wow !..my compliments for writing in such good english !! :D...

a typical experience of sorts...certain parts of which some of us may be able to identify wif...yes, sis, it really is true...i read some parts wif eyes brimming wif tears for you...

Gosh, i just missed the latest post of the sis...shall read it now wif a lot of anticipation !

[fawx]

jia you sis! :):):)

let bygones be bygones.

[Rickey]

I'll break away from the part where my fiancé dumped me when invites to the wedding was sent. And pause a little. I'll continue that story soon.

The compelling reason for me to write was to put into words how I felt about stepping into the field of FL.

It's akin to the standard corporate sales process.
Building rapport --> make small talk with the client.
fact find--> look out for boils or any strange skin phenomenon when showering together
Multiple Yes questions--> foreplay
Going for the close--> eventual intercourse or ejaculation

As such, every client departs from the room, taking with them a small part of you. A part no matter how tiny, can never be recovered. And that in itself renders you a broken person, a broken soul.

Eventually I guess I will reach the point where there is no more parts left in you. And perhaps that is the day one becomes numb to it all.
Oh god !!...so sad :(...i feel for you sis !..& my heart breaks for you too !...why has it got to come to tis in yr case, sis ? :confused:

[Summerhillt]

Wa sis! Jia you!! All the best in whatever choice you've made. Be it FL or whatever part time job you chose. Natsuki is really a nice girl. I had her once, really chatty and friendly girl. Glad that she was the so called "mentor" for you. At least the start won't be that tough with natsuki guide along.

Anyway, I think what you say is true. Since young , I have always been taught not to anyhow have sex with a girl. How much 创伤 it will cause her when penetrating her.

I guess what you say is true bah, the first few customers are definitely the hardest. You will eventually wise up in this trade, immune to all the funny 101 patterns man will shower or talk to you.

Your character will change, your lifestyle will change cause money comes easy eventually. I've seen so many his whom went into the flesh trade and couldnt get out. It's too fucking easy the money.

But I've seen some hit their target and really 金盆洗手. It all ultimately depends on you. Thanks for the great posts! Hope to see more of it. But wow wtf uncle Ted did really destroyed u..

Was he to blame? The alcohol definitely fueled up his lust and he had a bad temper and violent tendencies since he beat his ex wife. Sigh, really hard to get through it. Your really a strong girl! But wow wtf, how did Wayne's mother knew about the things in USA?

[goo_ey]

Oh god !!

Bro, returned 12 goo_ey:D

[Chosen]

Very well written

[Allistto]

Camping now. . .

[Alexxander]

Came in here for a erotica but intrigued by the torment and darkness of the story... :mad:

[Caging]

Came in here for a erotica but intrigued by the torment and darkness of the story... :mad:

Thats the twist bro ;)

[alexmason86]

hi sis. sad to hear ur story. not meant to be jerk. think you should have save enough money in this line to pay off your debt and call it a stop right?

you should able to find a decent job and quit FL. don't tell your future hubby your a FL and just get marry ?

[TBonez]

I don't normally read on "stories" or "accounts" because I feel that they're just posts to generate points and powers (no offense guys).

But this thread has got me hooked and heart aching at the same time. Sorry for all the things you went/ are going through.

[Clarissac2016]

hi sis. sad to hear ur story. not meant to be jerk. think you should have save enough money in this line to pay off your debt and call it a stop right?

you should able to find a decent job and quit FL. don't tell your future hubby your a FL and just get marry ?

Never thought of you as a jerk.
In life there are a lot of "should have", "could have" but it often doesn't turn out the way you want, despite our best intentions.

For eg. I could have become a lawyer or a doctor but boh pian my parents stay in a 3 room flat and my grades are shit. Or I should have married that hot chick I used to bonk in poly; dunno why I chose to marry the sullen money minded wife. Etc etc

As for saving enough money in this line, I debuted last Wednesday.
The last I checked, I don't think I charge $5k for an hour.
Had that been the case, by the end of this week or the next, I would personally make time out to meet each of the client that has helped me raise the funds, and buy them a coffee and express my gratitude.

Leaving this line is still a dream at the moment. But thanks for providing this uplifting moment. Even the mere thought of the day I finally stepped out of this line, makes me smile a little

[Clarissac2016]

Came in here for a erotica but intrigued by the torment and darkness of the story... :mad:

Alexander means protector of men. Reminds me of Alexander the Great, whose military tactics and maneuvers are still being taught these days.
Sorry for digressing.

Sorry for disappointing you; my writings pale in comparison to the erotica genre that are usually posted. For such a forum, I have sought to avoid the usage of some depressive words. Only wrote down what has happened and I have yet to master presentation of the story in black humor.

Debuting last Wednesday as a FL was what propelled me to write. I've always preferred comedies over sad stories. And so I wrongly assumed that people would be turned off and not read this thread.

For those to whom I caused irreparable damage psychologically or depressed you guys, I'm very sorry. Didn't meant to. And please for the frequent FL visitors, please don't let what I write stop you from visiting a local FL.

Like what the header on the FL Dome Local- support local enterprise please :)
Each FL has their own story but just 1 point to note when visiting a FL or anyone in the industry, is to follow what the sticky on rules for whore mongers state.

[simply2323]

Many would give advice and such, but no one will ever fully understand your decision or events that 'forces' you to choose the path you are now on. As you just started, it is understandable it will take a while to accumulate the $25k-50k nest that you hope can liberate you from this field. However, please be forewarned that we are all creatures of habit. After certain period or routine, we might be reluctant to let go with all kinds of justifications. I truly hope you have the strength to let go when the time comes.

[Clarissac2016]

I don't normally read on "stories" or "accounts" because I feel that they're just posts to generate points and powers (no offense guys).

But this thread has got me hooked and heart aching at the same time. Sorry for all the things you went/ are going through.

Thank you. Don't be sorry. It's just something that I have to go through.
Everyone, even you would have your fair share of hardship and pain as well.

[haiz28]

Hi Clarissac

Sorry to hear about your mishap. Wish you all the best and 早点脱离苦海 as you are such a sensible and lovely gal and should not be suffering all these. 加油!!!

[smoky7]

A very sad story sis, I believe things will take a turn for the better eventually. You just have to stay strong. Good luck to you

[xrage]

thanks for sharing your experiences sis. It must be traumatizing to relive the darkest moments of your life, I know it.

It wrenches my heart to read your story. Regardless of the stickys, we know that an FL is also - a real person. and you most certainly have your own stories and feelings too.

I wish for you to get out soon, and hope that thought will help you get there soon.

[Summerhillt]

Thank you. Don't be sorry. It's just something that I have to go through.
Everyone, even you would have your fair share of hardship and pain as well.

Yep, its just how we perceive things to be in the end!

[thirsty]

Sorry to hear about your plight. My sympathy to you.

Before I continue, I would like to say that I am not here to open up your wound nor being as asshole. If anyone wan to zap me, or think I am a muthafucka, juz go ahead.

Your story stopped halfway at the time you visited the crime scene. I am actually curious to know what really transpires in Ted's brain that causes him to commit the crime. Seems that what he did was like spur of the moment thing, of coz with the help of alcohol. But, could he have been like planning this for a long time? Or did you notice anything strange in his behaviour leading to the crime, perhaps after your bf went back S'pore. Something must have triggered him to commit the crime, beside you having a slight resemble of his ex.

Also, was wondering did you have the chance to cross-examine him in his trial? Of coz, I think this is quite unlikely given the emotion state that you will be put through facing him.

I sincerely apologise for the long post, and pls ignore me if this post is too much to take.

Cheers

[TempLust]

Just write what you wanna write. You seek solace from the writing as an outlet. How others read into it shld be the least of your concerns. There's nothing to redeem from any of the replies be it positive or negative, inclusive of mine.

I just believe that what don't break us only make us stronger.

[tarma69]

Excellent write up... you should find a publisher to publish into a book, sis! ;)

[Clarissac2016]

The morning sun.
The morning peak hour traffic.
The hustle and bustle of pedestrians making their way to work or to the market.
A gaggle of young toddlers led my 2 chaperon childcare teachers, at the nearby playground happy just to be out.

Full of people around me, yet never have I felt so alone.
A solitary figure in white shirt and denim capris with a prada brown leather carryall, standing near the zebra crossing. Countless cars slowed down, and then accelerated. The drivers must have thought to themselves, "Siao char boh" or "stupid! Don't want to cross, stand there for fuvk" and who knows what other thoughts.
I imagine that must be what I looked like, upon seeing the sms.

There was a sinking feeling in the pits of my stomach. I felt nauseous. An urge to throw up what makes me feel that sick, thinking that throwing up could help make the growing pain in my heart go away.
I don't know how long I stood there, with the sun's ray beating down on my bare skin, that never left the house without some sort of sun protection. I was jolted by the ring of my phone, and I answered the call with lightning speed thinking its Wayne. It was my girlfriend, Joy. Called to tell me not to be late for the afternoon tea at shangri-la. I no longer remember what exactly I said. But it must have worried her because she asked if I was fine and that I sounded weird. Should have told her what happened. I didn't. My brain was blank. Like a hard disk that has been cleared of all data. Like a petrol tank that was empty of fuel.

My knees felt weak. Like a robot with no emotion, I finally crossed the zebra crossing and sat on the floor of a nearby hdb block's void deck. A rising sense of panic set in.
I called every known number that belonged or was connected to Wayne.
Calls to his mobile went straight to voicemail. No one picked up call at his residence. His office direct line; thinking I finally hit jackpot when his voice came on. It was a recorded message that says he will be away from office and to look for a particular colleague if assistance is required.

In desperation, I called his best friend, Daniel. Still reluctant to face the truth or to tell it as it is, when Daniel answered the call, I felt a momentary sense of relief. I asked if he knew where Wayne was. He was puzzled as to why I would ask him. And enquired if anything was wrong. I said nothing and said, "ohh I can't get him, thought he is with you"

When he said no, my heart sunk again. I was at a dead end. The stabbing pain in my heart grew. I ignored it and thought to myself that it must be a joke or perhaps he is planning to surprise me at my house.

Like a crazed woman, I found new meaning at that instant. And was optimistic that he would be at my place. I hurried home, unlocked the door, flung it open. Only to be greeted with silence. No one was at home.
That was when I crumpled onto the floor. I wanted to cry but no tears came. The stabbing pain in my heart hurt so bad I dug my fingernails into my wrist just to starve off the pain. Distraction. That's what it was.

From this point on, I have at best hazy fuzzy memories of what I did. Don't know if I stayed at home that day or was it for 1 more day. But at this point, no one in my immediate circle of friends nor my parents knew. I vaguely remember fobbing them off with lies that I wasn't well and hid in my bedroom majority of the time. I sobbed and screamed into my pillow, trying to muffle the noise. I still kept calling those numbers of his, hoping to reach him. I stared at my mobile everyday every hour.
I don't remember which day Wayne called. When I saw the number of his residence flash on my iPhone, I answered it and sobbed into the phone, "where are you? What is wrong?" So many questions but so little time to ask. All that greeted me was a "sorry. Do you want to pick up your belongings? It's all packed. I could send them by courier if it's easier. Text me and let me know."

That was it. Call ended just like that. Fresh tears rolled down my face again. Suddenly I shot upright. Found new meaning in life at that second. I know what I needed to do.
Remember changing into a sundress and dashing out of the house. It was mid morning 10 plus am. Wanting to drive but I realized I left my keys at home. Didn't want to waste even a second, I hailed a cab to take me to his place.

I stood at the metal gates for a long time. Rang the buzzer again. The Filipino helper whom I was always chummy with, opened the gates. Eager to know where Wayne was, I asked her the question. She looked away, refused to meet my gaze. Instead she said, "mam, sorry. Your stuff is inside. I bring out for you. "
I wanted to follow her into the house. She refused to let me in. I pleaded and pleaded. Still no. She stepped inside and I thought the door would close on me. But standing in the gap of the barely opened door, Wayne's mother. She stood there with half her body behind the door. Looking at me like I was the most pathetic filthy creature in the whole world, she said "what do you want?"
"Is Wayne in?" "Please..let me see him, I need to talk to him..please"
Over and over I begged her. She stood there resolutely. Perhaps fed up of my antics, she said ,"my son made it clear. He is a decent boy. Told you right at the start he has a great future ahead and he needs a wife who can support him, not hinder him. Our family is not worthy of being in laws with your family. Please take your things and leave. "

As if on cue, the helper unceremoniously dumped 2 big red plastic bags (the kind that folks use in the market for big items like potted plants or bunches of joss paper) filled with my clothes, my guitar which I always practiced on for the church's praise and worship, my golf bag and god knows what else. I cried and knelt on the floor, begging one last time. The wooden door slammed shut with a final slam..

How long I stayed there I don't remember anymore. How I managed to cart all these alone, neither do I know. I do remember walking out of the gate. My heart, strangely, wasn't hurting immensely. Instead a numbness and coldness took its place.

I walked. That I remember. Walked past the houses in that lane. Walked past houses in the next lane. Walked till I could see houses not buildings no more.. Trees..lots of them.
I thought I was crying. I don't know if I was. It was raining. Raindrops pelted my face. I was soaked but I didn't know it then.

I do remember the kind taxi driver who stopped amidst the rain by the road. And through the open window, shouted and asked if I need a ride. How I even got into the cab, I have no idea. The taxi uncle asked, "ok where to.." I didn't know how to talk. I suddenly became mute. I handed him my wallet with the identity card inside. I must have looked like a strange woman to him. He took me home..I alighted and I think I probably paid. I don't know if I thanked him.
*if the taxi uncle is on this forum, and you happen to read this..just wanna say thanks.
I don't know how I carted my belongings into the house. All I remember is going into my bedroom, and lying on the bed, curled up like a fetus and the comforter covering me entirely.

*TBC

[dchar]

we feel for you Claris :(

[Iloveschgirls]

Ouch.. I could relate to that kind of breakup, that the love of your life just when you least expected it decides to leave you and made you feel like you'd never existed. It left me with a huge void in my heart with emptiness that's all left.
Sure, I still get that tinge of melancholy once in awhile and I still yearned for the closure I never got but I came to terms with it as not matter how much I'd grieved would never change the reality. Not sure if you ever did moved on from that but it'll definitely get better over time, no matter how long it takes..

As for your choice to step into the FL industry I can only hope you'll find the strength to do what you gotta do and move on from it when it's all said and done.

Jiayou and good vibes Sis!

[fijiperri]

Pain, the hurt that leaves a mark in our hearts,
Yet at times can be satisfying in a perverse way that we revisit it from time to time,
For without going through the darkest hour,
We would not see the brightest light and appreciate every joy fully,
It makes some of us feel alive,
Pushing us to reach deep into the recesses of our soul,
To the core of our emotions,
The best and worst memories would always etched deeply in us,
We may stumble as we walk along the path of life,
But we would learn to cherish every rainbow and silver lining that comes our way...

[Clarissac2016]

Pain, the hurt that leaves a mark in our hearts,
Yet at times can be satisfying in a perverse way that we revisit it from time to time,
For without going through the darkest hour,
We would not see the brightest light and appreciate every joy fully,
It makes some of us feel alive,
Pushing us to reach deep into the recesses of our soul,
To the core of our emotions,
The best and worst memories would always etched deeply in us,
We may stumble as we walk along the path of life,
But we would learn to cherish every rainbow and silver lining that comes our way...

Nicely done. Very true but unfortunately my heart is like a poem of Sara Teasdale, an Americsn poet in late 19th century to early 20th century. In the poem, she uses the juxtaposition of spring and winter to show that one may appear as happy and bright as spring, but inside feel as cold as ice in winter.


The wind is tossing the lilacs,
The new leaves laugh in the sun,
And the petals fall on the orchard wall,
But for me the spring is done.

Beneath the apple blossoms
I go a wintry way,
For love that smiled in April
Is false to me in May.

[Summerhillt]

I feel damn bad now. I once had a girlfriend. We met overseas, due to work. She's not local, we were together for like a year plus and than cause of work and family committments I knew we could not work out in the end. My mother was against me marrying another person other than a Singaporean. Very similar to Wayne's mother.

I did the pussy thing. I bailed out on her. Changed my handphone, social media. Quit my job, basically everything fresh and anew. I knew she would call my best friend, Phoon. Told Phoon to tell her, I got caught up with the law and got sentenced to jail and ask her not to wait for me.

Phoon relayed that message over when she called. She was at a loss and could be heard sobbing away. Even wanted to come visit me but Phoon told her my instructions were clear, not to wait. Sigh.. hurts me every fucking time i think of it.

[Dreamlander]

New to SB. Your story caught my attention. Sorry to hear what has happened. Hope you be able to move on and find greater joy in life. Isnt there is a saying, what doesnt kills you only make you stronger.

[ANowhereMan]

Dear Clarissac2016,

It is unthinkable for someone to have gone through what you went through. Don't give up. After the storm, comes the rainbow and the sunny sun.
Believe.

Rgds

[Clarissac2016]

http://https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=HaMq2nn5ac0

This song made me cry the first time I heard it. Although it was only released last year or the year before. I received a few pm-s from a few samsters who said they were going through something difficult currently in their lives. And they felt like giving up. Apparently what I wrote showed them there are indeed people worse off than them. I hope whatever I have written helped put things in perspective. There will always be someone worse off than you. And me!

in a way we are fortunate. Isn't it?

[tarma69]

Yes, indeed. I'm counting my blessings every day!

[goo_ey]

Yes, indeed. I'm counting my blessings every day!

Bro, returned 12 goo_ey:D

[UnderControl]

Yes, indeed. I'm counting my blessings every day!

Same here bro ;)

[Megatronzombie]

I really really hate spineless momma's boy bastards like wayne. If he wanna stick to his momma's tits all the time, dun fkin tried to get a gf. Be a fkin man! Sadly there are tons of guys like these. One of my frens just broke off with one such guy coz cant take his full on dependence on his parents. When i said dependence on his parents i dont mean monetary wise. I mean he listens to every dog shit advice that comes out of her over dominant mouth. Learn to think for himself la fkin coward! 😑😑😑😑

Apologies of ive offended anyone here. My mum was an independent lady who allowed me to express my intentions and dreams freely. I never let her down.

[casannova03]

take care sis!

Life is full of ups and downs, hope it'll be upwards for you from hereon.;)

[Clarissac2016]

" I know exactly how that is. To love somebody who doesn’t deserve it. Because they are all you have. Because any attention is better than no attention. For exactly the same reason, it is sometimes satisfying to cut yourself and bleed. On those gray days where eight in the morning looks no different from noon and nothing has happened and nothing is going to happen and you are washing a glass in the sink and it breaks-accidentally-and punctures your skin. And then there is this shocking red, the brightest thing in the day, so vibrant it buzzes, this blood of yours. That is okay sometimes because at least you know you’re alive.."

By Augusten Burroughs, Running with scissors


Starts off like a sharp sting. Like the pain a lancet gives when the nurse pricks your fingertip to get a tiny bit of blood when you had to do your identity card at 12.
As the pain continued, sending signals to your brain to release the hormone, endorphins, the emotional and physical pain dulls.

Then, a trickle of red. Your eyes glimpse it, appearing like a scarlet blob of pen ink that spread on a piece of white paper. Your body release adrenalin, which quicken your heart rate and introduces a burst of glycogen or glucose. It's nature's way of providing you energy when a fight or flee response is triggered by danger. Except in this situation, there was no danger.

By now, the pain has dulled so much, I cut deeper again into the same wound. The blob of red soon flowed a little more.. Mesmerized by the sight of blood saturating and spreading across the bedsheet, I felt myself slipping into a peaceful darkness that envelops every part of me.

My brother was the one who discovered me. The incident affected him deeply, such that for a long time, he didn't talk to me even after I got well. It was also the reason we drifted apart. He just couldn't understand why I couldn't treasure and love myself more even though that person didn't. When I still had my family and him, my brother. He couldn't understand why a normally sensible sister would do that.

He shouted for my parents, who came rushing into the bedroom. He called 911. As I drifted in and out of consciousness, having taken a massive cocktail of dormicum and Valium and I can't remember what else, my dad was trying to shake me awake, dousing my face with cold water. Wanted to tell them I love them and I'm sorry. But the urge to sleep was too strong.

[iloveu4ever]

Dear Girl of Steel - (For you)


I’m not going to take you,
For I cannot have you.
I paid to dig into you,
But I ain’t doing shit to you.

I paid for your time,
And for your legs to be apart,
But I did not buy your heart.
Allow me to guide you to wonderland,
Through one good f**k,
For you shall see stars of ecstasy,
That only occurs in your fantasy.

But don’t worry,
My penis is harmless,
For I swear upon my small head that it will never hurt you,
For all the bruises and pain that you have endured,
Allow me to lick your wounds and down below.

Time will heal,
Some say,
But memories remain.

It is time to move on,
So stay strong,
You can do no wrong.
May the light shine your path,
Whichever direction you may take,
For I know your will to survive will never break.

Yours Truly,
Your two-cock wonder

[UnChoose]

Sigh, behind every smile, lies a tragedy only known to yourself

Agree with you bro :)

[Clarissac2016]

Woke up to the feel of cold metal on my wrist.

The rattling of the metal handcuffs against the bed, brought my parents into the room. There was a police officer there as well.

Apparently if you wanted to die, you needed to make sure you really die.
Zero heartbeat. Zero breathing. More dead that the ant that I just squashed under my shoe. For if by a rare stroke of bad luck, you do survive the suicide attempt, it is punishable with a year's jail or a fine, pursuant to section 309 of the Penal Code.
Though rarely enforced, another key aspect to suicide is that, under the mental health care and treatment act, the authorities technically could send the subject to IMH for a 72 hour chalet stay IF you survive.

They didn't send me there. Simply because IMH lacked medical facilities to render care for medically unstable patients. And because of patient autonomy, authorities are unable to forcibly admit the subject to IMH, unless he or she does not require medical care.
So the gist is, either one really konks out, or somehow make sure that in the event you do survive, your condition definitely requires medical care IF you don't wish to see the insides of an IMH ward.

Anyway, my parents had to sign a release form or something, basically to undertake the responsibility that the subject which is me, would not be doing the same again.

The general view of society, including members of the nursing team for the ward I was, probably felt it was a waste of resources and bed space for someone who didn't treasure her life. After all, out of the 3 nights I spent there, I often heard the junior nurses talk and gossip in guarded whispers. In any case, the medical staff had pumped my stomach to flush out the contents which included a lovely cocktail of drugs. They had also stitched my wrist up.

[Clarissac2016]

14 stitches.

That was the mark I would be branded with for life. And one that I would always spend the rest of my life hiding. Later on, after this episode in my life, the scar always led me to use my right hand to hold utensils, leaving my left hand on my lap. If I took public transport, I would deliberately hold onto the metal bars or the bus railings, with my right hand instead of my left. In social functions, If there leaves me no choice but to deploy the use of my left hand. I would always flex it such that the red angry scars faces the least number of people. It became a habit.

Effectively bi-dexterous, I used to use my left hand to write. With the brand of shame, my dominant hand now became my right.

In a way, that is how life is.
When you lose something, you learn to cope using another existing thing or alternative tool.

*TBC

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[LonerLoner]

I feel damn bad now. I once had a girlfriend. We met overseas, due to work. She's not local, we were together for like a year plus and than cause of work and family committments I knew we could not work out in the end. My mother was against me marrying another person other than a Singaporean. Very similar to Wayne's mother.

I did the pussy thing. I bailed out on her. Changed my handphone, social media. Quit my job, basically everything fresh and anew. I knew she would call my best friend, Phoon. Told Phoon to tell her, I got caught up with the law and got sentenced to jail and ask her not to wait for me.

Phoon relayed that message over when she called. She was at a loss and could be heard sobbing away. Even wanted to come visit me but Phoon told her my instructions were clear, not to wait. Sigh.. hurts me every fucking time i think of it.

At one point, it sound noble to say do not wait for you. I guess getting older and wiser isn't such a good thing. Life is a surprise, which end coming we don't know one. As long as happy and healthy, ok.

I really really hate spineless momma's boy bastards like wayne. If he wanna stick to his momma's tits all the time, dun fkin tried to get a gf. Be a fkin man! Sadly there are tons of guys like these. One of my frens just broke off with one such guy coz cant take his full on dependence on his parents. When i said dependence on his parents i dont mean monetary wise. I mean he listens to every dog shit advice that comes out of her over dominant mouth. Learn to think for himself la fkin coward! 😑😑😑😑

Apologies of ive offended anyone here. My mum was an independent lady who allowed me to express my intentions and dreams freely. I never let her down.

Why scold the guy or his mum?

If you become a mum/dad and your son say his future wife got raped with relative/uncle, you would ask your son not to proceed marriage and find another woman already. Shallow selfish but mum/dad want the best for children.

If mindset of anyone is open/fate is good with TS, maybe this whole story wouldn't be written at all today.

[Hantu69]

14 stitches.

That was the mark I would be branded with for life. And one that I would always spend the rest of my life hiding. Later on, after this episode in my life, the scar always led me to use my right hand to hold utensils, leaving my left hand on my lap. If I took public transport, I would deliberately hold onto the metal bars or the bus railings, with my right hand instead of my left. In social functions, If there leaves me no choice but to deploy the use of my left hand. I would always flex it such that the red angry scars faces the least number of people. It became a habit.

Effectively bi-dexterous, I used to use my left hand to write. With the brand of shame, my dominant hand now became my right.

In a way, that is how life is.
When you lose something, you learn to cope using another existing thing or alternative tool.

*TBC


Last para was well said!

[Nato17]

If you become a mum/dad and your son say his future wife got raped with relative/uncle, you would ask your son not to proceed marriage and find another woman already. Shallow selfish but mum/dad want the best for children.

If mindset of anyone is open/fate is good with TS, maybe this whole story wouldn't be written at all today.

This is what makes us Singaporeans so shallow. Your child can fuck around etc and make use of every other pussy but when your son wants to settle down, must marry a virtuous wife? What kind of logic is that? If I am his dad, I would ask him to do the right thing. WTF!

[Fat Fatt]

14 stitches.

That was the mark I would be branded with for life. And one that I would always spend the rest of my life hiding. Later on, after this episode in my life, the scar always led me to use my right hand to hold utensils, leaving my left hand on my lap. If I took public transport, I would deliberately hold onto the metal bars or the bus railings, with my right hand instead of my left. In social functions, If there leaves me no choice but to deploy the use of my left hand. I would always flex it such that the red angry scars faces the least number of people. It became a habit.

Effectively bi-dexterous, I used to use my left hand to write. With the brand of shame, my dominant hand now became my right.

In a way, that is how life is.
When you lose something, you learn to cope using another existing thing or alternative tool.

*TBC
Really feel sad to read your story.

I believe that once you are ready to share your life story, you have half walked out of your shadow and the dark self-pity and inner painful stage.
If not, I really hope you do and move on.

Life is precious not only for yourself but for your family and even others. Many people has gone through worse and still find their way to live.

Find a direction and open up your mind. Work towards a real target (usually in the early stage will be to make a lot of money) then as time heals, you have some savings to tide you, be it to live a new life or do something different, or help others in charity or serve a religion ....

[ControlMe]

Yes, indeed. I'm counting my blessings every day!

Agree with you bro :)

[WhySerious]

This is a very interesting perspective, hmm

[Kagami-]

Words of wisdom fromy kung fu panda

"Your story may not have such a happy beginning.but that doesn't make who you are. It is the rest of the story who you choose to be". -Soothsayer to Po in kung fu panda 2

[Kaiser1000]

Sad to hear about your story. Old lurker account here bouncing around. All I can say is : If you're at the bottom, the only way now is Up.

Nothing wrong with being an FL, it's just another way to earn money when you need to. Hang in there.

[Latte91]

Damn..... and i thought some life cant get any worst..... i cant even...

[xrage]

the fact that you are able to write this and re-live some of the horrid moments shows that you are facing your demons. The first step to overcome any problem is to first acknowledge it - and you are doing it splendidly. I am sure you will come out much better and stronger. You are already doing something about it - gaining some peace and sanity by letting it out in writing, this forum is really good for that. And being an FL to recover financially. kudos sis.

[BTech]

Just wondering, why r ppl here so free to write comments?
TS uses this as a journal and not asking for advice etc so y are ppl pouring out sympathy?

Just wondering out loud that's all.

[Megatronzombie]

Why scold the guy or his mum?

If you become a mum/dad and your son say his future wife got raped with relative/uncle, you would ask your son not to proceed marriage and find another woman already. Shallow selfish but mum/dad want the best for children.

If mindset of anyone is open/fate is good with TS, maybe this whole story wouldn't be written at all today.

Are you serious with this?? You actually think the girl WANTED to be raped or that its a choice?? Getting raped can happen to any girls whether she brought it on herself or not. It does NOT describe her character. As a father i will definitely NOT Forbid my son marrying someone who got raped before if the circumstances are such that she cant control the situation. A girl is judged by her character, actions and choices in life NOT by unfortunate unwanted incidents that happened to her. Pls grow up.

[Bret]

Not easy to be an FL, must be able to take it and get f by many guys.

[Dreamlander]

A girl is judged by her character, actions and choices in life NOT by unfortunate unwanted incidents that happened to her.

Totally agreed

[Casing]

Came in here for a erotica but intrigued by the torment and darkness of the story... :mad:

Very normal lah bro

[Clarissac2016]

Guys, Can we please don't argue over this....everyone is entitled to their opinions. And if we look at the points brought forth by each of you gentlemen, I can't say anyone is downright wrong or 100% right.

If I may sum up, each opinion has its own merits.
Our life experiences, societal factors, etc. determines the viewing angle by which we look at every situation.

1. I don't blame Wayne's Mother for wanting the best for her son
It is just what it is. And whom among us has not been selfish or self serving before.

2. None of us has the ability to choose what happens. Someone said to me, "..if shit hits the fan, then so be it. Learn to clean up the mess. No one can foresee when shit hits the fan. Just like we can't foresee when our faeces will travel down the colon to exit the asshole.." Exact words and I LOL-ed at that.

3. And yes, I agree we are judged on the choices we make. And if verbalizing how wretched and broken it leaves me, helps even just 1 person who is contemplating stepping into this line, to know the pain in your soul is crushing every time you turn up for work, and to propel the person to seek other avenues, I think it's worth writing, even if the general public calls me names like a whore or a good for nothing disappointing slut who only knows how to open wide her legs.
And I hope in helping someone albeit even if I'm not aware, it would make me feel better and be a form of consolation.

[haozboiboi]

Sis, you have no idea...

Your post really did the intended thing. I related this story to this lady, and she stopped (idk real or not, or even for how long) working.

Sorry to the brothers who patronize her.

This lady is like TS, too talented and gifted to be in this line.. Haha

[xrage]

Sis, you have no idea...

Your post really did the intended thing. I related this story to this lady, and she stopped (idk real or not, or even for how long) working.

Sorry to the brothers who patronize her.

This lady is like TS, too talented and gifted to be in this line.. Haha

Then this thread is really serving dual good - It helps TS to have her journal and hopefully find some peace after having let out her pent up feelings, and help FL or would-be FLs who have more options in front of them.

either way, it's a good thing.

[Megatronzombie]

Guys, Can we please don't argue over this....everyone is entitled to their opinions. And if we look at the points brought forth by each of you gentlemen, I can't say anyone is downright wrong or 100% right.

If I may sum up, each opinion has its own merits.
Our life experiences, societal factors, etc. determines the viewing angle by which we look at every situation.

1. I don't blame Wayne's Mother for wanting the best for her son
It is just what it is. And whom among us has not been selfish or self serving before.

2. None of us has the ability to choose what happens. Someone said to me, "..if shit hits the fan, then so be it. Learn to clean up the mess. No one can foresee when shit hits the fan. Just like we can't foresee when our faeces will travel down the colon to exit the asshole.." Exact words and I LOL-ed at that.

3. And yes, I agree we are judged on the choices we make. And if verbalizing how wretched and broken it leaves me, helps even just 1 person who is contemplating stepping into this line, to know the pain in your soul is crushing every time you turn up for work, and to propel the person to seek other avenues, I think it's worth writing, even if the general public calls me names like a whore or a good for nothing disappointing slut who only knows how to open wide her legs.
And I hope in helping someone albeit even if I'm not aware, it would make me feel better and be a form of consolation.

Im sorry ;( i keep quiet now.

[bigass]

Continue please

[Macallans]

Continue please

Yes pls do

[Clarissac2016]

The hospital referred me to a government psychiatrist who diagnosed PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and depression, they said the US incident was the main cause but the subsequent break up was the catalyst that finally triggered the suicide attempt. These days, every time I read of some news about US war veterans and their PTSD suffering, it still sends chills down my back. Hearing that term brings with it a sense of deja vu. It is so hard to put into words, the thick darkness that envelops you, and seeps into every ounce of your being and which oppresses every logic and rationale to be happy, and the exact searing pain that cuts you simply because you are still alive. It is as you felt that you should have been dead and deserved to be lying 6 feet under the ground.

In those days, the social stigma of anyone having to visit a psychologist or a psychiatrist for mental health was such that one gets labeled as a nutcase. As such, my parents made sure that other than immediate family, only a handful of close friends were kept in the loop. They were the ones who stood by me and paid me regular visits at home, determined to keep the friendship alive. I am forever grateful to them.
Society these days on the whole have progressed a lot, better equipped and educated on the general topic of mental health. Perhaps in part due to burgeoning numbers in terms of young and working adults afflicted with depression, people do realize that it can strike anyone regardless of class levels, education etc.


In any case, the first visit to the psychiatrist's office allowed me to see multitudes of patients who were obviously suffering inside. Someone said to me before, in hokkien, that "..going to that kind of place, not mad also will become mad.." *direct translation
There were those who sat on the chair waiting, continually fidgeting, shaking their head or mumbling to themselves. I saw those who sat there with tears continually flowing but no heaving or wailing sound. I saw those who sat there with obvious self inflicted cuts on themselves (thighs, legs, hands, palms, wrist etc). And those whose faces resembled an empty canvas, devoid of any writings of painting a. As I sat there waiting for my turn with my mum, I was wondering, am I really bat shit crazy? Would I become like them eventually? What on earth is wrong with me, why do I feel so alone even when there are people around me.? All these and a million thoughts were carousing through my deadened mind like a freight train at full speed.

Eventually came my turn to enter that room. It looks like any clinical office except what was missing were the usual medical apparatus we would frequently see. Clean. Sterile. Tidy. Emotionless. I felt these words sum up that room with the psychiatrist seated within. He was a kindly old gentleman with neat jet black hair and a pair of spectacles perched on his nose. While I was seated, he took a brief glance at my medical file that was on his desk. I don't remember what exactly he asked but I remember crying in his office. I remember being asked a series of questions and having a chat about me and what happened. And him trying to prod deeper and deeper in conversation. Crying in his office became a way to cope with some of the uncomfortable questions.

[Clarissac2016]

He sent me home with a large bag of medicine and said that these medication will help me. For easier understanding, there is a difference in seeing a psychiatrist or a psychologist. While professions deals with emotional and mental health however the distinct difference between the 2 is that a psychiatrist is basically a medically trained doctor with a 3 year residency in the assessment and treatment of mental health disorders. A psychologist on the other hand, does not have the ability to dispense medication as they are usually not medically trained, though if they are, they could dispense some general medicine. A psychologist has a doctoral degree in the human psychology, study of the mind and human behavior. As such, they would also have a degree in clinical or counseling psychology.
So in short, the ones we typically see in movies and tv series, of a patient lying on a couch or seated in a armchair trying to pour out their thoughts with a doctor like figure seated nearby to encourage them to share more--> that is a psychologist we are looking at.
A psychiatrist is more "business" minded, in the sense that based on your answers to their questions, they arrive at a diagnosis. Much like how doctors arrive at the diagnosis of a physical ailment. And it is definitely not as comfortable being grilled by the psychiatrist.

The visit didn't seem to help me much. Other than being "gifted" with a bag of pills which I took home. I never took them. And my parents didn't know. They applied to my employer then, on my behalf for hospitalization leave. Thinking those magic pills would work at easing the pain in my heart.

During this period, I would hide in my room all day, venturing out only to use the bathroom. Only when night fell and everyone has retired to their bedroom, would I step out of my room. Always stood at the window of the living room, looking up at the night sky, looking at each and every house that was lighted up, wondering why and how the wheel of life could continue moving while I was stuck and rooted to the ground. Tears melted through my pjyamas like litle drops of acid.

I felt like a leftover, scraped to the fringe of the plate; unappetizing, repulsive. Like I was a waste of life giving oxygen.
Logical thought processes were non existent and I blamed myself for what had happened.

[Clarissac2016]

Things finally came to a heed only when I was caught taking something that didn't belong to me. I had ventured out with my mum. Went into a department store and I saw someone who resembled Wayne. I lost it and I began taking stuff into my arms and simply walked out of the store. To cut the long story short, the police was called. My mum was in a state of panic. My dad dropped whatever he was doing in the office and rushed down. Brought back to a police station, handcuffed, thrown into a lock up cell. I remember sitting on the cold bare cement floor, tears streaming down. I felt like vermin. Having taken my statement, I remember what the Investigating officer said to me after that. He said that my parents have been outside all this while, waiting to bail me out. It is time to wake up. And no one, can help me except myself. I was let off with a warning though I was this close to being charged, as told by the officer. Had my medical letter from the government psychiatrist not been submitted by my parents, probably it would have gone the other way.

I burst into tears the minute I saw them. They even brought down a distant relative of my dad, a lawyer, to help get me out as soon as is possible.

From that point on, the road to recovery started. It took me 2 months. Some tells me it's considered fast, for there are those who either stays on medication for years or not getting any better from the first day they were diagnosed. It was during the harrowing 2 months period that I also read extensively and learnt that a lack of serotonin in the brains leads to either temporary feeling of down. A massive prolonged lack leads to depression. Reading about the chemistry of the human body helped me tremendously to rationalize the feelings I had over Wayne's leaving, and eventually a breakthrough for healing.

[Clarissac2016]

I soon returned to work.
I knew I had changed. Somewhere.
The perspective with which I viewed the world has changed. The exterior was still me. I still looked like me. Yes my heart didn't hurt as much anymore. The pain would eventually fade out. But every morning before I went to work, I looked in the mirror and the eyes would always betray a tinge of the mournful sorrow I felt within.

In a way, due to the kind of "work" I am doing now, I see the same reflected within my eyes. If I smiled, I still looked like me. If I laughed, it is still me. But if someone scratched this veneer and prodded deeper, and if I just released the control I was exercising, the crushing pain would flow out and along with it, some tears. In retrospection, being hurt by someone and thereafter, suffering the pain in the heart is different from choosing the current "work" and hurting yourself in the process. The latter is more crushing.

In a bid to forget Wayne and all that has happened, I would pour myself into work. Social activities were often bypassed as I didn't want to meet anyone except those close friends of mine.
On occasions when I went out with colleagues for drinks after work, they would, with the best of intentions, try to introduce guys to me. Being single and more than presentable, they couldn't understand why I wasn't attached. These men would always mistake my quietness for coyness, and think I was playing hard to get. These men came in many forms, sizes and shapes. The professionals, the executives, the bankers the pilots..seen them all. And they would always invariably share what they do for a living, to knock up some small talk, thinking that their success at work was the epitome of what a woman looked at. And with that, perhaps a way into her heart and subsequently to the bed. Perhaps..maybe..just maybe..had the breakup with Wayne been more straightforward and less eventful, I would think yea these gentlemen were ideal partners. Sometimes, being shallow is simpler. Makes life easier. Decide on the route or the man for your life by ensuring he fulfills a pre-defined set of requisites.

But the truth was, I just wasn't interested in them, in letting my heart be stamped upon and crushed again.

*TBC

[Athens22]

Dear sis,

Life is not smooth sailing as always. It's good to hear you had taken an effort to move on. Look positive and look forward.. It has to start somewhere.

Btw you can write really well and I enjoyed reading your writing style.

Cheers and have a good day.

[dealmaker]

Read the sticky and the words stuck. I can't remember the exact wording. But what it was saying was that whores are whores, regardless of whether they are WLs, FLs, ktv hostesses, massage palour chicks etc...whores are meant for f-king...whores are not meant to be wives nor girlfriends..." Those words struck me. Simply because all it meant to me was that a whore was all I am the minute I entered the hotel room later.
I swallowed my tears and headed for the specific hotel.

Your story brought a different perspective of a life of FL. Some might be in this for material gains while others like yourself is in this for a different reason.

I believed the sticky notes came from Sam boss's signature.

[dealmaker]

Leaving this line is still a dream at the moment. But thanks for providing this uplifting moment. Even the mere thought of the day I finally stepped out of this line, makes me smile a little

It is really a contradiction of thoughts here. After reading your story, I sincerely hope that you can leave this trade as soon as possible. But that will also mean that someone has to patronize your service in order for your wish to be fulfilled. The truth hurts. We do not always have full control of everything in our life as much as we wanted it to and this really sucks.

You have come a long way and it is your strength that have brought you this far and I can feel that it has been tough especially when you are all alone on this journey. Hopefully you can also use this strength to bring you to see the light at the end of the tunnel. I truly admire you for your strength.

Not really sure what else to say but really wish you the best of luck.

[CaptainCave]

Dear sis,

Life is not smooth sailing as always. It's good to hear you had taken an effort to move on. Look positive and look forward.. It has to start somewhere.

Btw you can write really well and I enjoyed reading your writing style.

Cheers and have a good day.

Very well said

[Clarissac2016]

Soon in a matter of weeks, I will be leaving the paid sex industry. Had this opportunity presented itself in the week of my debut, I would have been wildly ecstatic, over the moon.
Not that I am any less grateful or happy for the opportunity to finally cease being an FL, but my response to the opportunity was strangely muted.

I have changed.

It struck me that "Nowhere", is the loneliest word in the English language, and at this time, the most appropriate to describe me. You see? There are only 2 main types of women; nice girls and whores. And I am nowhere.

Day I entered this industry, I would no longer be grouped under the generic tag of "nice girls". Instead, I would become a member of the sisterhood of whores.
A sisterhood that is as politically driven as in any corporate cut throat world,
A sisterhood where using condoms in blowjobs are frowned upon and being able to boast of a wider repertoire of services such as AR, AJ, COF, CIM, COB etc are celebrated.
A sisterhood where competition is rife and backstabbing common, despite the fact that members in this sisterhood are all female and probably less privileged or undergoing real life issues hence the foray into the industry. One would think that 女人更会帮女人 but nope.

With the last day fast approaching, I would be leaving this sisterhood. And I am nowhere. Because I would never be able to return to the former tag of nice girls.
Thence why nowhere is the loneliest word.

To those nursing or contemplating a foray into this sisterhood, be forewarned that the ability to stay true to oneself and emerge unscathed, unscarred, is a myth. Even with resolve of steel and laser sharp focus on the eventual goal, you will lose sight of yourself. The vision of the former you weakens everyday and the hope that you will exit this line, with at least some semblance of the old you before entering the industry, remains but a mere hope.

[Clarissac2016]

Your story brought a different perspective of a life of FL. Some might be in this for material gains while others like yourself is in this for a different reason.

I believed the sticky notes came from Sam boss's signature.

The sticky notes in general are good advice. Baring the fact that the advice presented in those notes did hit my FL heart with a swift painful blow, fact remains that whores are for f**king and not loving. Standard sound advice even I would say to a brother or a close friend who is on the verge of falling for any kinds of whores.

[Alpacas]

Very nice insight TS, never knew such things

[Princessica]

Sis,
We are in the same line and I'm glad u made it and leaving this industry. In this line, u are the only person u can trust. U are the only person who help urself. Others will only help u to an extend and that's it. I hv been in this field more than u and seen more than u. Its a dog eats dog world. This field, to be honest, is more political than office industry. Because it all comes directly and slam onto ur face. If u ain't strong, u tend to get defeat very easily.

Pls dun look down on urself. How to define a nice gal? We are here to work, it a service line. Not here to be someone's wife. It a double life. As long end of the day, u are still what u are, who cares. We dun steal or kill, our consciences are cleared. We will hv a stain no matter wat. Who is perfect in this world? The ans is, no one, not even the purest virgin.

Soon in a matter of weeks, I will be leaving the paid sex industry. Had this opportunity presented itself in the week of my debut, I would have been wildly ecstatic, over the moon.
Not that I am any less grateful or happy for the opportunity to finally cease being an FL, but my response to the opportunity was strangely muted.

I have changed.

It struck me that "Nowhere", is the loneliest word in the English language, and at this time, the most appropriate to describe me. You see? There are only 2 main types of women; nice girls and whores. And I am nowhere.

Day I entered this industry, I would no longer be grouped under the generic tag of "nice girls". Instead, I would become a member of the sisterhood of whores.
A sisterhood that is as politically driven as in any corporate cut throat world,
A sisterhood where using condoms in blowjobs are frowned upon and being able to boast of a wider repertoire of services such as AR, AJ, COF, CIM, COB etc are celebrated.
A sisterhood where competition is rife and backstabbing common, despite the fact that members in this sisterhood are all female and probably less privileged or undergoing real life issues hence the foray into the industry. One would think that 女人更会帮女人 but nope.

With the last day fast approaching, I would be leaving this sisterhood. And I am nowhere. Because I would never be able to return to the former tag of nice girls.
Thence why nowhere is the loneliest word.

To those nursing or contemplating a foray into this sisterhood, be forewarned that the ability to stay true to oneself and emerge unscathed, unscarred, is a myth. Even with resolve of steel and laser sharp focus on the eventual goal, you will lose sight of yourself. The vision of the former you weakens everyday and the hope that you will exit this line, with at least some semblance of the old you before entering the industry, remains but a mere hope.

[Summerhillt]

Yea I think I get what you meant when you said nowhere. Good girls are those never do anything bad, fucked only boyfriends and never strayed. The other one would be whores. They come out and sell their body and once they do it, there is no turning back. Forever a stain on their female bodies. They can never tell a man whom they love bout them being a whore before in case of being condemned.

Sis, stay strong there's nothing wrong in the skin and flesh trade. You did not rob or kill. It's simply a demand and supply industry. If you think it's OK, you can get past it morally. Why not? Minimal effort, maximum monetary returns.

[sjb1994]

Really feel speechless after reading this tread. On one side, we cheongster will hope for more fish in the pool, but on the soft side, reading this make me feel sad.
Anyway, life still go on. Everyone has their own story, we can't mind all, so just mind our own business and move on.

Wish you GOOD LUCK, TS!

[Clarissac2016]

Really feel speechless after reading this tread. On one side, we cheongster will hope for more fish in the pool, but on the soft side, reading this make me feel sad.
Anyway, life still go on. Everyone has their own story, we can't mind all, so just mind our own business and move on.

Wish you GOOD LUCK, TS!

There is no need to be speechless. Life is a paradox at times.
If we look at the bigger picture on the whole, I reckon it is all about simple basic economics. Supply versus demand.

[divedeeper]

Very moving story, sis. Thanks for sharing. For what it's worth, you shouldn't feel stigmatized for working as an FL. I really dislike the word "whore". It's meant to degrade. Is a woman who works as an FL any worse a person than a man who pays an FL? I don't think so. They are two sides of the same coin, literally. One can't exist without the other. People are either good or bad, irrespective of whether they are an FL or pay an FL or do other things. You're good person who has had some terrible experiences. The experiences didn't make you less of a person than you were to start.

[Nhaja]

Every saint has a past, and every sinner has a future. Don't live in the past, sis, and be deceived into believing that u can no longer be a "nice girl".

The past cannot be changed, forgotten, edited or erased. It can only be accepted. Make peace with it, and escape the prison of "nowhere".

How do we make peace? This "sisterhood" is an unfortunate chapter of your life. If u focus exclusively on it, yes, your book of life looks terrible.

But your book is more than just the 2 or 3 bad chapters. It also has 998 other good chapters, with many more good ones to be written in the future. It is a beautiful book!

And that's what I see when I read your story... a nice girl, and a beautiful human being. If anything, your suffering only exemplifies your beauty. Please don't tell yourself otherwise.

[Clarissac2016]

Sis,
We are in the same line and I'm glad u made it and leaving this industry. In this line, u are the only person u can trust. U are the only person who help urself. Others will only help u to an extend and that's it. I hv been in this field more than u and seen more than u. Its a dog eats dog world. This field, to be honest, is more political than office industry. Because it all comes directly and slam onto ur face. If u ain't strong, u tend to get defeat very easily.

Pls dun look down on urself. How to define a nice gal? We are here to work, it a service line. Not here to be someone's wife. It a double life. As long end of the day, u are still what u are, who cares. We dun steal or kill, our consciences are cleared. We will hv a stain no matter wat. Who is perfect in this world? The ans is, no one, not even the purest virgin.

Princessica, you cum up perfectly what life is like as an FL. Both you and I, prior to stepping into this line, would have thoroughly weighed every options available or tried looking for alternatives. And yes, indeed we did not steal or kill, nor cheat or hurt, to earn the money that is needed. I applaud you for the strength you have, for I am definitely weaker than you in this aspect.

You said, at the end of the day, We are still who we are. But the truth is we would have changed.
Regardless of how short or how Long our stint as a FL is, something in us would have changed.

A good metaphor or analogy or example is a soldier going to his first war. Versus a war veteran who has gone to battle 10times. The new soldier sees the first dead casualty of war, a dead body with his brains half blown out and body riddled with bullets. He probably will be shocked, stunned, the image stays with him. For a while.

The war veteran sees the same but is no longer fazed by these dead bodies. He simply walks past these dead bodies. It is like seeing a dead cockroach in the drain. No emotions, nothing.

At the end of the day, this line hat we are in would have changed us, regardless of how minor or how major the change is.
And that change renders it impossible for us to return to whichever tags we were formerly associated with (nice and sweet girls, homely girls, fun loving girl who likes clubbing, etc etc)
At least for me. And I know it because I wonder if the gentleman carrying his young toddler or the one holding his wife's hands, whom I pass by on the streets, if they visit massage parlours, FLs, WLs or whatever.. It's a passing thought. But it tells me that my perspective has changed and that I no longer view the world, men, and love with a rose tinted glass.

[rockyt]

Sis, After reading your story, do not feel too distressed of the journey you had been through. A well educated and competent person like you cannot be laid off just like that because of the unfortunate circumstances which lead to your breakdown. Words will be very difficult to describe the traumatic journey. But don't be discourage by this, we know life is full of frustrations, and only a cheerful spirit in yourself can ward them off. Do dismiss the misfortune as the past and what matters is you that can sought them out for your better self.

[kgbkgb]

Princessica, you cum up perfectly what life is like as an FL. Both you and I, prior to stepping into this line, would have thoroughly weighed every options available or tried looking for alternatives. And yes, indeed we did not steal or kill, nor cheat or hurt, to earn the money that is needed. I applaud you for the strength you have, for I am definitely weaker than you in this aspect.

You said, at the end of the day, We are still who we are. But the truth is we would have changed.
Regardless of how short or how Long our stint as a FL is, something in us would have changed.

A good metaphor or analogy or example is a soldier going to his first war. Versus a war veteran who has gone to battle 10times. The new soldier sees the first dead casualty of war, a dead body with his brains half blown out and body riddled with bullets. He probably will be shocked, stunned, the image stays with him. For a while.

The war veteran sees the same but is no longer fazed by these dead bodies. He simply walks past these dead bodies. It is like seeing a dead cockroach in the drain. No emotions, nothing.

At the end of the day, this line hat we are in would have changed us, regardless of how minor or how major the change is.
And that change renders it impossible for us to return to whichever tags we were formerly associated with (nice and sweet girls, homely girls, fun loving girl who likes clubbing, etc etc)
At least for me. And I know it because I wonder if the gentleman carrying his young toddler or the one holding his wife's hands, whom I pass by on the streets, if they visit massage parlours, FLs, WLs or whatever.. It's a passing thought. But it tells me that my perspective has changed and that I no longer view the world, men, and love with a rose tinted glass.

Dear Clarrisa, this is indeed a very sad story of someone who grew up wholesome and then suddenly everything changes because of a series of unfortunate events. Please don't lose heart. Be strong and forge ahead with positive mindedness. Leave your past behind. The past is what makes us unhappy. Look forward to a better life in future for the future is our only hope. I do understand your perspectives have changed but do look at the bigger picture. For every 1 person who visits Fl, MP, etc, there are many more who don't. Hope u will still be able to find love and happiness despite everything that has happened. Say good bye to FL and never look back. Erase that from your memory. Give someone the opportunity to give you the love you deserve. Do not short change yourself because of self condemnation. All of us have our own flaws and make mistakes sometimes. Be kind to yourself... good luck

[daizepam]

Hi Clarissa,
Just read your tale and you do have my sympathies. Just want to give you (and a few others) a few words of advice from someone from the outside looking in.

The scars on your hand isn't an STD. Don't shun it any longer. Your physical scars are a testament to the love and relationship you once had. The scars are deep, and so was the love. And so be it. The scars are proof that you can love and love deeply and be cut, or even gouged. The scar tissue that remains will be ever stronger than the original flesh was. Scars are testament to life. It is only ugly to people that cannot see.

As for grief, you find it in waves. when the ship is first wrecked, you're drowning, with wreckage all around you. Everything floating around you reminds you of the beauty and the magnificence of the ship that was, and is no more. And all you can do is float. You find some piece of the wreckage and you hang on for a while. Maybe it's some physical thing. Maybe it's a happy memory or a photograph. Maybe it's a person who is also floating. For a while, all you can do is float. Stay alive.

In the beginning, the waves are Tsunami-szied and crash over you without mercy. They come 10secs apart and don't even give you time to catch your breath. All you can do is hang on and float. After a while, maybe weeks, maybe months, you'll find the waves are still huge, but they come further apart. When they come, they still crash all over you and wipe you out. But in between, you can breathe, you can function. You never know what's going to trigger the grief. It might be a song, a picture, a certain poem in your case, a strand of long hair stuck in between the pillow (that's mine), or the smell of a cup of coffee. It can be just about anything...and the wave comes crashing. But in between waves, there is life.

Somewhere down the line, and it's different for everybody, you find that the waves are getting smaller and smaller. And while they still come, they come further apart. You can see them coming. An anniversary, a birthday, or Christmas. You can see it coming, for the most part, and prepare yourself. And when it washes over you, you know that somehow you will, again, come out the other side. Soaking wet, sputtering, still hanging on to some tiny piece of the wreckage, but you'll come out. Take it from me. As someone who has went through several experiences like that. The waves never stop coming, and somehow you don't really want them to. But you learn that you'll survive them.

Other waves will come. And you'll survive them too. And if you're lucky, you'll have lots of scars from lots of loves. And lots of shipwrecks. Go out and have fun. You're still young. The world is your oyster. To paraphrase the words of a certain hobbit, "We're going on an adventure!"

You were an FL, and you got out of this life relatively unscathed. Not many FL girls can say they managed to do that. Wishing you all the luck and fun you can have from now on.

[xrage]

Hi Clarissa,
Just read your tale and you do have my sympathies. Just want to give you (and a few others) a few words of advice from someone from the outside looking in.

As for grief, you find it in waves.

You were an FL, and you got out of this life relatively unscathed. Not many FL girls can say they managed to do that. Wishing you all the luck and fun you can have from now on.


I feel your advice and analogy using waves. I am sure our sis understands it too.

As someone on the outside with a fair share of repeated problems, it resonated with me.

To our sis, I am glad you are out or on your way out. I am v pleased to hear that. I am sure this also will provide inspiration to other FL to fight, crawl and wiggle their way out. Your life story will provide more fuel emotionally to take action.

I have a feeling we will hear more sis coming out of it.

I don't wish to hear more entry stories, but being the world's oldest trade, there is bound to be others entering. But you are a beacon of hope for others. At the very least, a tiny thought "if she can do it, maybe I can someday." hopefully that sets their path in exiting the trade.

for you, sis Clarissa, with your talent and flair of the English language, i am sure you will be able to land good opportunities out there. first few thoughts in my mind are copyrighter, asst editor, communications officer, marcom, magazine or news or online related professions.

upward and onward, to us all.

[Rickey]

Dear Clarrisa, this is indeed a very sad story of someone who grew up wholesome and then suddenly everything changes because of a series of unfortunate events. Please don't lose heart. Be strong and forge ahead with positive mindedness. Leave your past behind. The past is what makes us unhappy. Look forward to a better life in future for the future is our only hope. I do understand your perspectives have changed but do look at the bigger picture. For every 1 person who visits Fl, MP, etc, there are many more who don't. Hope u will still be able to find love and happiness despite everything that has happened. Say good bye to FL and never look back. Erase that from your memory. Give someone the opportunity to give you the love you deserve. Do not short change yourself because of self condemnation. All of us have our own flaws and make mistakes sometimes. Be kind to yourself... good luck
Just my small little & humble contribution for sis Clarissa...Yes, bro kgbkgb is rite !...all of us human beings do make mistakes now & then :(...none of us are perfect & infallible...but tat does not mean the end of the world for us when we fall...just need to pick ourselves up wif or w/o help & move on wif life....

we gotta keep on loving ourselves nor matter wat happened even if others dun...just dun be bothered by them...cos we know we are all beautiful creatures made by a loving God in His image...so we can still feel lovely about ourselves nor matter how dirty others tink of us !...so watever u tink in yr mind sis, is just yr own perception...forget about the unpleasant past & wat had happened & just move on to a brighter new future henceforth !! :)...moving forward sis..you hv the power to choose to ignore those negative perceptions & feelings of yrself & focus on positive ones, wif the help of family & close friends if necessary ! ;)..Best wishes to you again, sis :)

[xiaoqiang1]

This is the one of the few stories I followed through in one seating, really stories written about real personal experiences are the easiest to follow and connect with, given that you are about to better relate your thoughts out.

I was wondering how was it that you were able to relate your rape encounter and the break up with your ex in such details given that they must have been painfully dark to go back and relive those moments while writing... Being FL must have really been that most moment in your life. This had made me think twice about engaging a FL's services. Seems to have a lot of broken souls among them. Any other FLs on the forum agree with Claris's recount of how you feel that you are no longer complete?

But what I am most curious about is how did you end up in such situation that requires you to work as FL?

Anyway, here's something that I hope will help you detach yourself from the disdain you feel in your line of work.

https://medium.com/matter/sex-is-sex-but-money-is-money-e7c10091713f

Hope you are able to come into terms with what you are facing now...

[viviankoh]

Bump for a great story .... with due respect too...

[~iOOi~]

A good metaphor or analogy or example is a soldier going to his first war. Versus a war veteran who has gone to battle 10times. The new soldier sees the first dead casualty of war, a dead body with his brains half blown out and body riddled with bullets. He probably will be shocked, stunned, the image stays with him. For a while.

The war veteran sees the same but is no longer fazed by these dead bodies. He simply walks past these dead bodies. It is like seeing a dead cockroach in the drain. No emotions, nothing.

Is it really so? C'mon there are WLs from HC that were in this trade for 10 over years and they are still doing same deed...It's how you evolve and come out from the ordeal lah:cool:

Creatures all evolve thru revolution and you see them still living now, those that failed just extinct...Why trap yourself in those past negativity, look at the positive things that had happened also. There are 2 sides of every coin, rite?

20 years later when you look back, you may think it was a "blessing in disguise", who know :p

[Princessica]

Well, changes is dependin on urself. Sometimes we changed it due to the circumstances around us. Eg, we are living in a double identity, we hv to lie abt our real career status to family, frenz, love ones etc. Cos of wat we work, sometimes dats no fix timing of when the next appt, we hv to wait. If u dun sacrifice the timing to wait, u might loss the opportunity to earn. When ur frenz try to date u out, u hv no choice but declined. When times go by, both ur frenz and u started to drift apart. They think u hv changed. But u know deep inside, u really hv no choice. For me, even my family misunderstood me too. They hv the thinking, why i always back home late. Wat exactly i work as they would questioned me. We hv all sorts of argument even fought, but wat can i do? I still need to earn a living despite being misunderstood. This is a 'no choice changes'.

There are other gals who hv different thoughts from us. To be frank, yes, it an easy money job. So they used to this field and couldn't adept to a normal job. There are some, who make a comeback even though they said retired for gd cos, they cant adept to a normal life, normal job. So somehow this field, can change a normal life gal to a money minded gal cos as mentioned, easy money.

Of cuz our minds and thoughts towards guys definitely changed dats for sure. To be honest, i hv phobia of having a relationship even if i hv retired the next time. Since i once in this field if i quit the scene, my alertness is higher den any gals dere. Each action he does, i will roughly know. Juz like my current partner, well, he's my fb to be precise. He did betrayed me thrice despite he made promise to me. He booked gals behind my back and all i found out. If I'm not in this field, he can fool me of cuz but too bad, he fooled wif wrong person. So now, I'm not stupid anymore. I came out wif terms wif him dat he has to provide me monthly allowance. He agreed and started to give me some now. Well, it might sound i kinda bad but is it fair for me of wat he did? I guess now, by getting allowance, even he started his nonsense again, i won't feel dat so much hurt. So really, dun mess wif gals who in this field or used to be cos their antenna, are pretty accurate and highly alerted.


Princessica, you cum up perfectly what life is like as an FL. Both you and I, prior to stepping into this line, would have thoroughly weighed every options available or tried looking for alternatives. And yes, indeed we did not steal or kill, nor cheat or hurt, to earn the money that is needed. I applaud you for the strength you have, for I am definitely weaker than you in this aspect.

You said, at the end of the day, We are still who we are. But the truth is we would have changed.
Regardless of how short or how Long our stint as a FL is, something in us would have changed.

A good metaphor or analogy or example is a soldier going to his first war. Versus a war veteran who has gone to battle 10times. The new soldier sees the first dead casualty of war, a dead body with his brains half blown out and body riddled with bullets. He probably will be shocked, stunned, the image stays with him. For a while.

The war veteran sees the same but is no longer fazed by these dead bodies. He simply walks past these dead bodies. It is like seeing a dead cockroach in the drain. No emotions, nothing.

At the end of the day, this line hat we are in would have changed us, regardless of how minor or how major the change is.
And that change renders it impossible for us to return to whichever tags we were formerly associated with (nice and sweet girls, homely girls, fun loving girl who likes clubbing, etc etc)
At least for me. And I know it because I wonder if the gentleman carrying his young toddler or the one holding his wife's hands, whom I pass by on the streets, if they visit massage parlours, FLs, WLs or whatever.. It's a passing thought. But it tells me that my perspective has changed and that I no longer view the world, men, and love with a rose tinted glass.

[hakone]

There are other gals who hv different thoughts from us. To be frank, yes, it an easy money job. So they used to this field and couldn't adept to a normal job. There are some, who make a comeback even though they said retired for gd cos, they cant adept to a normal life, normal job. So somehow this field, can change a normal life gal to a money minded gal cos as mentioned, easy money.
It is good money, but not easy money. Life of a FL is not easy. Risky in various areas, and affecting the girls both physically and psychologically.

[comm]

Juz like my current partner, well, he's my fb to be precise. He did betrayed me thrice despite he made promise to me. He booked gals behind my back and all i found out. If I'm not in this field, he can fool me of cuz but too bad, he fooled wif wrong person. So now, I'm not stupid anymore. I came out wif terms wif him dat he has to provide me monthly allowance. He agreed and started to give me some now. Well, it might sound i kinda bad but is it fair for me of wat he did?

does he know your a fl ?? seems like u are sleeping around more then him :confused:

[Princessica]

bro, before u wanna make dat statement, fyi, being a fl is my job, I'm not here to sleep around for fuckin fun. And yes, he knows wat I'm doing.

does he know your a fl ?? seems like u are sleeping around more then him :confused:

[Princessica]

To some of the gals are when it good times money are easy. When bad times, u can simply just sit there and hit mosquitoes like wat it is currently. I hv met a few gals who actually had no reason to be in this line as in no debts, not single parent, not abt sch fees etc, today they can earn 1k and they will disappear for another few days. For them, 1k, they can hv a gd time outside and when it not enough, they work again. Easy come, easy go. 1 thing they didn't know the true fact is, dats a lifespan in this line. When u are new and still popular, make this opportunity to earn. Time won't wait for u. This line is the same as others, hv to work hard.

Of cuz to sum it up, it not an easy job. When having a bad times, dats no one to confide in. U can only hide in a corner to cry. Hv to be really strong, from inside to outside if not will be defeated.

It is good money, but not easy money. Life of a FL is not easy. Risky in various areas, and affecting the girls both physically and psychologically.

[comm]

bro, before u wanna make dat statement, fyi, being a fl is my job, I'm not here to sleep around for fuckin fun. And yes, he knows wat I'm doing.

guys that can accept fl as a gf usually have very open views on sex

To some of the gals are when it good times money are easy. When bad times, u can simply just sit there and hit mosquitoes like wat it is currently. I hv met a few gals who actually had no reason to be in this line as in no debts, not single parent, not abt sch fees etc, today they can earn 1k and they will disappear for another few days. For them, 1k, they can hv a gd time outside and when it not enough, they work again. Easy come, easy go. 1 thing they didn't know the true fact is, dats a lifespan in this line. When u are new and still popular, make this opportunity to earn. Time won't wait for u. This line is the same as others, hv to work hard.

Of cuz to sum it up, it not an easy job. When having a bad times, dats no one to confide in. U can only hide in a corner to cry. Hv to be really strong, from inside to outside if not will be defeated.

yes there are girls like that too, they just earn to spend, and just want to enjoy life, its a simple way of thinking and living

[Princessica]

Well, we are not couple, juz has crossed the line of fb. I didn't asked him to promise me anything but he did, saying won't engaged fls but he broke it again and again. It kinda double standard. He rather engaged den to help me financially. Dats where i think i had enough but to come out wif terms be it he happy or not.

guys that can accept fl as a gf usually have very open views on sex



yes there are girls like that too, they just earn to spend, and just want to enjoy life, its a simple way of thinking and living

Ya, easy come, easy go.

[Shadesofgrey]

Babe, as told you, can't be too soft hearted again. U are doing the right thing to come with terms with him. Glad that he agreed too which means, he cares about you too :) I hope he really treasure you this time as, u have been sacrificed too much for him.


Well, we are not couple, juz has crossed the line of fb. I didn't asked him to promise me anything but he did, saying won't engaged fls but he broke it again and again. It kinda double standard. He rather engaged den to help me financially. Dats where i think i had enough but to come out wif terms be it he happy or not.



Ya, easy come, easy go.

[randyrockhard]

Dear Clarissa,

I can't even begin to imagine the pain that you have been through. Thank you for sharing your stories with us.

May you find what it is that you are looking for.

[fusion1984]

Hey sis,
I once had a girl friend who left me I have to admit I never got over her but I choose to move on its hard after so many years 10 years plus I still miss her she is happily married not to me of course but that's life. Be strong sis one day wish you can find someone whom you love him as much as he loves you and he can give you happiness compared to your ex

[Alexxander]

@Clarissac2016

http://i63.tinypic.com/20zrae8.jpg

[Shadow_warrior]

loving this thread....camping here...

[porscheclub]

Author read about Alexander, very unusual for a lady to show interest in him.

Please carry on, we'd like to hear more about your work and thoughts.

Princessica commands good English too, now that's another good book to read :p

[Princessica]

Thanks for ur support. Unfortunately, had stopped writing as no times to write it due to work. To write a chapter, takes some times to recall and write it in a way dat readers can imagine the scenario.

Author read about Alexander, very unusual for a lady to show interest in him.

Please carry on, we'd like to hear more about your work and thoughts.

Princessica commands good English too, now that's another good book to read :p

[googlemanic]

Cant imagine what its been like for you, TS, but i'm glad you're facing your demons by talking about them. Least you're on the road to recovery. :) You seem to be a very strong person from what you've written. I fire up my lurker acc now and again to read good stories but almost cried reading this. My ex girlfriend left me after a year studying overseas and hearing about someone who's felt like shit too brings back all the feels. :(
There are assholes everywhere just don't give them the time of day. Hope you get better everyday and I wish you the best in life.

p.s. working girls are human beings too im sure we can treat each other with some basic human decency

[maxman]

It is good money, but not easy money. Life of a FL is not easy. Risky in various areas, and affecting the girls both physically and psychologically.

I agree. Most people would, without much thought, tend to say that sex work is easy money, but I also think it should be more along the lines of good money. Sex work is not easy for all the inconvenience and disruption to family/social life, risk to health and violence, and psychological damage that it causes.

[nitefalcon]

Bump for a great life story. I second to all those useful & kind advices from fellow bros & sisters to TS. Really interested to know more how the story goes on from the last update. Or.. is it already at the end and no longer continues? Whatever it may be, just wanna wish TS a happy life ahead in future.

[tito]

What TS wrote about, that something that happens in a Taiwanese drama happened to someone in real life... really ish....Its one thing to know that bad stuff happens to people all the time. But somehow reading an account of someone who experienced it, lived through it.....:eek:, and then her responses to comments, the pain really comes out. Not like when you read about it in the papers, or seen a video somewhere..., and you have an ah man that sucks kind of reaction. But this is just......I don't know, left me flabbergasted after reading it all.

Looks like writing on SBF has been cathartic. Too bad TS probably not going to write more on this. A lot of ppl (me included) are probably curious to know more.

Thanks for sharing and hope TS continue to have strength no matter what else comes along.

[scott999]

TS (clarise.....), any update?

[xxAlxx]

There is no need to be speechless. Life is a paradox at times.
If we look at the bigger picture on the whole, I reckon it is all about simple basic economics. Supply versus demand.

Just thinking aloud: did life's circumstances place you along this path? ie: you were forced to this corner and have to make tough decisions for survival or sanity sake.