Seeking redemption...or failing that, peace

[erikvondarkmoor]

Hi guys. I need some advice here. Recently I've been feeling troubled and guilty about the "adventures" I've been having and I don't know who I can turn to for help.

A little background first - I'm married with 2 kids. My wife and I live with her parents in a small HDB flat. When I was younger and before I got married, I was one of those guys who would never have considered having "adventures". To me, it didn't matter whether I was single or in a serious relationship. It just felt morally wrong to be having "adventures". Yet, from being someone who initially would NEVER have considered "eating out", I have slowly become someone who, quite frankly, "eats out" regularly - my average is perhaps once a week. And ironically, the frequency of my "eating out" sessions has increased AFTER my marriage. The main reason for that is - my wife and I hardly ever have sex anymore. In fact, I can confidently say that over the past couple of years, perhaps we've done it a maximum of 5 times? And I'm probably being over-optimistic when I say "5 times".

The thing is, it's not for lack of trying that I got into this situation. I always did try to initiate things but she always had a reason to not want to do it. "I'm too tired" or "My parents are just outside it is kinda weird if they hear us" or something along those lines. Over a long period of time and countless attempts at initiating sex but with an extremely poor success rate, I finally grew frustrated and snapped, and started "eating out".

In the beginning, I was extremely guilty and I struggled with what I did. I couldn't sleep and all the time I felt like I was a sinner. But each time my wife rebuffed my advances, my guilt receded because I justified it to myself by saying that I need sex and I am not getting sex at home, so I have to get it elsewhere otherwise I will go insane and who knows I might end up doing more harm (if you know what I mean). And for a few months I was fine, not feeling guilty, not feeling troubled, not feeling anything really other than just enjoying it.

[sammyboyfor]

There's nothing wrong with having a bit of dessert on the side. Everybody does it. ;)

Just enjoy yourself and savour the moments. God put whores on this earth for a purpose so you might as well take advantage of his kindness. :D

The way to deal with your guilt is to keep at it and if you can afford it, increase the frequency a couple of notches. After a while, it will become a normal part of your life.

[erikvondarkmoor]

[continued from my first post above]

But recently I have started to think about it again, and I am starting to feel bad about the situation again. I am starting to question whether I had tried hard enough to get my wife to do it with me? In my mind, I think so. But in my heart, I can't help but feel that she's my wife and yet I am sleeping with other women outside. And then when I get rejected by my wife again, I start to feel a bit more ok about cheating on her.

Sigh. I am really at a loss. It is like one of those no-win situations. No matter what move I make, I will lose in some way.

So, I am sure many of you will have a ton of advice but can I just request: in addition to the well-meaning advice, perhaps you can share whether you are facing the situation as I am or know someone who is? Or perhaps you just "eat out" regardless of whether you are having regular sex with your wife because you just like the variety. I'd really like to hear your personal experiences and how you justify what you do to yourself. I'm not trying to call anyone out nor am I trying to do research here. I just think that, hearing about other men's personal stories would help me with my own story. Help me to live with myself. Because right now I am starting to not be able to accept who I am. I am starting to feel like Tony Leung in that Infernal Affairs movie...having an identity crisis...not knowing who he really is - cop or criminal...having sleepless nights...

[sammyboyfor]

Women have sex in order to satisfy their maternal instinct of bearing and raising children.

As far as your wife is concerned, you have already fulfilled your role by producing 2 kids and sex with you is no longer a priority.

This applies to 99% of all marriages not just yours.

You are therefore perfectly entitled to seek sexual gratification elsewhere. In fact, there are many cultures where this is perfectly acceptable.

The problem with the Christocentric world is that that sex outside of marriage is considered sinful but unless you're a Christian, this moral code should not apply to you and you should be free to decide for yourself what is right and wrong when it comes to extra marital sex.

[erikvondarkmoor]

Women have sex in order to satisfy their maternal instinct of bearing and raising children.

As far as your wife is concerned, you have already fulfilled your role by producing 2 kids and sex with you is no longer a priority.

This applies to 99% of all marriages not just yours.

You are therefore perfectly entitled to seek sexual gratification elsewhere. In fact, there are many cultures where this is perfectly acceptable.

The problem with the Christocentric world is that that sex outside of marriage is considered sinful but unless you're a Christian, this moral code should not apply to you and you should be free to decide for yourself what is right and wrong when it comes to extra marital sex.

Hey Mr Sammyboy. Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it. Yeah I kinda figured that too; it's just frustrating for me because I want to be a good husband and I feel like I'm failing at that because of what I do outside. There are days where I seriously question what kind of monster I have become...probably a little extreme but I tend to be the kind of person who maybe thinks too much about things.

I guess it didn't help that the wife and I recently had another 'conversation' about the sex (or rather, the lack thereof!) and I got frustrated enough about it to mention exactly what you said above...that in some cultures it happens and it is accepted...and she was like, if you ever do that, I will divorce you...and she also said it was disgusting because of all the potential diseases that I'd bring home

I guess I need to toughen up my mentality and also accept that reality is sometimes ugly...nothing is ever perfect and while the ideal situation is to have the perfect marriage and the perfect wife (and lots of sex!), most of the time it doesn't happen and us men either have to learn to get by without it or else find an outlet.

Life is rough...

[sammyboyfor]

Hey Mr Sammyboy. Thanks for the advice, I appreciate it. Yeah I kinda figured that too; it's just frustrating for me because I want to be a good husband and I feel like I'm failing at that because of what I do outside. .

In an ideal world, you should be a good husband by remaining faithful and providing for wife and family. However, the flip side of the coin is that your wife is supposed to love you and take care of your needs.

However she isn't delivering on her obligations in the agreement so why should you? :p

[szczesny]

TS, r u financially sound to makan outside:confused:

I got few friends similar to your situation, but struggling with balance the books at home & yet looking for adventure outside. Hope u r not the same case :confused:

[erikvondarkmoor]

TS, r u financially sound to makan outside:confused:

I got few friends similar to your situation, but struggling with balance the books at home & yet looking for adventure outside. Hope u r not the same case :confused:

To be honest I am struggling to balance the books too but I did take on some sideline jobs that help so I am still OK at the moment.

[mcyeoh]

says the one that is hypocrite as fuck

[ludwig19]

Im married. Have a loving wife. Still hold hands after 7 years of marriage. Still have kisses and hugs, and sometimes send sweet msgs when we are at work. Still have date nights 2-3 times a week. Sounds like a good marriage? Yeah, just with the absence of sex. No matter wat I do or try, my wife is just not into sex. Nothing to do with religion or past traumatic reasons, she is just not into it. After awhile, I kinda gave up on initiating and just went without it for awhile. Told myself "shit happens and sometimes you get the short end of the stick. Tough luck, deal with it." Resisted from eating out for a few years but finally my resolve snapped and I started smthing with a friends friend last year. Initially it was fantastic, like finding out about sex all over again haha. We dont meet often but when we do, its good hot sweaty sex. Guilt only started forming sometime this year after the novelty wore off abit but some how cant bring myself to get out of it cos I know what i will be missing haha. So in a way I know whats going thru TS' s mind. Im still trying to find the answers (I really am!) but till I do, I have been cutting down our meet ups though I did cave in once or twice when the urge was too strong and needed a release. An SBF support group maybe? Lol!

[wildromper]

Whats wrong with our local women after marriage?! Now im afraid to get married. Just be bachelor n sow my royal oats till i die. YOLO!

[ah rat]

Whats wrong with our local women after marriage?! Now im afraid to get married. Just be bachelor n sow my royal oats till i die. YOLO!

Like that said,I think u cut yours lanjaio better :D

[ludwig19]

Whats wrong with our local women after marriage?! Now im afraid to get married. Just be bachelor n sow my royal oats till i die. YOLO!


Haha I did have the same thoughts as well but I also did come to a conclusion that the blame also rest on us guys as well. When we are single and free, we try our utmost to bonk as many girls as we can. (And if I may be honest, the majority of us guys at most only have a handful of experience.) And then we get married and hv kids, daughters espically. And we become the total opposite of how we were like in our younger years. We start telling our daughters cannot do this cannot do that...or guys like this are bad...guys only want one thing...blah blah blah. Go figure haha

[cncs]

To me eating outside is just like a hobby. Some like to play sports like golf, tennis, jogging. I like to have sex as an hobby, I treat it like a sports hobby. Sweat it out during hobby, hahaha!!!

GF/Wife don't like to play the same sports/hobby with you, then you play it with someone else loh.

Hope we are able to play our favourite sports till we reach old age ya!!!

[wolf2305]

Think in the matter of health, either you use hand or you have sex, it is due to the fact that you will have prostate cancer if you do not work on that muscle (which you can only. in normal case, is sex / masturbate ).

Use this formula, if you are in your 30s use the first digit and multiply by 9.

therefore 3 * 9 = 27, it mean that you should have 7 times of sex / masturbate within 2 weeks, to keep a healthy prostate.

don't flame me, i read this in a health magazine. of course the magazine did mentioned is go to have sex. :D

[erikvondarkmoor]

says the one that is hypocrite as fuck

I assume you are referring to me. Yes I acknowledge that I am a hypocrite. Then again so are most of us, including you probably. So why bring this point up? Don't you understand what I've been trying to say - that I feel as though I've been forced into it? It's not like I'm having a fantastic sex life with my wife and yet I still sleep with other women. The opposite is true...I am doing what I'm doing because my needs are not fulfilled.

If we were to argue that sex is a fundamental male need, equivalent to food for our survival, then, if we didn't have food to eat at home would we not eat outside or else starve to death? Same for sex.

I know, I know...sounds like I'm trying to justify...but if you're such a higher level being that you seem to be purporting yourself to be, then why don't you tell me what I should do? Instead of calling me a hypocrite... I mean, how is that helpful?

[wildromper]

Like that said,I think u cut yours lanjaio better :D

I think u misread... Dun marry dun mean rifle dun fire bro. Still must go range lei

[erikvondarkmoor]

Im married. Have a loving wife. Still hold hands after 7 years of marriage. Still have kisses and hugs, and sometimes send sweet msgs when we are at work. Still have date nights 2-3 times a week. Sounds like a good marriage? Yeah, just with the absence of sex. No matter wat I do or try, my wife is just not into sex. Nothing to do with religion or past traumatic reasons, she is just not into it. After awhile, I kinda gave up on initiating and just went without it for awhile. Told myself "shit happens and sometimes you get the short end of the stick. Tough luck, deal with it." Resisted from eating out for a few years but finally my resolve snapped and I started smthing with a friends friend last year. Initially it was fantastic, like finding out about sex all over again haha. We dont meet often but when we do, its good hot sweaty sex. Guilt only started forming sometime this year after the novelty wore off abit but some how cant bring myself to get out of it cos I know what i will be missing haha. So in a way I know whats going thru TS' s mind. Im still trying to find the answers (I really am!) but till I do, I have been cutting down our meet ups though I did cave in once or twice when the urge was too strong and needed a release. An SBF support group maybe? Lol!

Wow this sounds exactly like my situation. Well. Except that I pay for 'dining out' whereas you eat for free. Haha.

Sorta a relief to know I'm not the only one out there. Thanks for sharing man

[wildromper]

Haha I did have the same thoughts as well but I also did come to a conclusion that the blame also rest on us guys as well. When we are single and free, we try our utmost to bonk as many girls as we can. (And if I may be honest, the majority of us guys at most only have a handful of experience.) And then we get married and hv kids, daughters espically. And we become the total opposite of how we were like in our younger years. We start telling our daughters cannot do this cannot do that...or guys like this are bad...guys only want one thing...blah blah blah. Go figure haha

Lololo. We try to protect the innocent , our daughters and instill as much goodness in them, but it only goes so far... Those that dun hav papa to take care of them look for sweet papa outside so kana bonk la. Both party wins in a way :)

[erikvondarkmoor]

To me eating outside is just like a hobby. Some like to play sports like golf, tennis, jogging. I like to have sex as an hobby, I treat it like a sports hobby. Sweat it out during hobby, hahaha!!!

GF/Wife don't like to play the same sports/hobby with you, then you play it with someone else loh.

Hope we are able to play our favourite sports till we reach old age ya!!!

That's an interesting way of looking at it and in a perverse sort of way it does make sense. Perhaps society is placing too much emphasis on sex as something that should only happen between a man and his wife/girlfriend. Why shouldn't sex be treated as any other normal activity, eh?

[wildromper]

I assume you are referring to me. Yes I acknowledge that I am a hypocrite. Then again so are most of us, including you probably. So why bring this point up? Don't you understand what I've been trying to say - that I feel as though I've been forced into it? It's not like I'm having a fantastic sex life with my wife and yet I still sleep with other women. The opposite is true...I am doing what I'm doing because my needs are not fulfilled.

If we were to argue that sex is a fundamental male need, equivalent to food for our survival, then, if we didn't have food to eat at home would we not eat outside or else starve to death? Same for sex.

I know, I know...sounds like I'm trying to justify...but if you're such a higher level being that you seem to be purporting yourself to be, then why don't you tell me what I should do? Instead of calling me a hypocrite... I mean, how is that helpful?

I hear u bro... We need tender loving care as well, like cars need servicing. So do we. Its a primal thing. :))))

[hp2k]

I think if we eat out and not have any consequences like std or fall in to KC trap. I don't think we would feel that bad. It is the disease that we bring back that may hurt our love ones that makes us feel guilty. The KC trap will cause unnecessary strain on our finances.

[Soprano]

Dun marry dun mean rifle dun fire bro. Still must
go range lei

I like the way you put it ;)

[wildromper]

I like the way you put it ;)

Hahaha. Funny how guys associate all these with army. :B

[Prophetic]

Hahaha. Funny how guys associate all these with army. :B

Obviously, the sex drive is linked to the aggressive, violent, hierarchical, reptilian brain stem in humans, which produced militaries, war, and bad disco music.

[erikvondarkmoor]

I think if we eat out and not have any consequences like std or fall in to KC trap. I don't think we would feel that bad. It is the disease that we bring back that may hurt our love ones that makes us feel guilty. The KC trap will cause unnecessary strain on our finances.

Yah...I must admit, that is a huge worry...condoms are not 100% safe also. And sometimes they tear! Or they slip off during vigorous pumping. Scary.